Apparently I can't take banter

[NotExactlyJimCarey]

Husband proclaimed a few weeks ago how uptight I am and that he can't banter with me anymore, seemed out of nowhere as I feel like we laugh plenty, and I said as such to him and even apologised if I'd come off that way and said I'd be aware of it.

Since then I feel like he's just being a prick to me. I know he'll say I can't take a joke so I've bitten my tongue but the things that he apparently sees as banter I find just disrespectful. Like he got up off the sofa and threw the rubbish from the food he was eating in my face. When we had a gin one evening he went to refill them and came back and had made himself another gin and tonic but only bought me out a shot of gin as a joke and I had to go back in and make my own gin. He's shut doors in my face. Started driving the car without me getting in so I'm following him up the road with him repeatedly driving off. Throwing a load of his dirty laundry down the stairs deliberately as I'm walking past so it all lands on me. Yesterday at the beach I got upset because I'd been breastfeeding the baby and hadn't popped a boob back in after without realising, when I noticed I sort of gasped and put it away and asked him had he not noticed and he said yes ages ago was waiting to see how long it would take you to notice and laughing about it, which I feel was really disrespectful as lots of people would have seen at that point and he knows I wouldn't like that. I snapped at that point and said he's being really rude to me lately and he was like scoffing that he knew I was biting my tongue and to just admit I'm uptight and can't take banter. Wtf?!

Code for "something I wouldn't say to someone who might kick my head in"

Awful. It’s abuse plain and simple. In fact, he seems to hate you and vents his hatred by acting out these “pranks” like physically throwing rubbish in your face, physically throwing clothes at you, he wants to hit you but knows he can’t get away with that although it may be headed that direction.

He is a nasty, grotesque, ugly bully.

Another thing. You’ve just had a baby. It is common for some men to get angry when they are no longer the sole focus of their wives. There is a resentment toward the baby because of the time and attention the baby takes away from the husband. Yes. Even though he’s the father of the baby. Usually the feelings are mild and temporary but I wonder if it is a factor in this case. He’s trying to get your attention and showing his resentment and hostility at the same time.

What a despicable person. Op, I’m sorry you’re being treated like this, you deserve better. What an immature hateful bully he is.

Jesus OP leave the guy as fast as you can, this is obviously abuse and it's only going to escalate. He's literally humiliating you for his own pleasure. Don't let your kid baby grow up around this.

What a complete pillock. He sounds awful, op. Don’t let him do this. Call him out each time.

Everyone thinks they've got a 'GSOH' don't they? Personally, I don't like practical jokes and people whose sole type of humour is taking the piss and winding people up. There's a mean element to it designed to put the other person down or make them feel stupid. Banter to me should be reciprocal and good natured but what he's doing to you isn't. If this is something new in your relationship you should try to get to the bottom of what's changed.

Your husband is a cunt. Sorry, but that’s my first response to your OP. He’d have to shit gold as a redeeming feature. I’m so sorry you’re being treated so badly. That’s anxiety-inducing and I’d leave him. 💐

He must be the only person in the world who thinks that type of behaviour is funny.

I haven’t read all of the previous replies OP, but it sounds to me like since the birth of your DC he’s started treating you with contempt and is using the ‘banter’ excuse as a cover. He sounds like a nasty, immature piece of work. Instead of supporting you with the baby he’s doing things to make your feel small and ‘less than’.

Not discretely mentioning you weren’t properly covered after breastfeeding his baby, and finding it funny, is a totally contemptuous and unforgivable act, imo.

When my ex-husband began to treat me with contempt it was because he was having affairs and diminishing me was a way of excusing his behaviour to himself - it made me really doubt myself and sort of squashed me down. I didn’t realise it had been happening until after I invited him to leave and suddenly and unexpectedly a weight was lifted and I felt free. I’m not suggesting your husband is cheating, but the effect of his shitty treatment of you might make you feel similar.

There’s nothing wrong with you OP, but there is defiantly something wrong with him. You don’t deserve to be treated with contempt and you don’t have to tolerate it. You have options.

This isn't banter, this is abuse.

That’s bullying and cruel behaviour.

I don't think that's relevant.

A joke isn't a joke when only one person's laughing.

