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AIBU?

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Original poster

Apparently I can't take banter

212 replies

NotExactlyJimCarey · 05/06/2023 09:30

Husband proclaimed a few weeks ago how uptight I am and that he can't banter with me anymore, seemed out of nowhere as I feel like we laugh plenty, and I said as such to him and even apologised if I'd come off that way and said I'd be aware of it.

Since then I feel like he's just being a prick to me. I know he'll say I can't take a joke so I've bitten my tongue but the things that he apparently sees as banter I find just disrespectful. Like he got up off the sofa and threw the rubbish from the food he was eating in my face. When we had a gin one evening he went to refill them and came back and had made himself another gin and tonic but only bought me out a shot of gin as a joke and I had to go back in and make my own gin. He's shut doors in my face. Started driving the car without me getting in so I'm following him up the road with him repeatedly driving off. Throwing a load of his dirty laundry down the stairs deliberately as I'm walking past so it all lands on me. Yesterday at the beach I got upset because I'd been breastfeeding the baby and hadn't popped a boob back in after without realising, when I noticed I sort of gasped and put it away and asked him had he not noticed and he said yes ages ago was waiting to see how long it would take you to notice and laughing about it, which I feel was really disrespectful as lots of people would have seen at that point and he knows I wouldn't like that. I snapped at that point and said he's being really rude to me lately and he was like scoffing that he knew I was biting my tongue and to just admit I'm uptight and can't take banter. Wtf?!

OP posts:
fromdownwest · 05/06/2023 10:09

If that is his banter, then he needs to work on it. Sounds like him just being a d*ck to be fair.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 05/06/2023 10:10

Laugh at his tiny dick.
Piss in his tea.
Banter right?
Ltb and don't look back.

FellPuck · 05/06/2023 10:11

It sounds like he has contempt for you, that's not banter.

Sicario · 05/06/2023 10:12

"Can't you take a joke?" and "I was only joking" are both commonly-used abuse tactics.

It's a form of gaslighting that allows a man to be abusive to his partner then dress it up as "joking".

This is not "banter". It's abuse.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 05/06/2023 10:13

OP do you have family you could go to for a break? In your shoes I would pack a bag, take the baby and go. Text your H and tell him you are unhappy about how he's been treating you and are staying away for a few days. Then go radio silent.

Your H's reaction will tell you what you need to know.

If you get some worried questions about where you are etc., then it shows that there may be a nice person still lurking underneath the dickhead. In which case you can have a warts and all conversation with him about his behaviour, the strain on your marriage and the fact he needs to change.

If, on the other hand, you get a load of bullshit nonsense accusing you of being a snowflake/too sensitive/can't take a joke, then you know that this is not worth saving because he's a bellend. In which case you can then make longer term plans for divorce.

AlisonDonut · 05/06/2023 10:13

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 05/06/2023 09:31

That's not banter, that's abuse.

^ This.

What are your options?

Batalax · 05/06/2023 10:14

That’s not most peoples definition of banter.

It seems as if he’s now seeing how far he can push you. That’s awful behaviour.

CharlottenBurger · 05/06/2023 10:15

I always knock on the front door to be let in if I know husband is inside, and not having a nap. When I've been out to get my hair done and return home I knock and he opens the door and slams it in my face (pretending he doesn't know who I am) and, often opens it again and hustles me inside saying 'Quick, before Charlie comes back'. This is one of those things with us (there are many!) that started as a joke and now must be done to avoid bad luck (e.g. the sky falling on our heads). It's all supremely good-natured and part of the fun we have together. I think that what the OP's husband is doing sounds like the very opposite of good-natured - at best (!) crassly insensitive and at worst cruelty disguised as 'bants' as my son calls it. I'd think about leaving if the relationship had deteriorated that much.

Deadringer · 05/06/2023 10:16

He is a very nasty man.

taxguru · 05/06/2023 10:16

Has he always been an abusive bully? Time to get rid. You'll be far better off on your own.

Bullies and abusers claim it's "banter" to try and get away with their unacceptable behaviour.

DappledThings · 05/06/2023 10:16

Iouisa · 05/06/2023 09:40

Throwing the washing, the gin, and driving the car I would pass off as banter. Letting you walk round with a tit out, throwing food in your face and shutting doors in your face is abuse.

None of it is banter. It's all designed to belittle and bully.

