I asked my parents to celebrate with me me being five years cancer free

[Saturday47]

Five years ago this I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and radiation. I have been well since.

This evening I told my parents that I was five years in the clear and would they go out to lunch with me some day soon to celebrate. I am single, have no partner to celebrate with.
I can’t get over their reaction. They both turned vicious, told me that I was feeling sorry for myself bringing up the whole cancer thing. They also told me that I needed to “ get on with it”. I’d like to stress that I hardly ever talk about my cancer. They then told me that basically so what about me being five years in the clear, it was luck I have survived and to stop saying that I am some sort of a proud survivor. I then told them that I was a proud survivor and that I have a pink ribbon screensaver on my PC at work. My mother flipped altogether when she heard this and told me to change my screensaver immediately because my colleagues are saying “that one has a poor me attitude’. She’s been in a huff for the rest of the evening hardly talking to me at all.

AIBU to ask them to go to lunch with me to celebrate? I’m so upset at their reaction.

Hi, OP —

Congratulations on your DS!

What you’ve said about your depression and your parents’ reaction to it changes things. It is possible that they are traumatised by your cancer — in fact, they surely are — but there is more going on. They don’t seem well, TBH.

You on the other hand are doing everything you can for yourself and your DS. You sound like a fabulous woman.

Bloody hell op not unreasonable at all. It sounds like your parents are terrified of any kind of expression of emotion. Keep doing it your way, you’re alright.

Firstly,congratulations on being cancer free! I had breast cancer in 2017, and mark every year in one way or another, so i completely understand your feelings, and def the 5 year as this was a significant milestone, the guidelines at that time were 5 yrs to stay on meds, so it felt more important. I can assure you, no one at work will think you are looking for sympathy, if they are like mine, they will be in awe of how strong you are to have gone through this. I’m always sharing things on my fb about checking your boobs, world cancer day etc, no one has ever given me the impression that i’m after sympathy, thought i doubt friends would, but tbh i wouldn’t care, i’m proud to be thought of as a survivor, and also if me going on about it saves even one life, then its worth it. I personally kept my diagnosis from my mum, she is elderly, has alzeimers and dementia, and is a widow, and after talking to my family, they agreed that her knowing would affect her ability to carry on each day and have an effect on me, and my family that were having to cope with my diagnosis and treatment, broke my heart as all a girl wants when faced with something like that happens is to have a hug from their mum. Sending you love, a massive hug and best wishes for a happy and healthy future 💞 x

If you're in SW England @Saturday47 I'd gladly meet up with you to celebrate your anniversary! Some people don't deserve kids, your parents sound like those people

@Saturday47

I’ve sold my house at the moment and will be buying a bigger apartment so have no option but to live at home for the next few months.

Sorry to hear how you're being treated by people who are supposed to care for you.

Have you checked if you can afford a one-bed studio apartment in your area whilst you sort out your new home? Or checked with estate agents to see if there any short lets available? If so, and finances allow, that might help get you and your child get out of this toxic environment? 🌹

Are they good people?

Sadly it doesn't sound like it.

My mum would have been the one to suggest lunch, she would have celebrated with me and would have the screensaver at well and told everyone proudly at work that her dd was a survivor.

She's a good person and a good mother.

Have you got a friend you could go to lunch with?

That's awful 😔 you have every right to celebrate, every right to feel, and they have no right treating you so badly. Congratulations on five years, congratulations on your baby!

You poor woman OP.

11 years of therapy?

How much have your awful parents figured in this therapy?

I would be moving away and keeping my precious child safe from their ugliness.

Wishing you well.

Cancer treatment is so gruelling.

5 years free is absolutely wonderful.

Heartfelt congratulations to you.

So they treat your amazing celebration ask not only as unreasonable pity party but demonise you for this also? wow. i am sorry, they sound like a hateful couple who hate their own child and why? plenty of such people in this country

yes, mumsnet, delete my comment

I would be there for you every time you need me if I was your mother and if your father was so horrible, he won't be allowed to even utter a word

This is one of the worst things I’ve seen on here. Congratulations, this is such a milestone. They’re … horrible. You deserve to celebrate.

Five years cancer free and a new baby? This is WONDERFUL (but your parents? Good grief, not so much, how cruel)

Massive congratulations!!! Let's all celebrate you don't need toxic people like this in your life celebrate with all those around you who actually care about you and are kind ! X

How old are they @Saturday47 ? It doesn't excuse their upsetting you, but some of the older generations have a thing about showing emotion or personal triumph in public. If I were you, I would plan yourself a real treat day and not let them dampened your milestone.

