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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I can't take banter

212 replies

NotExactlyJimCarey · 05/06/2023 09:30

Husband proclaimed a few weeks ago how uptight I am and that he can't banter with me anymore, seemed out of nowhere as I feel like we laugh plenty, and I said as such to him and even apologised if I'd come off that way and said I'd be aware of it.

Since then I feel like he's just being a prick to me. I know he'll say I can't take a joke so I've bitten my tongue but the things that he apparently sees as banter I find just disrespectful. Like he got up off the sofa and threw the rubbish from the food he was eating in my face. When we had a gin one evening he went to refill them and came back and had made himself another gin and tonic but only bought me out a shot of gin as a joke and I had to go back in and make my own gin. He's shut doors in my face. Started driving the car without me getting in so I'm following him up the road with him repeatedly driving off. Throwing a load of his dirty laundry down the stairs deliberately as I'm walking past so it all lands on me. Yesterday at the beach I got upset because I'd been breastfeeding the baby and hadn't popped a boob back in after without realising, when I noticed I sort of gasped and put it away and asked him had he not noticed and he said yes ages ago was waiting to see how long it would take you to notice and laughing about it, which I feel was really disrespectful as lots of people would have seen at that point and he knows I wouldn't like that. I snapped at that point and said he's being really rude to me lately and he was like scoffing that he knew I was biting my tongue and to just admit I'm uptight and can't take banter. Wtf?!

OP posts:
greennotepad · 05/06/2023 11:03

This is abuse.

If it's started since baby came along, maybe he's trying to act out for attention? Pathetic, honestly.

At worse he's a bully and an arsehole, and at best he doesn't like you very much. I'd be making plans to leave tbh.

TheHandmaiden · 05/06/2023 11:03

Honestly he's not grown up enough to have a child and you are.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 05/06/2023 11:04

Turn the tables on him and see how he reacts. If he rows back and apologises, you might be able to save your marriage. If he gets angry or escalates, LEAVE. As PPs have said, this looks a lot like abuse.

HowWhatWhyWhen · 05/06/2023 11:06

He's a bully. Put him in the bin.

OneTC · 05/06/2023 11:08

Nearly everyone I've ever met who uses the word banter to describe their own behaviour is a fucking arsehole.

Crayfishforyou · 05/06/2023 11:09

That is not banter, that’s being a total prick.

SweetAndSourChick3n · 05/06/2023 11:12

He sounds like a bully.

yellowsmileyface · 05/06/2023 11:15

It's not aggressive or violent door slamming in my face

Abuse isn't always violent or aggressive, it's behaviour which belittles and disrespects you, that makes you feel uncomfortable and unsettled in your own home.

Bottom line is you don't like what he's doing. You've communicated this to him, and in a healthy relationship he'd respect your feelings, even if it was really "just a joke".

But there's no reasoning with abusive men. He will continue doing what he's doing and you'll always be the problem.

horseyhorsey17 · 05/06/2023 11:16

He's being a massive prick. In fact, 'prick' is far too mild a word. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking 'you can't take banter' because that's not fucking banter, that's him being a rude and nasty tool to you.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 05/06/2023 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I knew someone who treated his wife like this, it was embarrassing to watch..we were embarrassed for her. He belittled her, made fun of her, she saw sense and left him.

TheHandmaiden · 05/06/2023 11:20

OneTC · 05/06/2023 11:08

Nearly everyone I've ever met who uses the word banter to describe their own behaviour is a fucking arsehole.

This

FlyingPandas · 05/06/2023 11:21

yellowsmileyface · 05/06/2023 11:15

It's not aggressive or violent door slamming in my face

Abuse isn't always violent or aggressive, it's behaviour which belittles and disrespects you, that makes you feel uncomfortable and unsettled in your own home.

Bottom line is you don't like what he's doing. You've communicated this to him, and in a healthy relationship he'd respect your feelings, even if it was really "just a joke".

