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AIBU?

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Original poster

Apparently I can't take banter

212 replies

NotExactlyJimCarey · 05/06/2023 09:30

Husband proclaimed a few weeks ago how uptight I am and that he can't banter with me anymore, seemed out of nowhere as I feel like we laugh plenty, and I said as such to him and even apologised if I'd come off that way and said I'd be aware of it.

Since then I feel like he's just being a prick to me. I know he'll say I can't take a joke so I've bitten my tongue but the things that he apparently sees as banter I find just disrespectful. Like he got up off the sofa and threw the rubbish from the food he was eating in my face. When we had a gin one evening he went to refill them and came back and had made himself another gin and tonic but only bought me out a shot of gin as a joke and I had to go back in and make my own gin. He's shut doors in my face. Started driving the car without me getting in so I'm following him up the road with him repeatedly driving off. Throwing a load of his dirty laundry down the stairs deliberately as I'm walking past so it all lands on me. Yesterday at the beach I got upset because I'd been breastfeeding the baby and hadn't popped a boob back in after without realising, when I noticed I sort of gasped and put it away and asked him had he not noticed and he said yes ages ago was waiting to see how long it would take you to notice and laughing about it, which I feel was really disrespectful as lots of people would have seen at that point and he knows I wouldn't like that. I snapped at that point and said he's being really rude to me lately and he was like scoffing that he knew I was biting my tongue and to just admit I'm uptight and can't take banter. Wtf?!

OP posts:
backseatwatching · 05/06/2023 11:42

Theres banter and theres taking the piss .
Sometimes jokes go too far and there not jokes anymore .
My ex was the same i can take alot of banter but i just became the joke of all the jokes it did bring me down im ok now but it was awful at the time.
He`s an ex now thank god .

BlackeyedSusan · 05/06/2023 11:42

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 05/06/2023 09:31

That's not banter, that's abuse.

This.

He's abusive.

Hidinginaonesie · 05/06/2023 11:46

Blimey, how old is he?! Sounds like the kind of things my young teen ds would find amusing (but still have the sense to not actually do!). Twat.

AthenaPopodopolous · 05/06/2023 11:49

He’s showing total contempt for you. Nasty bastard, often abusers start during or pregnancy or after a child is born. Either he changes pronto or you should leave him.

steppemum · 05/06/2023 11:56

NotExactlyJimCarey · 05/06/2023 10:33

No this had never been our humour so it's baffling to me where the want to do this has come from. He hasn't hung out with anyone new he does watch TikTok's a lot and I'm genuinely wondering if there's some account on there that he's trying to copy because it's just weird to me

It's not aggressive or violent door slamming in my face but just like I'll be about to walk through the door and he'll close it deliberately so I have to open it again. It's like constant irritating things like my brothers used to do growing up which was one thing but from my husband is quite another

tell him that your brothers used to do it when they were 11 and 12. Then they grew out of it.

He can choose, behave like an immature 11 year old, or grow up.
If he chooses not to grow up, then don't expect you to stay.

It does sound like he has been watching ticktock and thinking Oh I could try that.
What an arse. he has a new baby and should be going out ofhis way to help and support.

Iamclearlyamug · 05/06/2023 11:57

He's a wanker - why are you with him?

oakleaffy · 05/06/2023 11:57

@NotExactlyJimCarey
I’m appalled at his awful disrespectful treatment of you.

Throwing garbage in your face?
Get rid of the garbage in your own life.
Eg, him.

Stillafatknacker · 05/06/2023 11:59

What a pig! He's vile.

Beautiful3 · 05/06/2023 11:59

Thats not banter. It's actually horrible what he's doing to you.

oakleaffy · 05/06/2023 11:59

AthenaPopodopolous · 05/06/2023 11:49

He’s showing total contempt for you. Nasty bastard, often abusers start during or pregnancy or after a child is born. Either he changes pronto or you should leave him.

Yes, it’s deep disrespect.

It’s not “ Banter”, it’s bullying.

What a vile little Scrote to behave that way.