YANBU I think part of the hostility could be a trauma response. Like a lot of people don't want to discuss covid or lockdown they pretend it never happened.

The gentlest hugs to you. Please know that YANBU and your parents are not normal. Nobody in their right mind would think twice about your screensaver. Plenty of people wear jewellery related to their survival story - it’s perfectly normal.

I feel that I can relate a little bit to your story. I had a cancer scare in my early 30s. I was lucky enough not to have it but the benign tumour I did have cost me my fertility and left me with lifelong consequences and cosmetic issues. My parents either reacted like it was absolutely nothing (my dad came out of the meeting with the drs where they said I would need a total hysterectomy and there was no time for counselling or egg freezing or whatever, saying how positive it all sounded), or they got hysterical (my mum kept histrionically collapsing into crying fits and saying it was all her fault so that everyone would attend to her instead).

Both of them stayed with me as I recovered and made it clear that I was not to talk about the possibility that I had cancer with them whilst I awaited the results. Once I got the all clear that was it - nobody was to mention any of this again, and if ever I did they just said I should be grateful to be alive and stop dwelling on it. I got no support from them to deal with the fertility issues or being in the menopause at 32.

When they found out I was having counselling, my mum asked whatever for. She too believes that I’ve made up having mental health problems after reading about them in school.

Some parents shouldn’t be parents. Unfortunately the universe doesn’t filter them out and they’re free to have and fuck up as many people as they like with no consequences. I am genuinely sorry as it sounds like you have two of them.

Have your party. You’re not a victim - you’re a survivor. Celebrating what you’ve survived is a way of celebrating yourself, everything you’ve come through and everything you’ve defeated in order to stand in this moment and take on what’s next. Your parents sound miserly. No reason why you should have to be too.

I wish I could give you a hug! Congratulations on your achievement, you’re a goddamn warrior.

It's so selfish of them but yes some people don't want to reminded about terrible times or celebrate it.

WTAF?????? I cannot believe what I have just read! OP, you definitely do not deserve such an awful response from your parents. Not one iota. They sound cruel, utterly vile.

If you have to stay living with them, albeit temporarily, I would be trying to go out as much as possible and distancing myself from them. You have achieved so much by surviving 5 years cancer free and yes, that does deserve a massive celebration.

I wouldn’t try to understand their perspective as it’s unhinged. Just know that you are not the problem here.

Once you have moved out I would go very low contact with your parents, just focus on building your own social life and developing relationships which make your happy.

Good luck, OP.

They sound so hard faced, and horrible.

not wrong to want to celebrate lunch and definitely not wrong to have a screen saver.

have they always been like this through growing up?

I'm sorry your parents are so unsupportive. Their reaction sounds quite extreme, is their any family history of one of them or your grandparents being seriously ill? Perhaps some kind of unresolved trauma related to that. In any case, ignore them and take yourself out for a treat day. Perhaps a spa day with afternoon tea or something where you can relax in your own company. Congratulations both on being cancer free and new baby!

I’m sending you a big hug! You should celebrate it’s such a positive achievement.
I’m sorry your parents don’t have the capability to see this.
Hope you have many more years, cancer free and to celebrate it, with your dear son.
Hope things go well and quickly, so you can move out of your parents house and into a home for you and your dear son.

I really dislike the warrior , battling terminology like a stronger spirit/mind/will beat cancer. It doesn't work like that I agree with your parents it's a luck thing whether the body responds to treatment. Its not cowardly when people decide no more. I think opting for every treatment is brave but also its brave to accept you aren't getting better and the side effects of the treatment outweighs a short increase in lifespan but a worse quality of life. All choices are brave as cancer is horrible

They sound emotionally immature. Some people never develop the skills to handle difficult emotions.

Fear of losing you turns into anger and lashing out. The cancer also reminds them of their own mortality, which they don't want to think about, cue more anger and lashing out.

Be polite acquaintances with them. Talk about your garden and that you fixed the driveway, and inconsequential things. Find real friends to share your heart with, because your parents can't give you what you need.

I'm so sorry! They were awful. Their reaction was outrageous.

Congratulations of being 5 years clear!!

You're amazing OP, and massive congratulations on your 5 years.
I'm in Belfast so a little far maybe for the celebration but let us know when you do it, and even if we can't all be there in person you'll have an army of MN women here celebrating with you in spirit