But there's no reasoning with abusive men. He will continue doing what he's doing and you'll always be the problem.

Yes, this.

I'm going to hazard a guess that this has all either started or escalated since baby came along, OP? Horribly common for abuse to start either during pregnancy or with a new baby. There are some pathetic men who can't cope with loss of attention or with the fact that there is another person to consider in the dynamic of your relationship. Your partner's behaviour definitely makes me think this could be the case here. None of it is your fault, but you do need to have a serious think about what you want going forward, because sadly it may get worse.

yellowsmileyface · 05/06/2023 11:23

Turn the tables on him and see how he reacts

Also please don't do this. It sounds like a satisfying course of action on the outside, but it's incredibly dangerous to encourage someone to provoke an abusive partner.

I can already tell you how that would play out. He'll twist things so that what OP is doing is actually different to what he's doing (i.e. OP's doing it to be mean whereas he's actually just joking). Therefore he has a "justified" reason to be upset or angry and consequently punish OP by ramping up the "banter". This could even be when he decides to become violent, safe in the knowledge that she'll feel she deserves it for stooping to his level.

Moveoverdarlin · 05/06/2023 11:26

Play him at his own game, leave one of your baby’s poohs in his shoe and when he puts it on laugh and say it’s banter. Cook dinner for the family and do nothing for him but put one pea on his plate and say he can’t take a joke. Write ‘ITS BANTER U PRICK’ in marker pen on his tshirt.

He’s being vile, I’m quite feisty and would get him back by treating him like shit for a few weeks. Then I would come down on him and say it’s like living with a nasty 11 year old boy. Either be nice or fuck off.

Mmhmmn · 05/06/2023 11:27

yellowsmileyface · 05/06/2023 11:23

Turn the tables on him and see how he reacts

Also please don't do this. It sounds like a satisfying course of action on the outside, but it's incredibly dangerous to encourage someone to provoke an abusive partner.

I can already tell you how that would play out. He'll twist things so that what OP is doing is actually different to what he's doing (i.e. OP's doing it to be mean whereas he's actually just joking). Therefore he has a "justified" reason to be upset or angry and consequently punish OP by ramping up the "banter". This could even be when he decides to become violent, safe in the knowledge that she'll feel she deserves it for stooping to his level.

Agree. Also because ...why should you bring yourself down to enacting that level of abuse when you're just trying to live your life and look after your child like a healthy, mature, civilised adult?

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 05/06/2023 11:30

Please don't continue to tolerate this. You don't deserve it. And your child shouldn't grow up seeing this sort of abuse. Maybe your H will start 'bantering' with your child too.
Tell him it stops now or it's over.

Greenqueen40 · 05/06/2023 11:30

He threw food in your face? For gods sake leave him for you and your dc's sake

LakeTiticaca · 05/06/2023 11:33

My exh used to behave like this. Its not banter, its not funny. It's nasty narc behaviour

StarDolphins · 05/06/2023 11:33

I love banter, this is not banter. Those are strange & irritating things.

Kugela · 05/06/2023 11:33

Don’t lower yourself to his level like some pp are suggesting. You can tell him that you don’t find his ‘banter’ funny but he’s a bully who enjoys upsetting you so it probably won’t help. The only thing that works in this situation is leaving.

Motnight · 05/06/2023 11:33

This is shocking, Op. Hopefully you are finding this thread useful.

Batalax · 05/06/2023 11:34

How are you going to handle this op, having seen that everybody agrees that it definitely isn’t just banter?

Againstmachine · 05/06/2023 11:34

Your husband doesn't understand what banter is so he can't really say you can't take it.

Your husband is an utter prick though.

OhComeOnFFS · 05/06/2023 11:35

Do you have children together? If not, I'd pack a bag and go. If you do have children together, I'd pack his bags and tell him to go.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 05/06/2023 11:39

Is this your first child together? Has this “ banter “ increased since you were pregnant and gave birth ?