I asked my parents to celebrate with me me being five years cancer free

[Saturday47]

Five years ago this I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and radiation. I have been well since.

This evening I told my parents that I was five years in the clear and would they go out to lunch with me some day soon to celebrate. I am single, have no partner to celebrate with.
I can’t get over their reaction. They both turned vicious, told me that I was feeling sorry for myself bringing up the whole cancer thing. They also told me that I needed to “ get on with it”. I’d like to stress that I hardly ever talk about my cancer. They then told me that basically so what about me being five years in the clear, it was luck I have survived and to stop saying that I am some sort of a proud survivor. I then told them that I was a proud survivor and that I have a pink ribbon screensaver on my PC at work. My mother flipped altogether when she heard this and told me to change my screensaver immediately because my colleagues are saying “that one has a poor me attitude’. She’s been in a huff for the rest of the evening hardly talking to me at all.

AIBU to ask them to go to lunch with me to celebrate? I’m so upset at their reaction.

Oh OP when I read you cried looking at your scars, you brought a lump to my throat. My hubby had cancer and passed in 2012 within a year of diagnosis. CELEBRATE your 5 year anniversary and shout it from the rooftop if you want. Congratulations OP and keep celebrating every year. You can be disappointed but do not let your parents' attitude bring you down. You are ALIVE and well and that's what matters. Sending lots of love and continued healing. X

I’d come and have a big party with you. Both my friend and mum got diagnosed within months of each other a few years ago and you betcha we are going to celebrate the 5 year mark. I hope you have some great friends you can ask and have a great time. Your parents maybe just want to pretend it never happened but having seen how awful the treatments can be you are a warrior. X

Wow, that’s just nasty. Please know this is about them, not you. You don’t deserve this. Their reaction is not normal. Do you think your mum might be a narcissist and jealous of the “attention” she feels having cancer gets?

I would honestly distance myself from them, go low contact. Lower your expectations regarding your parents because sadly I don’t think you will ever get the support from them you deserve. Build a network of friends or other family members and concentrate on them.

Congratulations on 5 years and your lovely baby

I agree with @margotsdevil about the screensaver

Congrats on 5 years. Your parents reaction was vile.

Sorry OP I know they are your parents -- what absolute cu-nt bags.

Congratulations on five years of being cancer free! 🎉

I don't think it's appropriate for anyone to police your feelings or how you expensive your cancer and recovery. It's your experience and your feelings about it are valid. Your parents don't have to agree with how you express them, but if they were supportive they would offer you support not judgement.

Why are you still in contact with them? It doesn't sound that they bring anything positive to your life and they are cruel.

When is your 5 years OP? I will be happy to raise a glass for you. They are horrible. Fuck them and celebrate. When you move you should 100% be either cutting them off or going lc with them. My son has his 10 years next year and I truly can't understand how parents can act like this and still call themselves parents.

With parents like I'm not surprised you've had depression.

Once you have moved out massively cut down on contact with them and invest in finding and nurturing positive friendships.

Congratulations on 5 years cancer free, so many don't make it and it is worthy of celebrating 🥳

I'm from a Catholic family (I am not Catholic) and I remember the shame of cancer that was prevalent in the family back in the 80s. Actual words were never spoken: cancer, mastectomy etc. When my own Mum was diagnosed we worked hard to normalise the process for her and to her credit she went with it and in turn removed any shame or fear of it for my own daughter - letting her see her without her wig etc. There were no whispers in corners as there had been in her past.

We're not a ringing the bell/displaying the pink ribbon kind of family as we get our comfort from being stoic and through dark humour! I absolutely support anyone else's way of dealing with the process though. One of my best friends drinks from her pink ribbon cup and celebrates her yearly milestones and I applaud her.

I am raising a coffee here to your 5 years. Shame on your family.

@Merangutan I'm kinda with you. I'll be 3 years clear soon - my friend who was diagnosed not long after me as stage 4 and palliative chemo didn't "fight" any less harder than I had to.

Tbh I didn't fight cancer. I just had my chemo and radiotherapy therapy and the outcome was the outcome. Luck of the draw.

But to OP congratulations on your 5 years and if you want a lunch out to celebrate, then you should have one.

Take a cake/ donuts into work and celebrate. 5 years cancer free is a big milestone and one you should celebrate and other will want to celebrate with you.

Language around cancer treatment is tricky because there is the implication of people not fighting enough (which is never the case). But that doesn’t mean you didn’t go through a traumatic and difficult time that needs acknowledging.

