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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I asked my parents to celebrate with me me being five years cancer free

291 replies

Saturday47 · 03/06/2023 22:30

Five years ago this I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and radiation. I have been well since.

This evening I told my parents that I was five years in the clear and would they go out to lunch with me some day soon to celebrate. I am single, have no partner to celebrate with.
I can’t get over their reaction. They both turned vicious, told me that I was feeling sorry for myself bringing up the whole cancer thing. They also told me that I needed to “ get on with it”. I’d like to stress that I hardly ever talk about my cancer. They then told me that basically so what about me being five years in the clear, it was luck I have survived and to stop saying that I am some sort of a proud survivor. I then told them that I was a proud survivor and that I have a pink ribbon screensaver on my PC at work. My mother flipped altogether when she heard this and told me to change my screensaver immediately because my colleagues are saying “that one has a poor me attitude’. She’s been in a huff for the rest of the evening hardly talking to me at all.

AIBU to ask them to go to lunch with me to celebrate? I’m so upset at their reaction.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/06/2023 22:32

Are they always this awful?

Do you have any friends who would celebrate with you?

Cherchezlafemme77 · 03/06/2023 22:32

That's really shitty, I'm so sorry. Could it be that they were/are terrified of losing you and their fear is manifesting as unreasonable anger?

Congratulations on your 5 years!! 💐🎉❤

Americano75 · 03/06/2023 22:34

I can only assume that watching you go through this was so traumatic that they just want to forget it ever happened?

Original poster
Saturday47 · 03/06/2023 22:34

To be honest they are. Were they right though to react like that ? I took a bath before bed and cried my eyes out,
looking at my mastectomy scars.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 03/06/2023 22:35

Congratulations on making it to five years free! If DH had made it to that milestone we would've had a celebration so I don't think you are wrong to want to mark the occasion.

Nongatron · 03/06/2023 22:35

I’m so sorry that’s awful. If you lived near me I’d celebrate with you ( fellow breast cancer survivor here) Congratulations on reaching 5 years 🥳 Sorry your parents were so horrible

Feliciacat · 03/06/2023 22:36

Bin your parents. From what you say, it seems like they don’t want you to have any pride or self belief. It is an achievement to have survived cancer and five years in the clear is a big cause for celebration. Congratulations.

It almost sounds like your Mum feels threatened by you having something to celebrate; is she like this with your other achievements? How does your Mum know what your coworkers are saying? I think it sounds like she’s trying to make you doubt your actions and to not trust others. This is very manipulative behaviour.

StartupRepair · 03/06/2023 22:36

Congratulations on your 5 years! A huge and important milestone.

Americano75 · 03/06/2023 22:37

Saturday47 · 03/06/2023 22:34

To be honest they are. Were they right though to react like that ? I took a bath before bed and cried my eyes out,
looking at my mastectomy scars.

No. It doesn't make it all right at all. It's totally understandable your wanting to celebrate this amazing milestone but they're probably scared they're tempting fate.

Okshacky · 03/06/2023 22:37

They’re being horrid. Find friends and build a fortress. I’d be so happy for you.

MelonsOnSaleAgain · 03/06/2023 22:37

Of course you’re not unreasonable. I’m so sorry they reacted that way.

congratulations on your 5 years xxx

Gtsr443 · 03/06/2023 22:37

Jesus OP that is bloody awful.

I had BC and double mastectomy too. I'm so sorry they're behaving in such an unsupportive way. Ignore them.
Try to arrange a fabulous treat for yourself without them. And don't bother to involve them in your business again.

Congrats on your 5 years. It is a very important milestone. I'm up to 15 years now. Best of luck.

SummerSimmer · 03/06/2023 22:37

I think everyone is different, and try not to think about my cancer as I don’t want to jinx it returning.

Original poster
Saturday47 · 03/06/2023 22:37

They were like this since the time I was diagnosed. My cousin visited me before my surgery he said I was great and my mum said ‘ well she has no option other than to get on with it.”

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 03/06/2023 22:37

God OP I'm not surprised you're upset.
You would think they would love to celebrate this with you.

Are they normally this callous?

Congratulations on being 5 years cancer free I can totally understand why you would want to celebrate with those closest to you.

SirenSays · 03/06/2023 22:38

🥳🥳🥳🥳 I'd celebrate with you OP 🎉🎉🎉🎉
it must be terrifying to have your child diagnosed with cancer but imo that's even more reason for them to celebrate with you. I hope you celebrate with some friends. Try not to let them get you down!

LookItsMeAgain · 03/06/2023 22:38

That's a terrible reaction. If you're in Dublin, I'll meet you and celebrate with you!

Tulipvase · 03/06/2023 22:38

my sister was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I can’t imagine being so unsupportive.

I would absolutely go for lunch with you.

Veryverycalmnow · 03/06/2023 22:39

Their feelings got in the way- maybe they're still really traumatised by it and want to forget, but of course their reaction was upsetting. I hope you're ok. Congratulations on 5 years.

Knnniggets · 03/06/2023 22:40

I would celebrate that with you and I don’t even know you. That’s really horrible of your parents and shame on them.

Many congratulations to you for reaching this milestone.

Supersimkin2 · 03/06/2023 22:40

Foul.

But lose the screensaver after the anniversary - not everyone needs reminding that most people survive most cancers, if they’re involved with someone who isnt. You’re at work.

Moonshine5 · 03/06/2023 22:41

Congratulations.
I'm sorry you're parents are treating you like this. You deserve do much more. Start making action plans to leave them and then go LC. They won't change, you do you.

Americano75 · 03/06/2023 22:41

If they behave like this every time you have cause to celebrate then that's dickish. If it's just around the subject of your cancer then that's different.

I had a mastectomy in 2018 because I had DCIS, my family could not have been more supportive but it's still a period they don't like to think about, let alone talk about.

Original poster
Saturday47 · 03/06/2023 22:42

I’m crying my eyes out as I type this. Am I wrong to have the screensaver on my PC at work? It’s a picture of a pink teddy bear, pink ribbons and the word “survivor” on it. It brings me great comfort. When my colleagues look at it do they really think ‘ that one is only looking for sympathy “.

OP posts:
ThreeCoursesForMe · 03/06/2023 22:42

Op I'll celebrate with you, genuinely. I'm sure a lot of people on mumsnet would too. There's some amazing support groups out there for strangers meeting you and doing amazing things - if you're near London / Manc / York look at These Girls Run. Women running together who are otherwise strangers and a good place to start in making friends at a place where you're expected to be a stranger to start with. It might not lead to you celebrating this amazing milestone directly but will get you around all round better people. Theres other groups just like this, this is just an example. Sod your parents, they sound horrific but there's people out there who are far nicer and would never dream of talking to you in that way x