I asked my parents to celebrate with me me being five years cancer free

[Saturday47]

Five years ago this I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and radiation. I have been well since.

This evening I told my parents that I was five years in the clear and would they go out to lunch with me some day soon to celebrate. I am single, have no partner to celebrate with.
I can’t get over their reaction. They both turned vicious, told me that I was feeling sorry for myself bringing up the whole cancer thing. They also told me that I needed to “ get on with it”. I’d like to stress that I hardly ever talk about my cancer. They then told me that basically so what about me being five years in the clear, it was luck I have survived and to stop saying that I am some sort of a proud survivor. I then told them that I was a proud survivor and that I have a pink ribbon screensaver on my PC at work. My mother flipped altogether when she heard this and told me to change my screensaver immediately because my colleagues are saying “that one has a poor me attitude’. She’s been in a huff for the rest of the evening hardly talking to me at all.

AIBU to ask them to go to lunch with me to celebrate? I’m so upset at their reaction.

The only thing I find unreasonable would be if you still wanted them to go. Sorry you’re stuck with them.

I'd tell them it's a bloody good job their personality hasn't been passed down.

Another breast cancer survivor here. If I was celebrating 5 years with no reoccurrence I'd expect people to be happy for me. Especially a parent. Jeez, cancer is a killer, they could have lost you and they can't even be thankful. No wonder you have depression. Learn to grey rock with them OP, give nothing of yourself as it seems they like to go on the attack, your mum sounds pretty disturbed to me, her reactions aren't those of a mother or even someone with a bit of empathy.

You sound like an incredible person, OP.

Distance yourself and your son from your parents asap. Protect yourself and him.

I bet you will find your mental health improves massively.

Wishing you and your baby the best life, like you both deserve

I’d get in my car and drive home. This is terrible — this is the kind of interaction that will affect you for a long time. You deserve your family to treat you better. Let them rant angrily behind their door while you find somewhere more enjoyable to spend your time.

You didn't personally do much

Apart from breast self-checking and organising GP appointment after finding a lump and/or attending mammograms that detected the cancer, going to the chemotherapy, going to the radiotherapy, having to read up on the specific type of breast cancer, having to read up on the treatment options and side effects, having to organise care for any children or pets during her surgery and recovery, having to alter her whole life for months whilst this went on...

The patient's attitude and level of engagement with treatment after diagnosis has an enormous influence on whether the patient survives. The patient's engagement with preventative health care has an enormous influence on how early the cancer is detected, which also has an enormous influence on whether the patient survives. So, actually, surviving to five years is an accomplishment.

People celebrate their birthday every year, celebrate winning the lottery, etc.

Get yourself and your child away from these fucking unhinged people. Get out and do not look back. Jesus Christ.
congratulations for getting to
five years cancer free x x

Gosh that’s really callous of them. I don’t think it sounds like they’re traumatised, it sounds like they’re minimising the whole experience.

I am currently going through chemo and tbh I’m staying away from my mother because she isn’t capable of giving me what I need. I need people to be positive and optimistic and she is the most pessimistic person you can imagine. She is guaranteed to say something that will upset me.

I have found some people to behave quite oddly during this experience. Some of my closest friends have drifted away, they just don’t seem to want to be involved. I think there is a lot of fear as nobody wants to imagine it will happen to them, so they want to pretend it’s not happening.

Anyone who has had cancer knows what a milestone 5 years is. Of course you should celebrate if that is what you want. I hope you have some friends that you can invite instead. I’m sorry about your parents.

just don't take a pregnancy test til you've missed 4 or 5 periods and sure it will save any fuss next time!

How are you meant to get your twelve week scan if you do that? What is wrong with these people?

Well as my name suggests this will not be popular, but get over yourself.

Thankfully breast cancer is very well understood and bespoke treatments are in the main effective.
And yes, like you I have had breast cancer, full works treatment ( ongoing adjuvant hormone therapy for another 3 years) but I am not a ‘survivor’ I am just taking the medication and getting on with my life.

Seriously There are so many worse thing to live and deal with when you have access to affordable and safe treatments

I'm sending celebrations to you OP 🎊

It's good to celebrate things, life can be monotonous at times so it's good to have happy occasions.

One of my best friends has been cancer free for a few years now, if he wanted to celebrate I'd be more than happy to. Your parents reaction was strange, it isn't like you wanted to sit around complaining. You wanted something nice and positive.

