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AIBU?

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Original poster

Apparently I can't take banter

212 replies

NotExactlyJimCarey · 05/06/2023 09:30

Husband proclaimed a few weeks ago how uptight I am and that he can't banter with me anymore, seemed out of nowhere as I feel like we laugh plenty, and I said as such to him and even apologised if I'd come off that way and said I'd be aware of it.

Since then I feel like he's just being a prick to me. I know he'll say I can't take a joke so I've bitten my tongue but the things that he apparently sees as banter I find just disrespectful. Like he got up off the sofa and threw the rubbish from the food he was eating in my face. When we had a gin one evening he went to refill them and came back and had made himself another gin and tonic but only bought me out a shot of gin as a joke and I had to go back in and make my own gin. He's shut doors in my face. Started driving the car without me getting in so I'm following him up the road with him repeatedly driving off. Throwing a load of his dirty laundry down the stairs deliberately as I'm walking past so it all lands on me. Yesterday at the beach I got upset because I'd been breastfeeding the baby and hadn't popped a boob back in after without realising, when I noticed I sort of gasped and put it away and asked him had he not noticed and he said yes ages ago was waiting to see how long it would take you to notice and laughing about it, which I feel was really disrespectful as lots of people would have seen at that point and he knows I wouldn't like that. I snapped at that point and said he's being really rude to me lately and he was like scoffing that he knew I was biting my tongue and to just admit I'm uptight and can't take banter. Wtf?!

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 05/06/2023 12:32

I personally find most forms of banter and practical jokes very tedious, so everything you described there in your OP I wouldn't find funny, amusing or entertaining. At its worst, it's targeted bullying where someone becomes the unwitting butt of someone else's joke. How anyone can find that funny is beyond me. And then to add insult to injury, the git who does it then accuses the "victim" of not being able to take a joke.

So to your original point, you shouldn't have to put up with that targeted nasty behaviour, you aren't being over sensitive, your H is an utter dick, simple as.

a thought... could he be sabotaging your relationship because he has someone in the wings and want to make out its all going badly wrong, and it's your fault?

5128gap · 05/06/2023 12:33

He's attention seeking. Some of your attention is being diverted away from him to your child and He's acting out to bring it back to him (big clue in his not telling your about the BF incident) Not uncommon behaviour when a baby arrives. Except you usually see it from toddler siblings not the father.
Not sure how to deal with it tbh as the very idea of it is so off putting I'd be tempted not to bother.
However, if you are still invested in him I'd suggest you address it firmly each time it happens. Tell him clearly he's not funny, he's rude, disrespectful and annoying, and he needs to stop. Walk away whenever possible. Ignore his attempts to convince you it's you, it's not.

diddl · 05/06/2023 12:38

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 05/06/2023 09:31

That's not banter, that's abuse.

First post sums it up!

Never has anyone thrown anything at me or shut a door in my face deliberately.

He must have really ground you down if you think that any of that might be even remotely classed as banter.

Barold · 05/06/2023 12:46

Agree with PPs that what you've described is definitely not banter. It's cruel. Put him in the bin.

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/06/2023 12:47

"Banter" is code for abusive, misogynistic humour at the expense of the person at whose expense it is made. Anyone who tells you you "can't take banter" is a bellend.

He's an abusive arse and he's doing it to get a rise out of you. Leave him as soon as you can. That is all.

ecosystem · 05/06/2023 12:48

Do the same to him and see how long he laughs.......

wildfirewonder · 05/06/2023 12:51

He's a bully. What a shit.

Banter is very often just cover for 'I want to make you the butt of the joke'.

Robin2008 · 05/06/2023 13:03

Is he seeing someone else?

Outdamnspot23 · 05/06/2023 13:08

This sounds awful, don't worry about being told you "can't take banter" OP, he's just using that as a way to be a horrible prick to you without you being able to complain.

I wonder if he's trying to engineer relationship problems for some reason e.g. another woman.

LlamaFace19 · 05/06/2023 13:13

He is a nasty, horrible bully.

Deathraystare · 05/06/2023 13:17

@Iouisa ·
Throwing the washing, the gin, and driving the car I would pass off as banter. Letting you walk round with a tit out, throwing food in your face and shutting doors in your face is abuse.

