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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I asked my parents to celebrate with me me being five years cancer free

291 replies

Saturday47 · 03/06/2023 22:30

Five years ago this I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and radiation. I have been well since.

This evening I told my parents that I was five years in the clear and would they go out to lunch with me some day soon to celebrate. I am single, have no partner to celebrate with.
I can’t get over their reaction. They both turned vicious, told me that I was feeling sorry for myself bringing up the whole cancer thing. They also told me that I needed to “ get on with it”. I’d like to stress that I hardly ever talk about my cancer. They then told me that basically so what about me being five years in the clear, it was luck I have survived and to stop saying that I am some sort of a proud survivor. I then told them that I was a proud survivor and that I have a pink ribbon screensaver on my PC at work. My mother flipped altogether when she heard this and told me to change my screensaver immediately because my colleagues are saying “that one has a poor me attitude’. She’s been in a huff for the rest of the evening hardly talking to me at all.

AIBU to ask them to go to lunch with me to celebrate? I’m so upset at their reaction.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2023 03:01

Congratulations on 5 years cancer free. You can celebrate whatever you want.

Your parents sound utterly vile.

I would, personally, get as far away as i could and stay as far away as possible.

If others choose not to celebrate, that is their business. Of course we all choose the markers and mile stones in life that are important to us.

Good luck for the future. You sound like an amazing person.

IncompleteSenten · 04/06/2023 03:19

How does your mother even know what your colleagues are saying?

Ignore your parents. They're being arseholes.
It's a shame you have to stay with them for a few months because I think it's going to be very upsetting and depressing for you.

Probably the best thing to do to protect yourself right now is expect nothing from them, ask nothing from them and share nothing with them then they can't hurt you any more.

I'd try to find a room to rent if possible because you're going to feel more and more depressed the longer you have to live with them.

Fraaahnces · 04/06/2023 03:21

Oh my god! Can I just say that I fucking hate your parents? (I think they’re a bit too much like mine were, and it’s triggering.) Please don’t look after them when they’re old. Just chuck them in a nursing home and let them fester. You need to celebrate with your lovely cousin who sounds like he has your best interests at heart. Please call him and tell him everything. Biiiiig hugs!

mathanxiety · 04/06/2023 03:56

Thiswontbepopular · 04/06/2023 01:03

And in case any is wondering,Yes, I passed the 5 year mark without needing any celebration.

I doubt anyone was wondering.

mathanxiety · 04/06/2023 03:59

@Saturday47

If I were you I'd prefer to live in a cardboard box under a bridge with my baby than spend another day with those twats.

Is there really no other option for you apart from living with them?

theblackradiator · 04/06/2023 04:16

I suppose my mum is a bit like your parents but with the difference that my mum was the one who went through and survived cancer. she is also 5 years cancer free this year but will not acknowledge it. She wants no reminders of the most awful period of her life. She never ever talks about it and she will not even say the word cancer. she gets on with her life as though it never happened. it obviously deeply affected her and I think she has extreme anxiety about it returning so just wants to block any thoughts or talk of cancer out completely. just her way of coping I suppose.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 04/06/2023 04:29

PucketyPuckPuck · 04/06/2023 03:00

I think there's some truth in what your parents have said. You wouldn't for example celebrate surviving a redundancy or losing your home in a fire would you? It was mostly luck that you had cancer and luck you survived

Your parents' reaction sounds callous and way OTT...but I do agree with this poster about there being a grain of truth in what they've said.

I absolutely understand raising a glass after 5 years and feeling thankful, ecstatic etc. It IS a milestone to be celebrated and one to feel grateful for.

But attaching 'pride' to cancer survival has always struck me as odd. Because it is just down to pure luck. Nothing you personally did gave you cancer and nothing you did caused it to go.

Saying you're proud of something infers that it's an achievement of yours when it really is just pure, pure good luck that your cancer responded to treatment when many others' didn't.

In a similar respect when people congratulate survivors for 'fighting hard' or 'beating it'...it rubs many people up the wrong way, especially when they've lost someone to cancer - because it implies that cancer victims maybe didn't fight hard enough.

I'm not retyping https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4819974-i-asked-my-parents-to-celebrate-with-me-me-being-five-years-cancer-free?reply=126632263, which rebutts your "it's all down to luck" argument.

because it implies that cancer victims maybe didn't fight hard enough

Some of it is down to luck. A patient being more likely to survive if they engage with treatment, seek medical attention promptly to get symptoms diagnosed, etc, doesn't mean that they are certain to survive. A victim can do everything right and still die because of anything from a treatment simply not existing (yet, RIP DU) to a letter getting lost in the post that causes a treatment delay. Celebrating someone's five year remission anniversary is not the same as blaming a dead person for their death. Anyone who blames a cancer victim for dying needs to give their head a wobble.

