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Original poster

Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

307 replies

WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:13

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/06/2023 09:16

Is there a compromise like a crash pad/flat in the town and a property in country? So he doesn't have to commute so far for work

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/06/2023 09:16

It doesnt matter what the issue...refusing to speak about it and then getting angry and then punishing you by giving you the silent treatment is unacceptable. Refusing to at least attempt a compromise is unacceptable...especially as his issues (like not liking packing) are surmountable. Do you want to stay with him?

MatildaTheCat · 05/06/2023 09:18

Is there any scope for compromise? If he actually promised this would happen then you are absolutely entitled to feel upset. If it was more of a ‘maybe in a few years’ sort of agreement then that’s a bit different.

However he shouldn’t have a right to impose decisions on you and needs to be willing to have a discussion and plan on resolving this issue.

If he really won’t engage I’d be tempted to say you need couples counselling because this marriage isn’t working out the way you’d planned.

FatGirlSwim · 05/06/2023 09:18

Go without him? The stonewalling and making unilateral decisions based on his wants with no regard for anyone else doesn’t sound good.

EvilElsa · 05/06/2023 09:18

That's very hard. I have a similar long term plan and would be devastated like you. I think, if you have an otherwise great relationship, you need to sit down and discuss a compromise. To be honest, if he was fully set on never moving and wouldn't even discuss it it would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't live forever in a place I'm unhappy.

Bonding · 05/06/2023 09:19

When did your dream of living in the countryside appear and did he know?

How rural as well, it’s can actually be a bit shit living rurally, got the t.shirt as I grew up rurally. I love the countryside but have the best of both worlds by living on the very edge of a town so have fields and woodland 15 minutes one way and plenty of amenities 15 minutes the other way.

BeverlyHa · 05/06/2023 09:20

There are men like that who are practical and do not want to risk changing their jobs .....it is the ultimate gift to a wife a husband to make this sacrifice for her and her dream.

I am in a similar position, I had a dream of moving deeper in the countryside or coastal areas while we were just starting as a family and the children did not need a primary school yet, even his mum was advising us to do it back then and he said may be, may be not, so we got stuck to this same situation, town, close to his work.

Children in primary now, he started wanting to move but again, the lack of jobs like his and ....

I do crafts, cooking and sort of countryside things .....for at least spiritual inspiration

Bintle · 05/06/2023 09:21

WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:13

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

How old are your kids now? Maybe wait until they've actually finished school then bring it up again. If you are talking about it a lot when you have years to go that might be unsettling.

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2023 09:21

Divorce and move without him; a relationship where you can’t talk and compromise isn’t working

bussteward · 05/06/2023 09:21

FatGirlSwim · 05/06/2023 09:18

Go without him? The stonewalling and making unilateral decisions based on his wants with no regard for anyone else doesn’t sound good.

Yep. If he continues to behave this way, combined with the resentment you feel and the millstone mortgage, you’ll end up leaving anyway. Why not do it now rather than wasting 20 years being unhappy.

Bintle · 05/06/2023 09:23

How is it your older children's dream if they will have finished school? They'll be off at uni by then won't they? Better make sure they can drive if they want to move to the countryside otherwise they'll have no social life unless you are a taxi (bitter experience!)

WilkinsonM · 05/06/2023 09:23

He gets angry and refuses to talk to you for days?
get a divorce, sell the house and buy a little place where you want to without him.
not even joking.

LowBar · 05/06/2023 09:24

Leave him and go yourself

If he agreed then changed his mind then it's him who has altered the terms.
You'll spend your life resenting him.
I had similar with an ex. He claimed he would move abroad, we looked at a compromise of somewhere in England and he turned and said he had no intention of ever leaving. Among lots of other things.
He dumped me, I met someone else and no longer live in the UK.
I'd have hated my life in the UK. Don't hate your life. Live it.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 05/06/2023 09:24

Go without him - he sounds horrible.

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:25

It's difficult because the reason it came up was because we need to make alterations/updates to the house but how we do it is dependent on whether or not we move.

For example we need new windows, do we fit expensive windows that we love but will be worth it because we'll enjoy them forever or do we fit nice but cheaper windows because we won't be around to enjoy them. The expensive windows won't add enough value to the house to make them financially viable if we are to sell.

There are lots of things like this, we bought a fixer upper to make money on.

OP posts:
CoffeeAndFagToStartTheDay · 05/06/2023 09:25

WilkinsonM · 05/06/2023 09:23

He gets angry and refuses to talk to you for days?
get a divorce, sell the house and buy a little place where you want to without him.
not even joking.

this^

he is not a nice person

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:27

Hankunamatata · 05/06/2023 09:16

Is there a compromise like a crash pad/flat in the town and a property in country? So he doesn't have to commute so far for work

Sadly we aren't rich enough for a second property.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/06/2023 09:27

You dont have to stay. You can leave, force the sale of the house and buy where you want. I'm assuming your job can be done anywhere since you want to leave so bad.

What's stopping you?