Throwing the washing, the gin, and driving the car I would pass off as banter.

No no no. It is all abuse. He thinks she doesn't matter and he can do what he likes

Rosscameasdoody · 05/06/2023 13:24

I’m with others here. This isn’t banter, it’s abuse, and you need to tell him that - show him this thread maybe. I’d be telling him that if it doesn’t stop he’ll find himself single and he can try out his brand of banter on someone else !!

Zarataralara · 05/06/2023 13:30

If he did these things at work, or on a bus, or randomly in the park what do you think would happen? Would work colleagues or strangers put up with food rubbish thrown in their faces? Having random items thrown at them? Would he be disciplined at work or maybe even arrested in public?
It’s not banter, it’s abuse as you know.

FrostyFifi · 05/06/2023 13:30

He's an abusive bully. He is treating you in a particularly ugly, demeaning and contemptuous way.

bringincrazyback · 05/06/2023 13:33

As pps have said, that's not banter. He's being a gaslighting twunt and you shouldn't have to put up with this sort of behaviour.

OneSugar1 · 05/06/2023 13:35

What an irritating little prick.

Fisharejumping · 05/06/2023 13:37

Wiennetta · 05/06/2023 09:38

He sounds really horrible. Is this new behaviour? To me banter is gentle teasing, messing around, nothing that serious. What he’s doing sounds really cruel.

Especially as she has a newborn

A lot of abuse starts/escalates when a woman has a baby.

ClawedButler · 05/06/2023 13:37

Does he engage in this kind of banter with his boss? Does he throw the contents of the bin at his colleagues? Would he shut the door in the face of a client?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/06/2023 13:39

It’s not banter. He’s a juvenile prick.

PoshHorseyBird · 05/06/2023 13:43

Maybe you should turn the tables on him. Lace his dinner with salt. Tell him 'god it's just banter!' Throw your drink in his face. 'Oh you're so uptight it's just banter!' In other words see how he likes it! If he says anything just say 'but it's what you do to me! You find it funny don't you?' Failing that just kick him out, what hes doing is not banter its abusive.

wyntersuhn · 05/06/2023 13:47

DH and I banter...what you've described is not banter. It's abuse, and he's gaslighting you by 'proclaiming' that you're the one in the wrong for not finding it funny. Have you tried looking bewildered and asking him to explain the joke?

Tryagainplease · 05/06/2023 13:47

This isn’t banter, it’s humiliation

ifIwerenotanandroid · 05/06/2023 13:47

I agree with everyone else: it's not banter, & abuse like this often starts when a woman is pregnant or gives birth.

I saw it happen to a male friend who was always good-natured & liked a (genuine) laugh. After his first child was born he changed completely & a resentful side of him came out which I'd never seen before. I put it down to his losing his spot as the centre of attention. It wasn't pretty.

When DH & I were very young, one time he went off to pay for his petrol & I, sitting in his car, decided to take the car key out & put it in my bag & pretend it was lost. I've no idea why I thought this would be funny. He came back, couldn't find the key & was so worried about it being lost that I confessed & gave it back. He just looked at me seriously & said, "Don't ever do that again. There's enough to contend with in life, without that sort of thing." And I never have. If someone asks you to stop, you stop. You don't carry on & make it their fault. We have plenty of laughs over things we both find funny.

potniatheron · 05/06/2023 13:49

Domestic abuse. As other PPs have said, pregnancy and childbirth are key moments where domestic abuse can begin.

Tell your family, tell your GP, speak to Refuge and other DV charities, find out what your options are and make a plan accordingly.

Domestic abuse often escalates. You also have to think about the effect on your child as your child grows.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/06/2023 13:50

Your husband is doing things purposely to offend/upset you. He's not 'bantering', he's just a resentful dickhead. Get rid of him before he really brings you down.

Leaving you with your boob hanging out? He's gross and hugely disrespectful of you. Driving off and kept doing that whilst you were trying to get in? Pathetic.

He's intentionally hurtful towards you, angry even. I wonder why that is? There's no excuse though. I hope he reads the thread and sees what other women think of the twat.