Page 7 | I asked my parents to celebrate with me me being five years cancer free | Mumsnet

Five years ago this I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and radiation. I have been well since. This evening I told...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4819974-i-asked-my-parents-to-celebrate-with-me-me-being-five-years-cancer-free?reply=126632263%2C

TidyHomeTidyMind · 04/06/2023 05:16

I lived in a very rural area as a child (not Irish) and my parents would be exactly the same!
Births of children were not celebrated (millions of women manage to push a sprog out every year don't you know!)
1st birthdays, not celebrated (kid won't remember so what's the point)
Any sickness/illness to be kept quiet UNTIL It was one of them suffering - then we pretty much had to inform the national bloody news that they were ill.
Consequently I now celebrate all sorts! My colleagues rib me that I would show up to the opening of an envelope 😆 but why not, we are not our parents and if we want to have some nice times in life, why not?
I hope OP does find someone to do something nice with, even if she just takes her son for afternoon tea!

5YearsLeft · 04/06/2023 05:17

OP, I think you need to really, REALLY consider almost any other living situation for the next few months. As someone else said, a bedsit only needs room for your bed and the baby’s cot. I say this not even jokingly, but as someone who has worked in both cancer care and hospice: living with your parents, as cruel as they sound, is not healthy, and it is especially unhealthy for a new mother and cancer survivor.

Some of the most important factors in life’s transitions (becoming a mother, navigating the time after having had cancer) are support and attitude. No, a positive attitude and all the support in the world sadly cannot guarantee someone’s survival from something like cancer, which can be heartbreaking, but on the other hand, having people be extremely unsupportive and even vile, like your parents, tearing you down so that you are unable to stay positive about ANYTHING, can cause a huge amount of stress, which isn’t healthy for anyone. It doesn’t mean your cancer would return, it won’t make you a bad mother, but it can very easily exacerbate your depression, and cause things like headaches, fatigue, and general pain - when we’re in a horrifically high-stress living situation, our bodies just can’t handle it. And it is true that the last thing any cancer survivor needs is added stress.

Your parents are wrong. They’re wrong about everything. They’re wrong about your screensaver, and they were wrong not to support you when you actually had cancer, and they’re wrong to compare you to your own baby saying that he’s much better than you were. To be honest, it sounds like one of those horrible situations where a mother doesn’t want anything good for a daughter or is jealous of her so tries to constantly tear her down and never supports her.

Please consider leaving as soon as possible.

Sanctimoanius · 04/06/2023 05:26

Your parents’ behaviour is dreadful. I have not read the thread but I hope people are not making endless excuses for them.

However worried they supposedly are, they needed to shut up and support you.

Well done on this amazing milestone. Celebrate with fireworks if you have to. Don’t let them make you doubt yourself or take the joy out of your celebration.

momonpurpose · 04/06/2023 05:27

I am so sorry. You should be proud and celebrate!

Sanctimoanius · 04/06/2023 05:42

Thiswontbepopular · 04/06/2023 00:59

Well as my name suggests this will not be popular, but get over yourself.

Thankfully breast cancer is very well understood and bespoke treatments are in the main effective.
And yes, like you I have had breast cancer, full works treatment ( ongoing adjuvant hormone therapy for another 3 years) but I am not a ‘survivor’ I am just taking the medication and getting on with my life.

Seriously There are so many worse thing to live and deal with when you have access to affordable and safe treatments

Oh aren’t you quite the cool and edgy poster.

You can have a different view of course but saying stuff like ‘get over yourself’ is a shitty thing to do when someone is feeling so distressed and fragile.

Unless of course your own cancer has actually caused you more psychological harm than you realise and causes you to lash out like this.

Btw everyone’s cancer journey is different and everyone copes differently. In case you didn’t know. And sadly, not everyone’s case of breast cancer ends as well as yours and the OP’s. I am surprised you didn’t know that either.

Sanctimoanius · 04/06/2023 05:52

JudgeRudy · 04/06/2023 00:32

I think there's some truth in what your parents have said. You wouldn't for example celebrate surviving a redundancy or losing your home in a fire would you? It was mostly luck that you had cancer and luck you survived. You didn't personally do much. Maybe they feel like youre presenting things as an accomplishment rather than a consequence. Having said that, the words they chose were harsh and I can completely jnderstand you wanting to mark the occasion but maybe you would have been better framing it as counting your blessings/gratitude if you wanted your parents there.
I am kind of surprised you would chose to mark the occasion with them after their previous reactions. Why not celebrate with some friends who are on the same wavelength as you.

‘You didn't personally do much’

People celebrate birthdays. Now that’s really not an achievement for the person being born. Or do you never celebrate any birthdays?

Celebrate means ‘to take part in special enjoyable activities in order to show that a particular occasion is important’ (Cambridge dictionary). That’s what she wants to do. The OP is not asking for a medal or an OBE.

Jourdain11 · 04/06/2023 05:57

Saturday47 · 03/06/2023 22:42

I’m crying my eyes out as I type this. Am I wrong to have the screensaver on my PC at work? It’s a picture of a pink teddy bear, pink ribbons and the word “survivor” on it. It brings me great comfort. When my colleagues look at it do they really think ‘ that one is only looking for sympathy “.

