I asked my parents to celebrate with me me being five years cancer free

[Saturday47]

Five years ago this I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and radiation. I have been well since.

This evening I told my parents that I was five years in the clear and would they go out to lunch with me some day soon to celebrate. I am single, have no partner to celebrate with.
I can’t get over their reaction. They both turned vicious, told me that I was feeling sorry for myself bringing up the whole cancer thing. They also told me that I needed to “ get on with it”. I’d like to stress that I hardly ever talk about my cancer. They then told me that basically so what about me being five years in the clear, it was luck I have survived and to stop saying that I am some sort of a proud survivor. I then told them that I was a proud survivor and that I have a pink ribbon screensaver on my PC at work. My mother flipped altogether when she heard this and told me to change my screensaver immediately because my colleagues are saying “that one has a poor me attitude’. She’s been in a huff for the rest of the evening hardly talking to me at all.

AIBU to ask them to go to lunch with me to celebrate? I’m so upset at their reaction.

They sound absolutely awful 😖 what an awful way to treat their own daughter who's survived breast cancer. Sending u unmumsnetty hugs 🫂 You can have whatever screen saver you like. Take care 🙂

Of course not! I would imagine that your colleagues are in awe of your strength in getting through your treatment and coping with the emotional trauma of having had cancer. You keep your screen saver if you want to!

I think your parents have been hurtful and have expressed things poorly but I also think I might see their position too. I wonder if it’s unbearable for them to even think about again, let alone gather to celebrate anything related to it. I know that for some people, celebrating the end of cancer feels like something you can’t do. I’m one of those people. I would never ‘celebrate’ it simply because I’ve seen it return. I won’t dwell on the depressing details but it’s always in the back of my mind. Re the comments on you being a survivor / ‘having no choice’, I do know one good friend with breast cancer who found a lot of the talk about surviving / fighting / battling / bravery being genuinely unbearable because she felt it implied that if she didn’t survive it wasn’t down to odds or chances but to whether she was weak or gave up. I totally see that.

It's a massive milestone OP! Congratulations - it is something to be celebrated. If you're in Yorkshire I'll celebrate with you! Your screensaver is fine! If that was my colleague I would be happy they survived and won the battle xx

What a horrible thing to say to you.if I was the mother of a cancer survivor I would be shouting it round the town with a megaphone. I would certainly join your celebratory lunch if I lived close by !!

Where do you live, OP? The thread is full of people queuing up to take you out for a celebratory lunch!

Amazing congrats to you on your 5 years. You have every right to be happy proud and joyful!!!

Not to pry @Saturday47 but are your parents Irish by any chance. There is something that resonates with me of their description that makes me think that. I say that as a proud Irish woman but there can be a streak of begrudging nastiness in some Irish people that can be horrible to witness. I could be wrong of course.

OP

Where are you located?

We'll come to you?

And if you're in south London I'd happily buy you a lunch too!

Bloody awful of them.

This doesn't excuse it, but are they maybe a lot older and of the generation that really didn't talk about cancer? I have some elderly relatives in their 80s and 90s who really struggle to talk about it as it was a quite a taboo when they were younger.

Go out and celebrate with friends. And if you don't have anyone you can call upon, perhaps the way to celebrate this amazing milestone is to go out and meet some new people to enjoying spending the next 5, 10, 15.... 50 years with?

5 years is such a massive thing you're right to want to mark it. Do they realise what 5 years means to your future chances?
Congratulations.....could you book yourself a holiday, spa, makeover or special trip.
Be proud of your scars they're a sign of beating this shitty disease.

They’re vile. There’s no excuse for that. My dad can be a right cunt but I don’t think even he’d react like that. You deserve to celebrate

Yes my parents are Irish !!

Im in Dublin

I think I’d probably be terribly worried about tempting fate if a loved one asked me to celebrate such a milestone, but I hope I wouldn’t be hurtful enough to say anything other than ‘yes, of course, that’s a wonderful idea!’, if that’s what they wanted.

This is a really good point about language like ‘survivor’ and ‘fighting’ implying negative things about those who don’t survive. That’s a great viewpoint. I suppose positive language like that could be considered by some to be toxic positivity; I know when my Dad had cancer, people would say he would be fine. They meant well but I found it really dismissive. Your post really made me reflect.

I still do think there’s probably more to it than it just being about cancer. This is because OP’s Mum is trying to make OP doubt her actions and trying to tell her that people at work look down on her. Also, I don’t think OP is guilty of toxic positivity, just to be clear.

Do your parents know your colleagues? In time you may not need this to comfort you but no problem if you need it now....did you attend any moving on support sessions I found mine really helpful?

Meant to say congrats on your 5yrs, op, and here’s to many more milestones!

Dreadful reaction. What is the matter with them?? Vile.

Five years cancer free is a milestone definitely worth celebrating. And your work colleagues will not be judging you for your screensaver.

Oh OP. You deserve so much better. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine looking at your screensaver and thinking anything other than how great it is that you are well and how well you’ve done. Could you go to lunch with your cousin or a friend? Your parents sound like shits, frankly.

I am far from Ireland unfortunately :( But either way, take yourself on a celebratory date. You really deserve it.

Op......huge congratulations on being five years cancer free. I'm sorry your parents are being so horrible about it. I'd gladly help you celebrate x if the screen saver brings you comfort then keep it x much luck x

There’s no excuse for the appalling way they’ve treated you. It isn’t a normal or typical reaction from anyone, let alone your parents.

It’s a huge milestone in your recovery, of course it’s natural to want to celebrate getting through such a frightening stage of your life

Can you leave tomorrow, and keep some distance from them for a little while? It doesn’t sound as though they are a very positive influence on your life.

OP I found this thread so painful to read. I can't believe they would behave so cruelly.

Thinking back, are there other issues where they've been less than supportive as parents but you brushed it aside? Are they generally quite selfish? How did they support you at the time of your treatment?

You are well within your rights to distance yourself after such hurtful behaviour.

I hardly ever talk about my breast cancer, I only want to celebrate being five years cancer free. My mother said as well ‘ do you want your colleagues to pat you on your back and say you poor pet haven’t you really suffered’ She had a horrible almost scary look on her face when she said this.

Jesus how did your DB think you could explain the effects of chemo or rads and extreme fashion statement......good luck its a doable journey but not a fun one. I had surgery, chemo and rads and managed to work through stay strong xx