To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

NotMyResponsibility · 2023-06-02T20:44:03+00:00

Nc as pretty outing. We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it. Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music) New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home. I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults. AIBU to refuse?

MichelleScarn · 02/06/2023 21:47

Sounds like NFs parents want to be able to hold you accountable for their 'child'?

Fatkittythinkitty · 02/06/2023 21:47

That's odd. Poor NF. I can see why you don't want to but I wonder if for their sake you can send a message saying 'its fine for NF to stay but can't tell you much more than that as they're all adults and I don't get involved'. Might give them the hint to wind their necks in a bit.

Although on the other hand it will probably back fire and they'll pester you with texts..

Bibbetybobbity · 02/06/2023 21:47

Nope, I wouldn’t be pandering to that either. I feel sorry for NF (as a child of overly strict parents myself) but you can’t win in this situ and better to stay out of it.

IglesiasPiggl · 02/06/2023 21:48

Do you think they want to hear that you are supervising, which of course you're rightly not? I agree in this instance because it sounds like they want you to take a responsibility that you won't be doing.

hoophoophooray · 02/06/2023 21:53

Wow, at that age I'd been living on my own in my own rented flat for 2 years! My mum had no idea where I was most of the time.

I would send a text saying you were happy for them all to camp, but had no idea what they were up to as you aren't supervising adults

Heronwatcher · 02/06/2023 21:56

I think if your friends want the NF to come I’d just send a quick text saying, “Of course fine for NF to come, my kids are looking forward to seeing them and I will be around if there’s an emergency but to be clear I am planning on leaving the kids to themselves and having an early night (with earplugs) so I won’t be at the party/ supervising closely.” I agree it’s a bit OTT but they could just be a bit anxious because they don’t know you (or NF could be massively vague with their parents so they actually want to check they’re invited at all!).

ExplodingCarrots · 02/06/2023 21:56

Oh dear that's so embarrassing for her bless her . Like posters have said , message but reiterate that you're not supervising as they're adults .

huuskymam · 02/06/2023 21:57

If I told my 19 year old I wanted to talk to his friends parents about a party, I'd be laughed out of the room. Bit ott for an adult child.

CatherinedeBourgh · 02/06/2023 21:58

I agree. Convey the message through your dd that you have lent the site to adults and will not be monitoring what they do with it.

TheSnowyOwl · 02/06/2023 22:00

Poor NF. How mortifying for them. YANBU.

RunnyPaint · 02/06/2023 22:02

Do the parents simply need confirmation that they are not camping illegally?

onlyconnect · 02/06/2023 22:06

YABU. It might be odd but that's what they're like. Poor NF. Why not just make it easy for them? You can make it clear you're not supervising but just let them have your number.

Famebot · 02/06/2023 22:08

I would at least make contact so that NF could come but I would be making clear I wouldn't be supervising.

Original poster

NotMyResponsibility · 02/06/2023 22:08

Heronwatcher · 02/06/2023 21:56

I think if your friends want the NF to come I’d just send a quick text saying, “Of course fine for NF to come, my kids are looking forward to seeing them and I will be around if there’s an emergency but to be clear I am planning on leaving the kids to themselves and having an early night (with earplugs) so I won’t be at the party/ supervising closely.” I agree it’s a bit OTT but they could just be a bit anxious because they don’t know you (or NF could be massively vague with their parents so they actually want to check they’re invited at all!).

I used to do similar when they were actual kids but then I stayed in the field with them but made it very clear that it was loose supervision, I was there and alcohol wasn't allowed but they were free to play.

I get being a parent of an adult child is difficult but it isn't for a parent to check if an adult is invited. When does it stop?

OP posts:

lailamaria · 02/06/2023 22:08

i wouldn't be pandering to that why can't NF just say 'sod off i'm going' they're adults for gods sake of course they'll be drinking and smoking

WhimHoff · 02/06/2023 22:11

Be honest? Yes they are using our campsite, they will be drinking and they know if they use drugs there will be serious consequences but no I will not be policing my adult children.

Original poster

NotMyResponsibility · 02/06/2023 22:12

Fatkittythinkitty · 02/06/2023 21:47

That's odd. Poor NF. I can see why you don't want to but I wonder if for their sake you can send a message saying 'its fine for NF to stay but can't tell you much more than that as they're all adults and I don't get involved'. Might give them the hint to wind their necks in a bit.

Although on the other hand it will probably back fire and they'll pester you with texts..

That's what I'm worried about. I know I could block them but I don't want to be involved. They are adults.

DH who is more diplomatic than me has taken the dogs for a walk to the field.

OP posts:

WhimHoff · 02/06/2023 22:13

It’s the sort of thing my parents would have asked to do. It’s a wonder I didn’t run away from home… oh.

Heronwatcher · 02/06/2023 22:14

I get being a parent of an adult child is difficult but it isn't for a parent to check if an adult is invited. When does it stop?

I don’t really disagree with you but I wouldn’t mind doing this once if my kids wanted NF to come and if NF hadn’t been to my place before. If they asked again I’d definitely be a bit 🙄 I’m also always worried that their could be other reasons why the parents might be worried, like SEN, mental health problems, a previous bad experience at a party or another backstory. After all NF is only 19 and only just out of 6th form.

JMSA · 02/06/2023 22:42

Just message so that NF can come. Honestly, what's the big deal.

Original poster

NotMyResponsibility · 02/06/2023 22:47

Would you think the same if your parents asked the same about where you went.

OP posts:

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 02/06/2023 22:47

Heronwatcher · 02/06/2023 21:56

I think if your friends want the NF to come I’d just send a quick text saying, “Of course fine for NF to come, my kids are looking forward to seeing them and I will be around if there’s an emergency but to be clear I am planning on leaving the kids to themselves and having an early night (with earplugs) so I won’t be at the party/ supervising closely.” I agree it’s a bit OTT but they could just be a bit anxious because they don’t know you (or NF could be massively vague with their parents so they actually want to check they’re invited at all!).

Just no. They're not "kids" ffs

ObviouslyNameChanged99 · 02/06/2023 22:58

Yanbu

They're adults

lailamaria · 02/06/2023 22:58

why are some commenters acting like it's okay to treat a 19 year old like a young teenager who's been out past 7pm seriously

TheHateIsNotGood · 02/06/2023 23:04

Whilst I can look back on my own life and be "mortified" if my mum did such a thing (ever), many decades later, not so much having a young, adult ds myself. Who is also autistic. On the very rare occasions he has a 'meet up' with old friends from school I'm delighted and ask as few questions as possible. However, I can appreciate that some parents of young adults might want a 'general idea' of the 'proceedings' for a myriad of reasons.

The first that springs to mind in this situation is that NF=parents that have recently moved to your area, which is probably rural(ish) as you've got a field.
A little heads-up to reassure them of the circumstances is not too difficult, much better than getting all offended, blocky, etc for something so minor really.