It's not something I'd choose, honestly. Some people don't get the chance to be a "survivor" and it's not some kind of personal failing on their part. I don't love the whole "cancer warrior" rhetoric and it's probably healthy for you to put that part of your life behind you now you've reached 5 years.

DollyParkin · 04/06/2023 05:59

Aww @Saturday47 I'm so sorry for the hurt. YANBU

I have a sister who’s survived a serious bout of breast cancer after a double mastectomy and treatment. She had to face the fact she might have a terminal disease at age 40.

She’s fine now but it’s no small thing, going through what you’ve been through.

We can celebrate you here on this thread, starting with a lovely cold glass of good proper champagne, all yeasty and with those tiny small bubbles. Cheers!

Mothership4two · 04/06/2023 06:04

🍾

Virgo1989 · 04/06/2023 06:07

Huge congratulations on reaching 5 years cancer free OP!

Your parents sound awful - it could be that their way of dealing with your diagnosis has been to go down the super practical 'just get on with it route' because they can't deal with the emotions that it generated in them, but even so you shouldnt have to absorb that. Bin them off and go out for dinner with some supportive friends instead. And don't change your screensaver if it brings you comfort! It's none of their business.

MotorwayDiva · 04/06/2023 06:13

Yadnu, but people are scared of the c word and don't want to be reminded.
I think my parents would celebrate my anniversary of cancer free, but I don't. Part of that is because at the time I just dealt with the practicalities of it all without dealing with feelings over it all, eg a saidni didn't meed macmillan as I was.going to survive this etc
Maybe your parents are similar did they go into practical help and didn't get counselling?
Not saying they shouldn't support you, but trying to offer a different perspective

MintJulia · 04/06/2023 06:20

Ignore your parents OP. They are vile, self-centred and totally lacking in basic humanity.

Well done for surviving your five years. 🍾🍾🍸I'm two years in and unless someone has been through diagnosis, the fear, surgery, chemo (in my case) radiotherapy, they cannot understand just how much it takes to keep going every day.

That you done that without the support of your disgusting parents, and then gone on to have your dc and rebuild your life is fantastic. I admire your strength. Your colleagues, if they know, will feel the same. Most people will.
So celebrate. Eat ice cream. Dance in the sunshine. 😊

Get your new flat, move out as fast as possible. Enjoy every moment.

And I'd cut down contact between your horrible misogynistic parents and your son. That sort of bigotry is toxic and infectious. Let him grow up free of their meanness.

thelittlestkiwi · 04/06/2023 06:26

Cancer brings out the dickhead in many people.

I'm grateful you are well OP. Being thankful for this is the least your family can do. I agree you should distance yourself ASAP.

PopsicleHustler · 04/06/2023 06:30

Happy 5 years on being cancer free.

Sorry about your parents. :( doesn't sound positive and supportive at all. And I dont think your screensaver sounds oh poor me, either.

You did well and you seem like a very nice person !!!!!!

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 04/06/2023 06:34

What a miserable and nasty attitude your parents have. Celebrations are pauses to rejoice in the midst of the struggles of life. You have every reason to celebrate!

georgarina · 04/06/2023 06:50

I think i got the voting wrong - initially picked yabu to invite them because they sound awful! A lot like my parents. Suffered from emotional suppression themselves and have their own issues.

Could you see if there's a local cancer support group you could join and celebrate with them?

I joined some groups after finally accepting I wouldn't get what I needed from family. It's been amazing to now have a tribe to talk to, celebrate with etc.

fUNNYfACE36 · 04/06/2023 06:50

I think your parents deep down fear is that it would be tempting fate .

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/06/2023 06:53

Saturday47 · 03/06/2023 22:30

Five years ago this I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and radiation. I have been well since.

This evening I told my parents that I was five years in the clear and would they go out to lunch with me some day soon to celebrate. I am single, have no partner to celebrate with.
I can’t get over their reaction. They both turned vicious, told me that I was feeling sorry for myself bringing up the whole cancer thing. They also told me that I needed to “ get on with it”. I’d like to stress that I hardly ever talk about my cancer. They then told me that basically so what about me being five years in the clear, it was luck I have survived and to stop saying that I am some sort of a proud survivor. I then told them that I was a proud survivor and that I have a pink ribbon screensaver on my PC at work. My mother flipped altogether when she heard this and told me to change my screensaver immediately because my colleagues are saying “that one has a poor me attitude’. She’s been in a huff for the rest of the evening hardly talking to me at all.

AIBU to ask them to go to lunch with me to celebrate? I’m so upset at their reaction.

That's horrible!

They should be proud of your fight against tis horrible condition and thrilled that you are doing so well. I can't imagine how hurt and distressed this must make you feel.

I don't know you, or where you are, but today I will raise a glass to you and wish you many more years of cancer-free health.

(And ignore what your parents say about your colleagues - I can't imagine that anyone would think that about you.)

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