Please don’t move in with your parents - it will be so damaging for you. Find any other alternative.

Your parents are poison.

I'm not suprised you've suffered depression with such awful people raising you.

Once you are out of their home I would seriously consider going LC. They are not people I would want around my child. I'm sure they will have no hesitation in being vile about you in front of your son. For his sake you need to spare him that emotional damage.

I'm so sorry you've been so unsupported by them. Your thread makes me feel so sad for you.

No, they think you're a freaking champ!

Congratulations OP.

I lost a few friends to breast cancer and have a few still around who survived.

I would have remembered and taken you out. Call your cousin, they'll go out with you.

Just one thing to bear in mind, I don't kniw your parents, but they sound like they may be traumatised by the cancer and now just want to forget it. Could that be the case? If it might be talk to them. Tell them how upset you are about their attitude towards cancer, like you asked to get it.
Alternatively dothrey blame youfior loads of other things that aren't under your control? If so, they're toxic. Pls keep your distance.

Sending you flowers x

Are you an only child op? Congratulations on being cancer free.

I hate the brave the shave campaign you do just get on with it.....but all the op wants to do is celebrate being here .....or raise a glass.
You don't know how strong the op was with her treatment as everyone's treatment is different as are everyone's living circumstances.

I'm about to reach my ten year milestone and I can absolutely identify with your need to celebrate. Your parents are awful.
Of course it's luck - a friend who was diagnosed at the same time as me with the same time of cancer died two years ago.

For what it's worth I would not be offended by your screensaver. My mother died of cancer (not bc) and she could have had all the digital images she wanted. Your parents are cold fish in my opinion and will not help your mental health. You have your new baby, are cancer free and deserve better.
They need to stop being so selfish and support you. Have you are group of girlfriends you could go to lunch with? You need to build a network. I make it a challenge to add a new friend to my circle every year. Hospitals usually have a bc survivor support network. If not pick a hobby, meet new people. Get a dog?
My mother wasn't fabulous but she would have treated me better than yours. Demand respect and plan your new house as a place of peace and love.

I agree with some of the language re being a survivor.

My friend wasn't-but not through lack of trying!

I take the view that regarding this people can call themselves what they want!

Even if they didn't think it was something to celebrate your parents didn't have to be so downright nasty.

I hope you get away from them soon & have little/nothing to do with them.

Your child doesn't need to grow up with this toxic shit!

I sincerely hope you never, ever give them anything for their birthdays again. After all, it was 'just luck' that they happened to be born.

5 years cancer-free is incredible, congratulations!

As for the screensaver- keep the damn thing. Only the meanest-minded people would object to that, imo.

Congratulations to your 5 year milestone.

I have a colleague who is around 10 years BC free. I wouldn't think she is asking for sympathy or anything, I would remember how bad it was for her and how much she overcame over the years.

I also have family we lost to cancer, I know of colleagues who lost sibling/parents to cancer. Yes, it's hard but I find it is worth celebrating. everyone who managed to survive.

@Supersimkin2
I have colleagues with photos of their children as screensavers, pets and pictures from amazing holidays.
We all have things we can't do or will never have for a variety of reasons but others have and can do. I also think how often my screensaver actually is visiable, it's set to go dark after just a couple of minutes anyway.

I'd absolutely support a friend or family member who wanted to mark this, I'd be excited to do it with them, congratulations OP, but I might be inclined to agree with your mother over the colleague/screensaver thing.

It's not something I'd want to be drawing attention to everyday at work. I doubt I'd say it out loud, if I felt it was necessary I'd hope I'd do it kindly, but it will be colouring (some) colleagues view of you. Also just for your own career benefit, why would you want to draw attention to health issues?

🥂🎉 Congratulations on your good news. They are awful, reacting like that.
No matter how worried they may have been.
My niece has just had her five year all clear, she rang the ‘I’ve kicked cancers ass’ in the hospital, we all cheered. So dd my beloved sister, three times but she sadly didn’t ever reach the five years clear mark.
I’d have drink with you. Walk tall op and keep well.

I also agree about the screensaver and it's not "mean-minded", it's that it has potential to upset others. People don't die from cancer because they're not brave enough, nor because they don't fight hard enough.

You are incredible! Congratulations!

Keep the screensaver and do something to celebrate!

Your parents are vile. Of course it's an achievement. Every single day getting rid of it is an achievement!