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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Apparently I can't take banter

212 replies

NotExactlyJimCarey · 05/06/2023 09:30

Husband proclaimed a few weeks ago how uptight I am and that he can't banter with me anymore, seemed out of nowhere as I feel like we laugh plenty, and I said as such to him and even apologised if I'd come off that way and said I'd be aware of it.

Since then I feel like he's just being a prick to me. I know he'll say I can't take a joke so I've bitten my tongue but the things that he apparently sees as banter I find just disrespectful. Like he got up off the sofa and threw the rubbish from the food he was eating in my face. When we had a gin one evening he went to refill them and came back and had made himself another gin and tonic but only bought me out a shot of gin as a joke and I had to go back in and make my own gin. He's shut doors in my face. Started driving the car without me getting in so I'm following him up the road with him repeatedly driving off. Throwing a load of his dirty laundry down the stairs deliberately as I'm walking past so it all lands on me. Yesterday at the beach I got upset because I'd been breastfeeding the baby and hadn't popped a boob back in after without realising, when I noticed I sort of gasped and put it away and asked him had he not noticed and he said yes ages ago was waiting to see how long it would take you to notice and laughing about it, which I feel was really disrespectful as lots of people would have seen at that point and he knows I wouldn't like that. I snapped at that point and said he's being really rude to me lately and he was like scoffing that he knew I was biting my tongue and to just admit I'm uptight and can't take banter. Wtf?!

OP posts:
BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 05/06/2023 09:31

That's not banter, that's abuse.

WimpoleHat · 05/06/2023 09:31

That’s not banter. He sounds like an 11 year old boy - and an irritating one at that.

saltrocking · 05/06/2023 09:32

He's a nasty bully

MissyB1 · 05/06/2023 09:33

He’s bullying and abusing you. Tell him this. Also warn him you aren’t going to tolerate it anymore and how does he fancy being single.

BrendaMcPherson · 05/06/2023 09:34

Has he always been such an obnoxious prick?

BluePoolNoodle · 05/06/2023 09:34

Abuse not banter. He’s telling you it will keep happening. My DH would never do any of that

FrigginFrig · 05/06/2023 09:35

He sounds like a cock who thinks he's really funny but he's not.

Sparklfairy · 05/06/2023 09:35

Husband proclaimed a few weeks ago how uptight I am and that he can't banter with me anymore

The key word here is anymore. He's making it sound like He's always been like this and you've changed, but your OP makes it sound like new behaviour. Which is it?

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/06/2023 09:35

You're not "uptight" and what he's doing isn't "banter". What an arse he is.

Newusernameaug · 05/06/2023 09:36

A joke should be both people laughing.
he’s just bullying you. Sorry x

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 05/06/2023 09:37

This isn't banter. It's childish and stupid.

Wiennetta · 05/06/2023 09:38

He sounds really horrible. Is this new behaviour? To me banter is gentle teasing, messing around, nothing that serious. What he’s doing sounds really cruel.

Miscellaneousme · 05/06/2023 09:39

It’s not banter, it’s abuse.

Pixiedust1234 · 05/06/2023 09:40

Sparklfairy · 05/06/2023 09:35

Husband proclaimed a few weeks ago how uptight I am and that he can't banter with me anymore

The key word here is anymore. He's making it sound like He's always been like this and you've changed, but your OP makes it sound like new behaviour. Which is it?

I agree with this as that word jumped out at me.

Btw its not banter. Banter is where two people find it funny and none of that is funny. It's nasty and belittling. Throwing things at you is assault.

Iouisa · 05/06/2023 09:40

Throwing the washing, the gin, and driving the car I would pass off as banter. Letting you walk round with a tit out, throwing food in your face and shutting doors in your face is abuse.

Abouttimemum · 05/06/2023 09:41

DH and I have ‘banter’ but that is not an excuse to be nasty and rude to each other. It’s not banter it’s abuse. He’s being awful to you and blaming you for it. Twat.

thebellagio · 05/06/2023 09:41

That's not banter. Thats abuse and I don't say that lightly.

Banter to me, is gentle teasing where BOTH parties are in on the joke and having fun. What he's doing is not that. In fact, he's being deliberately unkind,

Driving off without you so you have to run up the road after him isn't banter. Thats abusive. As is repeatedly throwing things in your face.

thebellagio · 05/06/2023 09:42

Here is the official definition of banter

banter

noun

  1. the playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks.
  2. "there was much good-natured banter"

verb

  1. exchange remarks in a good-humoured teasing way.
  2. "the men bantered with the waitresses"

Doesn't sound like what he's doing fits under this definition

ODFODeary · 05/06/2023 09:42

Show him this thread to show him how many people don't think it's banter
Mr @NotExactlyJimCarey you are an abusive cunt

Notimeforaname · 05/06/2023 09:42

A couple of the things you mentioned would be banter between my partner and me ..like the driving off and having you walk after him is something I find funny when done to me. The gin things wouldn't bother me.
The trowing clothes down at me (as long as it cant hurt physically) wouldn't upset me, I'd probably laugh and say "good shot" but the rest of it is awful.

Even though I'd find a couple of those things funny, that is not the point here.

You dont find it funny and have told him as much so its definitely not banter, hes being an absolute prick to you for his own amusement.
Sorry op.

MangoBiscuit · 05/06/2023 09:44

Banter is supposed to be funny, to both parties. If only one side is laughing, it's not banter. He sounds like a dickhead.

IncompleteSenten · 05/06/2023 09:44

I agree with the poster who said that's not banter, it's bullying.
He is a nasty bully.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/06/2023 09:46

He sounds like an absolute fucking arsehole.

Would you have laughed at these things in the past?

Also when you are knackered with new baby your tolerance for practical jokes and such like is going to be at an all time low, tell him to lay off you.

dooneyousmugelf · 05/06/2023 09:46

He's a complete and utter cunt.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/06/2023 09:47

He sounds horrible. You’ve got a baby. You are vulnerable. He should be being kind and helping you. The only reason your boob was out was because you were feeding his child. Throwing things and slamming fours in face is a very fine line to escalating and hurting you.
I’d be having a serious conversation. It’s not banter and you aren’t uptight.