I asked my parents to celebrate with me me being five years cancer free

[Saturday47]

Five years ago this I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and radiation. I have been well since.

This evening I told my parents that I was five years in the clear and would they go out to lunch with me some day soon to celebrate. I am single, have no partner to celebrate with.
I can’t get over their reaction. They both turned vicious, told me that I was feeling sorry for myself bringing up the whole cancer thing. They also told me that I needed to “ get on with it”. I’d like to stress that I hardly ever talk about my cancer. They then told me that basically so what about me being five years in the clear, it was luck I have survived and to stop saying that I am some sort of a proud survivor. I then told them that I was a proud survivor and that I have a pink ribbon screensaver on my PC at work. My mother flipped altogether when she heard this and told me to change my screensaver immediately because my colleagues are saying “that one has a poor me attitude’. She’s been in a huff for the rest of the evening hardly talking to me at all.

AIBU to ask them to go to lunch with me to celebrate? I’m so upset at their reaction.

Congratulations on your 5 years. I am raising a glass to you.🍾

Your parents' reaction is just nasty. I don't understand how they can possibly think that way.

A very odd reaction from your parents!

But the whole survivor, fight, war narrative does annoy some people - there's many nasty, life threatening diseases out there but only cancer has that whole warrior narrative from what of a better description, people who have survived other conditions or have chronic diseases that are life limiting can get a bit annoyed by things like a screen saver, just be aware (we don't know your colleagues situation obviously)

Honestly, their behaviour has been so appalling I wouldn't be able to stay there, especially if you sense they're bitching about you downstairs. Why not leave, OP? Do you have somewhere else you can go, someone more supportive you can go and see? Let your parents stew in their own juices until they're ready to apologise.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with your screensaver. Nor with calling yourself a survivor.

I just raised a glass to you OP. Congrats. Keep the screen saver at work. My parents (who both died of cancer) would have reacted a bit like this had I been in your situation. It’s their upbringing and world view and it’s shitty,

Congratulations on your milestone 🎉 I’m so sorry your parents reacted like that. My parents are no good with health issues either (I’ve had some odd l/ unempathetic/ nasty reactions from them to MH issues, miscarriage etc over the years) and I have reduced my expectations of them over the years. You were absolutely not unreasonable to want to celebrate. Do you have some good friends you can celebrate with instead?

My Mum gets like this too. A dark look comes over her and she goes on raging rants. I think she has an alcohol problem but also a personality disorder (probably, who am I to know). Maybe your Mum has something ‘different’ about her.

This doesn’t make your Mum ‘bad’ per se but it may mean she can’t change her poor behaviour. You need to think about whether you can take that for the rest of her life or not.

When I was given my end of treatment stats talk I was told 5 years for me meant my odds of getting BC again was the same as anyone who had never had it. Although I didn't party it did mark a big change in my level of anxiety and now I rarely think about it.

Congratulations on your five years!

F that horrid pair. Don’t let them grind you down.

Now get yourself a bottle of fizz and toast yourself and your doctors. Then book yourself a lovely spa day with a delicious meal because you’re worth it.

I'm so sorry OP. You are a true warrior and fighter, you deserve to be celebrated and shown love and support. I think if I lived near you, I'd take you out for a huge lunch with an amazing cream tea, then a lovely wander around my area in Norwich.

I have had some similar responses to my health problems from some people, including my best friend and occasionally my family. My health issues are more neurological and I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome, then got a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia from an off label antipsychotic prescribed after, and my best friend I looked to for support (after my symptoms went a bit mad 3 years ago when I'd had my 3rd pregnancy) sent me a Christmas card telling me that "she didn't have time for my problems". So I was basically left to be struggling hugely with post natal hormones, depression, and horrendous involuntary movements, and she had no time for me. My family gave me more support but I don't always have a huge offering of sympathy from them as I know my mum is very much a 'get on with it' type of person.
I understand and hear you. Sending hugs and huge love ❤

Congratulations on reaching the 5 year mark and being discharged. I had my 5 year appointment and discharge meeting yesterday. I just wanted to offer a counter view. For me, each appointment since I completed treatment 5years ago has been clear, so I had no reason to think that this one would have been any different.

it was a slightly surreal feeling to hear the words, given that the saga began nearly 6 years ago, and also strange to think that I wouldn’t be receiving any more appointment letters, and I had a quiet moment of feeling moved which did surprise me a bit.

in my head, the cancer treatment was done and dusted 5 years ago and was successful, and each subsequent visit only confirmed that, so I didn’t feel that this visit was itself a momentous one. But this is just my personal view of my own journey.

@Saturday47
Congratulations on your survival. You experienced something frightening and survived. Your parents also experienced something horrible and may not have survived as well.

As a parent watching your child (of any age) suffer produces an unimaginable feeling of fear and helplessness. You would gladly change places with your child , but you can't.

For you it is a time to celebrate your survival, but for them it may be a reminder of how impotent and helpless you can be when witnessing your child's suffering.

Celebrate with your friends, but never doubt for a moment that your parents are grateful for your survival.

