I asked my parents to celebrate with me me being five years cancer free

[Saturday47]

Five years ago this I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and radiation. I have been well since.

This evening I told my parents that I was five years in the clear and would they go out to lunch with me some day soon to celebrate. I am single, have no partner to celebrate with.
I can’t get over their reaction. They both turned vicious, told me that I was feeling sorry for myself bringing up the whole cancer thing. They also told me that I needed to “ get on with it”. I’d like to stress that I hardly ever talk about my cancer. They then told me that basically so what about me being five years in the clear, it was luck I have survived and to stop saying that I am some sort of a proud survivor. I then told them that I was a proud survivor and that I have a pink ribbon screensaver on my PC at work. My mother flipped altogether when she heard this and told me to change my screensaver immediately because my colleagues are saying “that one has a poor me attitude’. She’s been in a huff for the rest of the evening hardly talking to me at all.

AIBU to ask them to go to lunch with me to celebrate? I’m so upset at their reaction.

I guess my question to your mum would be "Is there anything invalid about your daughter wanting that?" (Spoiler: No, there isn't.)

You have really suffered. You've endured a very hard and scary experience that most people never have to deal with, and now, having come through it, you would like to celebrate the fact that that time is now over. Looking back on past hard times and loss and recognising that you are in a different place now is part of processing traumatic experiences and moving on.

There is nothing wrong with hoping that the people who are part of your everyday life (friends, colleagues, family) will recognise the reality of what you've been through and empathise with it. And most people will not think negatively about that at all.

Often people who get defensive or aggressive about others hoping for empathy (like your mother does) actually feel that they have never received enough care and empathy for the hurts they have suffered in life, so resent anyone else getting any. This is called a 'victim mindset'. (You do not appear to suffer from a victim mindset, BTW.)

It’s a picture of a pink teddy bear, pink ribbons and the word “survivor” on it. It brings me great comfort. When my colleagues look at it do they really think ‘that one is only looking for sympathy'

I think it says a lot that you have done something that is a regular form of comfort to yourself. It sounds like you have recognised you won't get comfort from the people who you might ordinarily expect to provide it, so you have created a way to provide it for yourself.

You should be proud of yourself and your own strength. I'm on the other side of the world from you, but will think of you while I'm eating my lunch and cheer your survival.

Your parents are toxic and abusive. There is no understanding people like this and no reasoning with them either. They are incapable of seeing anything other than their own point of view. Cut them out of your life, they’re no doubt the reason you’ve needed help with your mental health. Do your child a favour and protect them from the same experience you’ve had with them. They’re vile.

Theyre all over him saying what a good baby is I asked my mum sure wasn’t I a good baby/ little girl as well and she said oh you were nothing compared to him.

I’ve sold my house at the moment and will be buying a bigger apartment so have no option but to live at home for the next few months.

What a horrible reaction.

CONGRATULATIONS on beating this horrible disease.

Congratulations on a massive milestone OP, another one here to help you celebrate. And congrats on your little boy too. I'm so sorry your parents weren't supportive.

And keep the screensaver if you like it, so many of us have lost loved ones to cancer, I bet your colleagues are glad every day that you survived it. 🎀🍾

(((HUG)))

congratulations on your 5 years. 💐🥂🍾.

I'd take you out for lunch if I knew you, including taxis if you wanted to drink. In fact I'd suggest a weekend away! It's a big deal!!

im sorry your mother was so vile, it's not through fear, it's through either the spot light not being on her or her just not being a very nice person.

as for the screensaver. I have close family who have died of cancer, you being a survivor does not change that. There's nothing wrong with your screen saver at all!! I can hold two thoughts at one time- I list people I lived & that hurts. You survived and that's amazing. Anyone who thinks otherwise needs to have a good think about their attitude.

(((HUG)))

if you're in the Hampshire/Surrey area, PM me & I'll take you to lunch!! 🍰

How utterly horrid of your parents - no wonder you suffer from depression.

