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Original poster

Apparently I can't take banter

212 replies

NotExactlyJimCarey · 05/06/2023 09:30

Husband proclaimed a few weeks ago how uptight I am and that he can't banter with me anymore, seemed out of nowhere as I feel like we laugh plenty, and I said as such to him and even apologised if I'd come off that way and said I'd be aware of it.

Since then I feel like he's just being a prick to me. I know he'll say I can't take a joke so I've bitten my tongue but the things that he apparently sees as banter I find just disrespectful. Like he got up off the sofa and threw the rubbish from the food he was eating in my face. When we had a gin one evening he went to refill them and came back and had made himself another gin and tonic but only bought me out a shot of gin as a joke and I had to go back in and make my own gin. He's shut doors in my face. Started driving the car without me getting in so I'm following him up the road with him repeatedly driving off. Throwing a load of his dirty laundry down the stairs deliberately as I'm walking past so it all lands on me. Yesterday at the beach I got upset because I'd been breastfeeding the baby and hadn't popped a boob back in after without realising, when I noticed I sort of gasped and put it away and asked him had he not noticed and he said yes ages ago was waiting to see how long it would take you to notice and laughing about it, which I feel was really disrespectful as lots of people would have seen at that point and he knows I wouldn't like that. I snapped at that point and said he's being really rude to me lately and he was like scoffing that he knew I was biting my tongue and to just admit I'm uptight and can't take banter. Wtf?!

OP posts:
XiCi · 05/06/2023 10:36

He sounds absolutely fucking horrible. I'd be making it clear that it stops or I'd be leaving

Natty13 · 05/06/2023 10:38

So what if you can't take banter? Why do British peiple see that as so much of a crime, I really don't get it. Someone told me once I couldn't take a joke and my response was "yeah, I know" but you know what else? I'm also not a dick who shuts doors in people's faces, throws rubbish at them or treats them lile scum in the name of "having a laugh mate". Tell him to go and get some friends he can behave like a 7yo with.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 05/06/2023 10:38

Abuse.

I'm so sorry, OP. Often abuse starts or really ramps up during pregnancy/with small children, which sounds like it might be the case for you? DARVO (deny, attack and reverse victim and offender) - he's manipulating the situation as if it's you who has the problem ("can't take banter") to confuse you and manipulate you into accepting this behaviour (i.e. you have apologised, you have been trying not to react to his abuse).

Follow up on the suggestions for help on this thread, OP x

DataNotLore · 05/06/2023 10:38

"You're entitled to your opinion but so am I. I think you should leave and find someone who shares your sense of humour."

Then get on with planning a new life with your baby as a single mum.

GabriellaMontez · 05/06/2023 10:39

This is abuse.

Did it start when you were pregnant or had the baby?

It's a classic time. Sorry to read this. Can you talk to someone? Your Mum?

Holidaynovice · 05/06/2023 10:39

Banter is just bullying dressed up to gaslight the victim into accepting it. I've said this from when my DC was a preteen and got upset at 'banter' from 'friends'. He's awful OP sorry, I would be telling him it stops and if it didn't I wouldn't stay with him. It's no way to live and an awful example to any DC.

CharlottenBurger · 05/06/2023 10:39

Has he had a bang on the head recently?

CharlottenBurger · 05/06/2023 10:41

Of course it could be that he's just a bit thick and doesn't get that what he's doing is stupid and cruel.

RailwayCutting · 05/06/2023 10:43

Natty13 · 05/06/2023 10:38

So what if you can't take banter? Why do British peiple see that as so much of a crime, I really don't get it. Someone told me once I couldn't take a joke and my response was "yeah, I know" but you know what else? I'm also not a dick who shuts doors in people's faces, throws rubbish at them or treats them lile scum in the name of "having a laugh mate". Tell him to go and get some friends he can behave like a 7yo with.

It's not a British thing it's a dickhead thing.

taxguru · 05/06/2023 10:44

CharlottenBurger · 05/06/2023 10:41

Of course it could be that he's just a bit thick and doesn't get that what he's doing is stupid and cruel.