If I saw a man treating my friend, sister or daughter like this I wouldn't be responsible for my actions.

I am a level-headed, calm person who works in the caring professions - but something about the insidious nature of this abuse has made me feel really quite aggressive.

This leapt out at me. I'd only skimmed past the BF bit without it properly sinking in.

Pregnancy/new baby are known triggers for abuse. This is often when it starts. If this behaviour seemed to begin at around this time, that's an enormous red flag right there.

And no judgement here - I had the odd tipple when BF myself - but you are breastfeeding his baby and he gave you neat gin? Not only is he an awful husband, he's hardly contender for father of the year, either.

Bullies also often mask their behaviour as banter. They claim that those who read it correctly as the abuse it is have 'no sense of humour'.

There is no mistaking this as anything other than abuse. I'm sorry, OP, but it rarely improves. Please take care, and watch for signs that this is escalating. They almost always do.

I agree with the posters who are saying that having a baby can be a trigger, because you are more vulnerable, tired, or whatever. Really sorry, as it sounds like that. He sounds abusive.

Banter is where you have everyone involved laughing, genuinely.

If someone isn't laughing, it isnt funny.

'Banter' is only 'banter' when the recipient takes it as such!

I LOVE 'banter', to the point other people are sometimes shocked at the way me and my friends interact-we say some awful things to one another but we all know we can!

BUT this isn't 'banter' in any way, shape or form OP. He sounds like a complete and utter prick and is abusing you. I couldn't be living with someone like that-he sounds absolutely awful!

Nope that's not banter. Like a pp has said, a couple of things you mentioned would be banter between hubby and I, like the driving off, but to be honest it's a quick move of the car as we go to open the door, not make each other run after the car and the gin thing would be funny to me, but again as pp poster said absolutely not the point, these things aren't funny to you, therefore they aren't banter as banter is a two way thing where both parties find it funny. He sounds like an obnoxious, bullying man child and honestly his behaviour would make my vagina drier than the Sahara

Surely this is destroying any affection or attraction you might have felt towards him? Nobody is going to fancy someone who reminds them of the petty wind-ups of childhood sibling relationships.

He sounds like an utter wanker, setting you up with a double bind of wanting to be 'cool' and 'not uptight' to prove him wrong while he behaves like a dick to you?? Fuck that, don't play his stupid game.

That’s not banter that’s being an asshole and you should tell him that.

Tell him that banter is meant to involve humour and he is not fucking funny.

I wonder would he have laughed if you'd flung the gin over him?

Maybe you need to start doing the exact same things back at him, see how hilarious he finds it. That is all a million miles from banter. He sounds like an utter prick.

None of that is banter, joke, normal or nice or close to nice. He sounds like a hateful person. How he is slamming doors, what about if that door hits you, hits the baby on your chest or in your arms, etc? - it is not good.

as many are saying, an exit should be put in place.

Just take this single example:

Like he got up off the sofa and threw the rubbish from the food he was eating in my face.

What would you say to a friend of yours who told you she'd gone on a date with a guy she'd just started seeing who did this? Remenants of half eaten foot, thrown in her face?

You'd tell her to stop seeing him but you probably wouldn't need to because she'd already have stopped.

This is abusive, nasty, treatment. Disrespectful is a huge understatement. It's not disrespect it's contempt.

Banter is when two or more people share an ‘in-joke’ that both of you find funny. For example, my DP loves Avril Lavigne so when I hear her playing I’ll say something like, “Ooh, your girlfriend’s on the radio, Sk8erboi” and he’ll waggle his eyebrows suggestively (I didn’t say it was good banter but it makes us laugh). Throwing clothes at you and letting you be vulnerable in public when he could prevent it as abusive and bullying.

Not banter - abuse and contempt.

Hello,

As a man, if a mate told me he did this to his wife I would call him out for the abusive prick that he is.

I appreciate that you feel dumping the wanker might not be an option, but you can tell him straight that he isn't indulging in ' banter' , and at best ' banter' is for immature teenagers anyway.

If he gets off on being cruel to you, then that's who he is. Might be worth mentioning it to some other men in your life ..brothers? friends partners? who may like to indulge in a bit of ' banter' with him, based on his abusive ways.

Seriously though, whenever and if ever you feel strong enough, get rid of this arsehole.