The gin one might have been banter if he'd also gone and fixed it. But he left it. DH recently got me a glass of wine, I can't remember why but for some reason it was a mouthful in a shot glass. It was funny at the time and because it was a joke he immediately went and got me the proper glass as well while I laighed and called him a muppet. That's the big difference.

bonzaitree · 05/06/2023 10:18

This is abuse. Walk away now it will continue and deteriorate.

Blueskies13 · 05/06/2023 10:18

Banter or not. Where is his respect for you? It all sounds very hurtful behaviour.

DollyTrolly · 05/06/2023 10:18

He's a bully.
He knows you don't like it but carries on anyway. You don't treat someone you love like that.

TheCheeseTray · 05/06/2023 10:19

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 05/06/2023 10:10

Laugh at his tiny dick.
Piss in his tea.
Banter right?
Ltb and don't look back.

This. Abuse is banter according to abusers. Or you are too emotionally sensitive or can’t take a joke.

Mmhmmn · 05/06/2023 10:19

MissyB1 · 05/06/2023 09:33

He’s bullying and abusing you. Tell him this. Also warn him you aren’t going to tolerate it anymore and how does he fancy being single.

THIS. Absolute prick.

He thinks he can suddenly start treating you badly because you've a baby to look after? NO.

PriamFarrl · 05/06/2023 10:21

Often in a relationship you have little in jokes and comments. But you both know and consent to it being funny.
This sounds like he’s being an arse. Also, I’ve never known someone use the word ‘banter’ without it actually being an excuse for something that is rude or upsetting.

Workawayxx · 05/06/2023 10:21

horrible mean bullying behaviour towards the mother of his small baby. The really worrying thing is how he set it up to be your fault before beginning this vile little campaign by saying you no longer take “banter”. It’s so gaslighting and premeditated. I think you really need to call him out every time and stop worrying about being seen as uptight.

sandyhappypeople · 05/06/2023 10:23

DappledThings · 05/06/2023 10:16

None of it is banter. It's all designed to belittle and bully.

The gin one might have been banter if he'd also gone and fixed it. But he left it. DH recently got me a glass of wine, I can't remember why but for some reason it was a mouthful in a shot glass. It was funny at the time and because it was a joke he immediately went and got me the proper glass as well while I laighed and called him a muppet. That's the big difference.

Show quote history

Mine does this if I ask for a small glass.. he brings it in a shot glass! 😂 he then goes out and gets me a proper one, because he’s not a twat.

Thelnebriati · 05/06/2023 10:23

What he is doing is not how a loving partner behaves towards the mother of his child. Some abusers wait until they have you trapped with a new baby and then ramp up the abuse.

I recommend you start to write this all down, document every incident with the time, date and a description. Keep the incident diary in a safe place where he can't find it.
And get some support from Women's Aid, they will help you decide what to do moving forwards.
Womens Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

The Freedom Programme
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I need help - information and support on domestic abuse

Not sure if you're experiencing abuse? Worried about someone else? If you or a friend need help, we are here. Learn more about our information and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support

grumpycow1 · 05/06/2023 10:24

I’m sorry but he’s a complete bully. You don’t deserve it. Was he always like this or worsened since baby came along?

BattingDown · 05/06/2023 10:26

I agree with everyone else, this is abuse. And he’s trying to make sure you can’t complain about being abused by setting it up as ‘banter’. It’s not banter. It’s not uncommon for abuse to ramp up after you have a baby. You don’t have to live like this.

viques · 05/06/2023 10:31

Iouisa · 05/06/2023 09:40

Throwing the washing, the gin, and driving the car I would pass off as banter. Letting you walk round with a tit out, throwing food in your face and shutting doors in your face is abuse.

Well I disagree with you, I think all his actions need to be taken into account since they are deliberately done to both humiliate and distress the OP. They are not playful, or affectionate, or gentle teasing.

He is abusive.

Original poster
NotExactlyJimCarey · 05/06/2023 10:33

No this had never been our humour so it's baffling to me where the want to do this has come from. He hasn't hung out with anyone new he does watch TikTok's a lot and I'm genuinely wondering if there's some account on there that he's trying to copy because it's just weird to me

It's not aggressive or violent door slamming in my face but just like I'll be about to walk through the door and he'll close it deliberately so I have to open it again. It's like constant irritating things like my brothers used to do growing up which was one thing but from my husband is quite another

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 05/06/2023 10:35

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 05/06/2023 09:50

Did these behaviours start/ramp up when you became pregnant or had the baby?

This is what jumped out at me. He is abusing you. And abuse often starts and/or intensifies on pregnancy or after a new baby arrives.