No, he's a cruel, abusive bully! Being "a bit thick" doesn't make you abusive. Of course, he may be thick AND abusive! We really need to stop making excuses for bullying and abusive behaviour. It's bad enough that "banter" has become acceptable, but excusing such behaviour because someone is "thick" is a step too far, whether he's thick or not.

taxguru · 05/06/2023 10:45

CharlottenBurger · 05/06/2023 10:39

Has he had a bang on the head recently?

If he tried that with me, he'd certainly be getting a bang on head pretty soon, that's for sure!

Yousee · 05/06/2023 10:45

Nope, he's not being a garden variety prick, he's an abusive prick.
It sounds like he's just at the start of his campaign, too. He set the scene with his "banter" comment and now he wants to see how much he can get away with.
How much will you let him away with? I'd be quietly starting to pack my exit. This doesn't sound good at all.

SpringleDingle · 05/06/2023 10:46

What a total arse - I would not put up with any of that. It would be the end of the relationship for me. I don't like that sort of bullying behavior in anyone.

Waspie · 05/06/2023 10:46

If my partner tried this I'd stick his "banter" where the sun doesn't shine. What a nob.

I guess you could try playing him at his own game. Buy the "Boys book of puerile jokes" circa 1974 and work through it. Monday - whoopee cushion, Tuesday - fake dog poo in his shoe etc...

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 05/06/2023 10:48

Start doing it back to him, see how he likes it.

Make yourself tea but don't give him any
Shut doors in his face
Start chucking rubbish all over him
Drive off and leave him in the car park
Lean out the window and empty a glass of water on his head

Each and every time say to him 'ohh it's just banter love'

See how long it takes him to lose his sense of humour then tell him 'if you don't like it, don't try and parcel it up as banter to me, grow up and stop being such a bullying prick'

Beadyeyes91 · 05/06/2023 10:50

This is abuse. Gaslighting. Blaming the victim. Acting like the innocent party. Was he always like this to an extent?

willWillSmithsmith · 05/06/2023 10:52

That’s the worst definition of banter I’ve ever come across. It’s like hitting you over the head with a frying pan and then accusing you of having no sense of humour. Your husband sounds absolutely vile. If his idea of humour is outright abuse he needs a good talking to! Seek outside advice if you need to as this is abuse, no mistake.

JuvenileEmu · 05/06/2023 10:54

GabriellaMontez · 05/06/2023 10:39

This is abuse.

Did it start when you were pregnant or had the baby?

It's a classic time. Sorry to read this. Can you talk to someone? Your Mum?

I agree with this. Abuse often starts after the birth of a baby, and that is what this is, not banter. Speaking as a banter lover 😎

skyeisthelimit · 05/06/2023 10:56

As PP say, that isn't banter, it's immature and abusive behaviour. Most men become more caring after a baby is born, instead this one is shutting doors in your face and throwing food at you. Why is a grown man watching juvenile Tik Toks? Tell him to get off his phone and help with the baby.

If your friend was telling you this story, what advice would you give them?

caringcarer · 05/06/2023 10:56

I was having a coffee with DH when reading this so read it out to him. He was shocked and immediately said he's bullying you. He could not understand if you have a small baby together why he would be so nasty to you. Don't bite your tongue OP, let him have it with 2 barrels blasting.

Fraaahnces · 05/06/2023 10:57

It’s only banter if you’re both into it. If not, it’s abuse. Your DH is a bully who is enjoying this shit. Leave him.

ClawedButler · 05/06/2023 10:57

It sounds to me like he's having a toddler tantrum because you're focused on the baby and not him.

Deeply unsexy.

Walkaround · 05/06/2023 10:57

His idea of “banter” is not actually funny, is it? Would he find it funny if you cooked a meal for everyone except him, or just put a raw carrot on his plate and ensured there was nothing else left for him? How about throwing his dirty laundry out of the bedroom window? That’s about the level of his “banter.”

Bedtimemode · 05/06/2023 11:02

It's only banter if it's funny, otherwise it's bullying

You're not being uptight, tell him to pack it in (sensible option)

Or start doing annoying shit back and see how he likes it (less sensible option)

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