And in case any is wondering,Yes, I passed the 5 year mark without needing any celebration.

Nothing wrong with celebrating 5 years cancer free- go forth and celebrate!

You and I would get on in RL.

You are more than welcome to feel the way you do about your experience of breast cancer. It's your experience. The OP likewise has the right to feel the way she does about her experience of breast cancer.

Were your parents supportive of you during your treatment? If so, can you perhaps see that in that respect you had an easier ride than OP?

Despite advances in treatment, https://www.breastcanceruk.org.uk/about-breast-cancer/facts-figures-and-qas/facts-and-figures/ breast cancer remains the second biggest cause of death for British women]. The reliable treatment options by no means ensure that survival is a given.

I think this is a really good comment. I thought it initially, but as I read your post further, that thought disappeared, however, this is the most rational reason.

Now that you are well, they may not want to go through what they went through initially. It's totally a selfish reaction, but an understandable one for some.

I think you are really brave, and should celebrate your 5 years. I hope you do it by saying 'fuck you cancer'. My mum wasn't a survivor, but she was a fucking fighter, and I'm so glad you are a survivor.

I don't agree with their reaction at all, however strangely enough when my Mum wanted to plan something for being 5 years cancer free my Dad said it was really weird and morbid that she wanted to celebrate it. So it must be a strange reaction some loved ones have!

Despite advances in treatment, breast cancer remains the second biggest cause of death for British women. The reliable treatment options by no means ensure that survival is a given.

The more reliable treatment options still by no means ensure that survival is a given.

Can you talk with the cousin who came to visit you before?

@Saturday47

Congratulations on your 5 year anniversary! You deserve to celebrate it and to truly enjoy your survival. DH and I celebrate every year of being him cancer free (2 so far) and when he reaches five years, it will be a big bash.

Congratulations also on dealing with your MH issues. So many people sweep them under the rug or put off treatment simply because of the 'stigma' attached to MH issues.

You are brave. You are strong. You are worthy.

I can't imagine anything that would make two people be so vicious and ugly to someone they purport to love. TBH, I'd be asking myself if they serve any positive purpose in my life. I get that you're having to 'tolerate' it now because you are in the midst of moving. But once you get settled I think you need to think carefully and talk to your therapist about whether or not they are truly good for your mental health and what you should do if they are not.. Because if they are not good for you, they are not good for your child.

Rural Irish parents here too! I fully get you. They are minimising your issues as they were probably brought up that way not to be talking about yourself too much and other people's feelings or response seem to matter more to them. It is a kind of emotional neglect of your feelings. I had to step back a bit from mine. And have had breast cancer with treatment too. You go and acknowledge with other family and friends that you are here 5 years later and celebrate your life. 🤗

I read the first post and thought WTF? Having read on, your parents sound toxic OP. It is a shame you have to stay with them at the moment, because in your shoes I would be putting as much space between you as possible.

I have seen people belittle or ridicule others when there has been something that makes them extremely uncomfortable. However, to suggest that you are in some way 'bragging' for recovering from a serious illness is pretty odd and very unkind.

Being cancer free is obviously something that is still very significant to you OP, so go ahead and mark it however you wish.

Congratulations on 5 years OP!! I’m so sorry to hear how unsupportive and lacking in understanding/empathy your parents are. Sounds really hard. I hope you are able to do something to mark this milestone in some other way ❤

I think there's some truth in what your parents have said. You wouldn't for example celebrate surviving a redundancy or losing your home in a fire would you? It was mostly luck that you had cancer and luck you survived

Your parents' reaction sounds callous and way OTT...but I do agree with this poster about there being a grain of truth in what they've said.

I absolutely understand raising a glass after 5 years and feeling thankful, ecstatic etc. It IS a milestone to be celebrated and one to feel grateful for.

But attaching 'pride' to cancer survival has always struck me as odd. Because it is just down to pure luck. Nothing you personally did gave you cancer and nothing you did caused it to go.

Saying you're proud of something infers that it's an achievement of yours when it really is just pure, pure good luck that your cancer responded to treatment when many others' didn't.

In a similar respect when people congratulate survivors for 'fighting hard' or 'beating it'...it rubs many people up the wrong way, especially when they've lost someone to cancer - because it implies that cancer victims maybe didn't fight hard enough.