Sis, you are a superstar!!! Not only are you a survivor, but a mum!!!! Your strength is going to be such an amazing example for your dc. You've got a brand new adventure on the horizon. Don't let anyone suck the wind from your sails. 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

🥳🥳🥳HAPPY FIVE YEARS!!!!🥳🥳🥳

All your responses are so comforting a thousand thanks to you all

I have to admit if you were my colleague I wouldn't be particularly comfortable with the screensaver/background. If I'm being honest it also feels a bit at odds with you saying you rarely mention it; you perhaps don't verbalise it (or at least aren't aware that you are doing so?) but that's quite an "in your face" statement. But I also absolutely hate the "warrior" ideology - as others have said, it implies that those who have died have done so because they didn't fight hard enough. You might not mean it like that, but unfortunately most of the people I've known with cancer (including a very close friend and a parent) have sadly not won that fight and without exception they battled to the end. So for me, I find it really challenging language, and whilst I know some people find it empowering I think it's important to consider how difficult others find it.

That said however, I'm delighted that you've reached the 5 year milestone, and I'm truly sorry that it appears your parents (for whatever reason) don't feel that they can support you in this.

Fuck them .
They're being horrible .

Celebrate and be grateful and happy and find people
To
Celebrate with you if they can't .

I’ve also had cancer, and the treatment was gruelling for me, and at one point left me in critical condition. My parents just cannot talk about it with me. It was too traumatising for them, and so I never really had their emotional support as they couldn’t handle it.

Could your parents be in the same category? The way they behaved and the things they said are extreme and cruel, and I’m not trying to justify it. I just wonder if it’s more that they want to forget about.

In any event, you don’t need them. You’ve done so so well to get this far! You are a survivor and you always will be! Well done!!

What your parents said was, of course, terrible. However do you think there could be a superstition thing going on, kind of not wanting to tempt fate by celebrating?
I don't agree with this, but some people do think that way.

Isn’t it funny how you can spot it. That old “you’re no better than you should be” kind of thing. Even about bloody cancer!

I blame the Catholic Church 😂

Very many congratulations on reaching 5 years post cancer!
You have every right to be proud of getting there and you have every right to have pink ribbons wherever you want them, millions of them if you want them.

I am horrified by your parents' behaviour. It's vile, unloving, uncaring, shows no understanding. I don't know if I could forgive them.

Congratulations on hitting the 5 years point- it's a big thing. I remember when my mam got there. Hers never returned. Treat yourself to something nice to celebrate. 💐🍰🍨

I can understand you wanting to recognise the occasion.

My DH just couldn’t deal with it at all so retreated completely

"D"H's abandoning their wives who develop cancer is so common that some of the cancer wards have staff to help the patients. A man is six times more likely to leave a wife with cancer than a woman is to leave a husband with cancer. Not saying "it could have been worse" but saying that your H retreating is part of a wider pattern of men not supporting the wife they vowed to be there for "in sickness and in health".

family members have said I need to ‘become the person I was before cancer as that’s who everyone loved’

You can't, because that person is gone. It's like asking a rape victim to go back to being who she was before the rape. Serious adversity changes who we are irreversibly.

I am sorry that your husband and family are treating you so poorly.

Do you have siblings, OP? My parents are like this with me, but not with my brothers….

I think there's some truth in what your parents have said. You wouldn't for example celebrate surviving a redundancy or losing your home in a fire would you? It was mostly luck that you had cancer and luck you survived. You didn't personally do much. Maybe they feel like youre presenting things as an accomplishment rather than a consequence. Having said that, the words they chose were harsh and I can completely jnderstand you wanting to mark the occasion but maybe you would have been better framing it as counting your blessings/gratitude if you wanted your parents there.
I am kind of surprised you would chose to mark the occasion with them after their previous reactions. Why not celebrate with some friends who are on the same wavelength as you.

Congratulations to you on your milestone!

Your parents do not sound supportive, I'm being mild. I'm sure many people would love to celebrate with you.

I know two who survived 5+ years and they are both really positive people who are open about their experiences and grateful about their lives. It’s worth celebrating.

I also know two who didn’t survive the 5 years, they were unlucky, I don’t think less of them or their battle against cancer.

We should celebrate all life.

Me too!

Could you afford to rent a bedsit until your apartment purchase completes? It only needs to hold your bed and your baby's cot. What you've said in your posts makes me think that living with your "parents" is going to screw up your mental health something rotten.

As soon as you get out from under their roof, consider going no contact. If they won't support you when you have cancer, they have no right to expect support from you in their old age, so cut them out of your life and focus on yourself and your little one.