Well, what if you do? If I had a colleague who’d been through what you’ve been through, I’d pat them on the back every day if they wanted. And I’d take you out to lunch every bloody week. Have a virtual hug, OP.

🎉🎉🎉🎉 congratulations.

if it helps - I have a friend who is remission and has really bad health anxiety.

stories like yours give her hope.

please keep the screensaver.

@Saturday47 congratulations you absolute rockstar who has smashed having cancer and IS and incredible survivor!

If you're ever around the North West give me a shout, I'll also take you for lunch.🍾

Your parents are obviously lacking in empathy here.
I have scars from life saving surgery and even though its absolutely nothing like a double mastectomy, like not even remotely as awful to go through, it's still difficult to look at them without feeling a bit sad. The fact you've been through this and are staying positive with how you have been so strong says so much about you and it looks like everyone on here is proud of you!

Maybe they're still frightened and want to forget the whole thing, many parents can't cope with their kids trauma or maybe they're just awful, either way, their behaviour is no reflection on you and you are amazing! 💐

🖕🏻🦀 (fuck cancer, in emoji style!)

There’s something else that I need to tell you. I have recently told them that I have being seeing a psychiatrist for 11 years, knowing what they are like I hid it from them, I did this because they weren’t supportive about my depression in the past. I had a little boy a few months ago ( embryo donation no partner ). Got full medical clearance to go ahead. I was feeling down a few weeks after the birth and it all came out. My mother screamed “ I don’t want to hear anything about your ( curse word ) mental health “ . They both absolutely exploded ( tonight was mild compared to it ) They told me they don’t believe I have depression at all. They never mention my depression.

Congratulations on your 5 years clear 👏 🥳

Your parents are awful, I really wonder why you're still in contact with them? Have you talked about them with your psychiatrist at all? Did s/he give you any guidance as to how to deal with them?

Congratulations to you, they are not nice.
Having said that, I've had breast cancer and a mastectomy and I had to think long and hard to work out when the 5 years would be up for me. I don't find it helpful to dwell on it but we're all different. I also hate the "warrior" and "doing battle" type sentiments.

Right, so they’re also unsupportive about that? Sounds pretty bad to me! As a PP asked; have you spoken to your psychiatrist about your parents?

Your parents sound bloody awful. Congratulations on your anniversary and take yourself out for a nice lunch.

The screensaver at work I would drop once the anniversary has passed. It’s quite a lot emotionally for the work place, and as people have difficult experiences with cancer something like that could be quite challenging. Perhaps something smaller on your desk that would still bring you comfort?

Yes he knows what they are like. My mother also told me that I’m basically faking it ( as my way of punishing her ) as depression is genetic and it doesn’t run in the family.

Congratulations on your little boy. <3 From the sounds of it, he will grow up with a much kinder mother than you have had. I'm so sorry that she treats you this way.

I could hear them!!!

Im so sorry OP.

it’s this bloody Irish obsession about not “showing off” (like wtf it’s cancer) or making a holy show of yourself (you’re not!!).

My (Irish) aunt said about my Irish mum (her SIL) when she got cancer “ah now that will be the badness coming out of you”. I mean …

I'm going to be awfully harsh , so I apologise in advance. However you need to hear this.

They do not see you as their daughter, a human being with independence and autonomy, with her own wants,needs,feelings etc. You are an investment/ possession. In their eyes you're "malfunctioning " (and you're doing so publicly) so their temper tantrums are the equivalent of hitting the remote until it works "properly " again. You're not allowed to struggle, because it reflects badly on them. You're not allowed to talk about it , because it reflects badly on them. You're supposed to be perfect and function and sit there prettily like a perfect doll In it's pristine box. No blemishes,no grubby fingerprints,no imperfections,no humanity.

They will never be the parents you need, nevermind the parents you want.

Surround yourself with friends and supportive people,find your tribe because they'll never be there for you the way you want/need them to. If they are, it'll only be when you behave/are that soulless , dead behind the eyes doll, and darling you deserve better than that. You are better than that.

Congratulations on your 5 year cancer free!
You are an adult and a survivor...u don't need anyones permission to have a pink ribbon or a screensaver! It personally wouldn't bother me seeing a workmate with that.. iv lost alot of close family members to cancer and to see someone come out the other side would make me so happy!!!
I think ur parents reaction is possibly a generation thing....like back in the days when cancer was whispered about,not talked about and certainly not celebrated in any shape or form... my mum is a lovely woman but Still has the audacity to say things like oh a miscarriage isn't a baby just a late period....to me...I had 5 losses in 2 years....she's not being purposefully nasty it's just her mind set....and the best ever was...just don't take a pregnancy test til you've missed 4 or 5 periods and sure it will save any fuss next time! I just switch off now when she starts her shit opinions about things and not take it too personally....
I'd just avoid involving your parents in any future celebrations/anniversary as they haven't a clue what you've been through!! At this stage they never will!
just know that people on here that don't even know you are fucking delighted for you!!!
You are a survivor, and I'm raising my glass to you tonight!!! Well done ,heres to the next 5 years!! Xx

How are they with your baby? Do they have a kind side at all?

How far do you live from them? Not sure I'd be rushing to visit again soon.