Bintle · 05/06/2023 09:28

WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:25

It's difficult because the reason it came up was because we need to make alterations/updates to the house but how we do it is dependent on whether or not we move.

For example we need new windows, do we fit expensive windows that we love but will be worth it because we'll enjoy them forever or do we fit nice but cheaper windows because we won't be around to enjoy them. The expensive windows won't add enough value to the house to make them financially viable if we are to sell.

There are lots of things like this, we bought a fixer upper to make money on.

I can see it would be annoying living with someone who kept bringing up moving if you wanted to fix the place up!

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:30

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/06/2023 09:16

It doesnt matter what the issue...refusing to speak about it and then getting angry and then punishing you by giving you the silent treatment is unacceptable. Refusing to at least attempt a compromise is unacceptable...especially as his issues (like not liking packing) are surmountable. Do you want to stay with him?

Yes, we've been together 22 years and this his reaction to every disagreement.

He can't cope with saying no so he says nothing until that thing starts to happen and then he freaks out.

He hates arguments so he'll get cross and then not talk.

OP posts:
Ffsmakeitstop · 05/06/2023 09:32

We are currently having the opposite issue. DH is 68, hasn't worked for 14 years due to ill health. I am 65 and work full time and need to work till 70 to pay our mortgage. I will also get my pension.
I paid all our outgoings until he got his pension last year because he wasn't entitled to any benefits, which meant I've had to extend the mortgage to still have a home. To say it was stressful is an understatement.
We are now in a reasonable position where we can afford days out on a weekend, nothing extravagant just a drive and lunch out. BUT because he's bored and rarely sees people he wants to sell up and live in a caravan. He cannot see why I don't want to. I fee! I have worked too hard to end up living with no space and not much privacy.
His reasoning is partly that the garden is a bit big to manage, I think we could pay someone to do it and we have adult kids who would help. I also wouldn't need to work as I get my pension next year. But to me it just feels like I will go back to just managing and I can't do that again.
He is currently not speaking to me. He has said if I don't agree we will split up. Fine if he can do that after 40 years so easily crack on.
Sorry for the rant. I don't have an answer.

YouveGotAFastCar · 05/06/2023 09:33

Your dream isn't being shattered; that's a really passive way of looking at it, which suggests you have no control. You do.

It sounds like your husband doesn't want to move. You may not be able to change that - you're in the best position to assess if you've had the conversation in full and if there's any merit in discussing compromises or if he's likely to change his mind. If there is, that's your first route to explore.

If there's not, and I'm presuming there isn't or you wouldn't be posting here about shattered dreams, then it looks like he is staying - but that doesn't mean you have to. You still have the ability to move. You can take responsibility for your own life, for making it as good as you can, for achieving your own dreams. You can decide that you didn't want to live here forever, and you'd be happier elsewhere, and you can look into how you make that happen. Realistically that might not be the exact plan you had before, but neither is staying in the house you live in now, with a grumpy husband.

That might mean a long-distance relationship. It might mean splitting your time. It might mean splitting up. There are options.

If you decide that you don't want any of those, and you'd rather stay in your house with him; then he didn't shatter your dream - you made the decision to stay; out of ease, or loyalty, or whatever driving emotion you feel - and so you need to frame it that way. There's no point in blaming him or sulking, because you've accepted that as the option you wish to take. You have others. You're not helpless.

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:34

MatildaTheCat · 05/06/2023 09:18

Is there any scope for compromise? If he actually promised this would happen then you are absolutely entitled to feel upset. If it was more of a ‘maybe in a few years’ sort of agreement then that’s a bit different.

However he shouldn’t have a right to impose decisions on you and needs to be willing to have a discussion and plan on resolving this issue.

If he really won’t engage I’d be tempted to say you need couples counselling because this marriage isn’t working out the way you’d planned.

I have tried for years to get him to go to couples counseling.

Our marriage hasn't been easy and I paper over the cracks but I do love him.

He doesn't like to say no and so this is the problem he either says nothing or agrees with a 'we'll see' type response. Sometimes I don't spot it but now looking back over the conversations of the last 2 years I think he hasn't given a firm commitment until last week when I said to him we can make this happen if we really want it, are you in? And he said yes.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 05/06/2023 09:34

He is allowed to change his mind though. Does he hate the house too? Maybe he loves living in the area. Have you made good friends?

Or is it really just down to him not liking the process of moving house? Or perhaps it’s the starting again in a new place. It’s harder to make friends as you get older.

Bintle · 05/06/2023 09:36

WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:34

I have tried for years to get him to go to couples counseling.

Our marriage hasn't been easy and I paper over the cracks but I do love him.

He doesn't like to say no and so this is the problem he either says nothing or agrees with a 'we'll see' type response. Sometimes I don't spot it but now looking back over the conversations of the last 2 years I think he hasn't given a firm commitment until last week when I said to him we can make this happen if we really want it, are you in? And he said yes.

Show quote history

If your marriage isn't great I don't think moving out of an area that he clearly likes and has an easy commute is going to fix things.

Maybe it's him you want to leave, not the area?