Verv · 05/06/2023 12:02

He's abusive and there is a 100% chance you'd be better off without his shit.

samqueens · 05/06/2023 12:02

Im so sorry OP - that is absolutely abuse not banter.

Really recommend you read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Read discreetly, you can download on kindle app). It will make you feel less unhinged. Then consider what you want to do next. Good luck

TeaDrinkerAnonymous · 05/06/2023 12:09

I often find that that 'banter' is often used to disguise what is often bullying/ abusive behaviour, because if you remove the word 'banter' then shutting doors in faces, throwing stuff at people or humiliating them is exactly that - bullying/abuse. I see it as a big red flag if you are in a relationship with someone who engages in this sort of behaviour and doesn't respect that someone may not find their hilariousness all that funny and instead of accepting others views on what is essentially poor behaviour, they use it to gaslight you into thinking it is you with the problem.

Your oh is an abusive, gaslighting twat, targeting the mother of his young baby when he should be bending over backwards to look after and support you. Like others have mentioned, it is worrying that this seems to correlate with arrival of baby. Please be mindful of his behaviour escalating and have other support around you, as I feel you may need it. Sorry this is happening to you, you deserve better.

HerculesMulligan · 05/06/2023 12:09

I have a really lovely male friend, who once said "banter is just another word for being a dick". I think we should make t-shirts with that slogan on them. It's always, always true.

mainsfed · 05/06/2023 12:12

Starting getting your ducks in a row to leave him, and in the meantime do it all back to him so the dickwad knows what it feels like.

Bookworm20 · 05/06/2023 12:13

This isn't banter. he knows you are feeling hurt of all of this and hes just laughing at you.
Thats not friendly banter, where he'd be mortified if he realised he had upset you. He isn't mortified. He is enjoying it.

Hes an abusive piece of shit OP, I'm so sorry.

Don't let him put this on you not being able to 'take a joke'.

He is being nasty and he damn well knows it and is getting off on it.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/06/2023 12:13

I wondered if it started during pregnancy, too.

He’s abusing you. And abusing you yet further by saying it’s your fault because it’s banter and you can’t take a joke…

Hairbrushhandle · 05/06/2023 12:16

There is a TikTok family who explode balloons of shaving foam over each other and so loads of party popper exploding 'pranks' and film it all. It looks horrendous to live in that environment but presumably they make a lot of money off of it. My bet is he's watched this and now thinks it's acceptable.

Iamnotalemming · 05/06/2023 12:21

He is being a prick. That is not banter.

Nanny0gg · 05/06/2023 12:24

Didn't 'banter' use to be the back and forth of witty remarks and jokes?

Not pulling unfunny/bullying pranks on people?

mrstrickland · 05/06/2023 12:26

Sadly this is abuse, not banter. And he is gaslighting you by saying it is you that has changed. Its time to have a sit down chat with him to let him know that his behaviour is cruel and unacceptable. To leave you in the vulnerable position of not telling you your boob was still out after breastfeeding it beyond cruel and nasty. Good luck OP

Glockle · 05/06/2023 12:27

How can anyone find this funny? Having dirty washing thrown at you is demeaning. As are all the other things. If you don’t find it funny then it’s not.
This is disgusting and I would not tolerate it from a partner.

amusedbush · 05/06/2023 12:29

He sounds like an absolute prick.

I'm the first to admit that I'm a bit uptight and find it hard to laugh at myself but what you describe is deeply unpleasant behaviour - way beyond "banter". Please don't tolerate this just because he said you can't take a joke; that's just what bullies say to grind you down and justify their actions.

Theladyinluna · 05/06/2023 12:31

He's bullying you and then blaming you for being upset, rather than blame himself for being a bully.

Its abusive.

Tell him your marriage is over if he does not stop. And mean it.

You do not want your child thinking this is how relationships work.

itwasntmetho · 05/06/2023 12:32

The first statement that you can't take a joke was grooming you to pretend that you don't mind being treated badly.

I'm sorry your husband is a prick.