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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

333 replies

NotMyResponsibility · 02/06/2023 21:44

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:
Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 03/06/2023 09:10

Meeting · 03/06/2023 08:47

YABU it's not for you to decide how other parents choose to parent their DC. You are being difficult for no reason.

There are many different cultures in the UK and in mine your parents are responsible for you until you're married. I would have been excluded from this because you feel that the way you parent is superior and everyone must be the same as you.

Just because something is culture doesnt make it acceptable and right. Child marriage is/was in some cultures !

Meeting · 03/06/2023 09:11

adviceneeded1990 · 03/06/2023 09:01

Out of interest, do you feel that this is ok? That parents control adults until marriage then hand them over to a husband to control? Are sons controlled until marriage or just daughters? Can you choose not to be married? I’m sorry but this sounds like abuse to me. No adult is answerable to another adult, parent or not.

Show quote history

Yes I am absolutely fine with it. I love my culture but if I wanted to live differently (as many of my family members do) I absolutely could. I'm not looking to derail the thread but OP seems to think that all people in the UK are also of the opinion that you are no longer a concern to your parents the minute you turn 18, when that's not the case.

TallerThanAverage · 03/06/2023 09:11

It’s not something that I would do but as so many people track husbands, adult children and younger children by their phones I’m surprised that they don’t just do that.

Barbie222 · 03/06/2023 09:13

A PP has brought up the fact that NF might come from another culture, where drinking and staying overnight without a family member present is not the norm. The parents of NF definitely aren't handling this well but the bottom line is that occasions for 19 year olds with 'copious amounts of alcohol and vapes' are by their nature going to exclude some members of a friendship group in a lot of communities, and the 'just get on board with it as it's perfectly normal' attitude shown here definitely centres your own culture.

adviceneeded1990 · 03/06/2023 09:14

Meeting · 03/06/2023 09:11

Yes I am absolutely fine with it. I love my culture but if I wanted to live differently (as many of my family members do) I absolutely could. I'm not looking to derail the thread but OP seems to think that all people in the UK are also of the opinion that you are no longer a concern to your parents the minute you turn 18, when that's not the case.

Show quote history

I’m glad you’re comfortable with it. I think you are mixing up concern and control though. Your children are a concern to you for life. That doesn’t mean you treat them like a toddler having a play date at 19.

TimesRwo · 03/06/2023 09:15

NotMyResponsibility · 03/06/2023 08:29

But parents can't check up on adults forever, they have to arm their children with means to look after themselves. NF had told the parents where they were and who they were with.

I don't know why or if a text would have been more acceptable, I don't know if it was just a reason to refuse. DH is at work now so I can't ask him anymore.

About to walk the dogs and will loop by the field and see if anyone is still up.

NF is not the diabetic, NF has been friendly for a while with my DC and haven't said anything.

I get that parents worry. I worry I still worry about my much older dc it never stops. But how you deal with it has to change once they are adults.

Yes, in an ideal world you should accept your children become adults who make their own choices. But not everyone is like that. Many parents are unreasonably controlling. And that’s not NF’s fault. NF was probably mortified at having to ask, but they knew they had no choice.

sawandnotseen · 03/06/2023 09:15

Very sad for NF. I'd been in Australia for 6mths and India for 6mth by 19! My daughter was in Thailand for a few months too....my son is 18 just and I don't know where he is most of the time but I know that he is street wise (we are in outer London) and that he'd call me or his dad if he needed us.
However, to enable NF to join the party, I would message / talk to the mum just so he/she can have some fun. It will only take minutes and will probably mean a lot to NF

shouldisay · 03/06/2023 09:16

Poor NF!! My 19yo is at the other side of the bloody country at Uni, she would tell me to fuck off if I said I wanted to speak to the parents of wherever she was going. She knows she can call if she is ever in trouble but I trust that she will make good choices.

adviceneeded1990 · 03/06/2023 09:16

Barbie222 · 03/06/2023 09:13

A PP has brought up the fact that NF might come from another culture, where drinking and staying overnight without a family member present is not the norm. The parents of NF definitely aren't handling this well but the bottom line is that occasions for 19 year olds with 'copious amounts of alcohol and vapes' are by their nature going to exclude some members of a friendship group in a lot of communities, and the 'just get on board with it as it's perfectly normal' attitude shown here definitely centres your own culture.

But if it’s a cultural thing then don’t go? Isn’t expecting the OP to act like she’s in charge of a toddler the same thing in reverse? Imposing NFS culture (if there is one) on the OP? I don’t drink alcohol, for example, but I don’t expect others not to 🤷🏻‍♀️

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 09:17

i agree you were being unnecessarily obstructive to their parenting style
however your dh spoke on the phone to the parents, who still werent happy.
what happened in the end?

adviceneeded1990 · 03/06/2023 09:18

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 09:17

i agree you were being unnecessarily obstructive to their parenting style
however your dh spoke on the phone to the parents, who still werent happy.
what happened in the end?

“Their parenting style?” They shouldn’t be parenting an adult! This thread is batshit. The NF can walk out their parents house and go no contact forever if they choose to. They can get married, have children, fight on the front line of a war!

TimesRwo · 03/06/2023 09:18

This thread is focussed heavily on how unreasonable the parents are, but very few people have acknowledged it is NF that is affected by it and it’s NF who is unable to have any freedom.

Maireas · 03/06/2023 09:19

shouldisay · 03/06/2023 09:16

Poor NF!! My 19yo is at the other side of the bloody country at Uni, she would tell me to fuck off if I said I wanted to speak to the parents of wherever she was going. She knows she can call if she is ever in trouble but I trust that she will make good choices.

Quite. I never knew what mine were up to at uni. Same as for me and my parents! 19/20 is a good time for pushing boundaries, learning to be an adult, doing different stuff. You don't need any kind of parental supervision or permission.

Viviennemary · 03/06/2023 09:19

I don't see the harm. NF's parents are just being sensible and making sure she has permission to stay. Even if you think they are a bit over the top how rude to block their number.

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 09:20

@adviceneeded1990
ok that is their issue but why be obstructive and snooty about it

Maireas · 03/06/2023 09:20

TimesRwo · 03/06/2023 09:18

This thread is focussed heavily on how unreasonable the parents are, but very few people have acknowledged it is NF that is affected by it and it’s NF who is unable to have any freedom.

Nothing the OP can do about that.
The NF is an adult, they'll manage a way forward.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 03/06/2023 09:21

All those who think it’s fine - what age do you think this kind of thing should stop? 25?

adviceneeded1990 · 03/06/2023 09:21

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 09:20

@adviceneeded1990
ok that is their issue but why be obstructive and snooty about it

Because it’s controlling and abusive and we should obstruct abuse as much as possible?!?

Blueblell · 03/06/2023 09:21

Although I agree NF is an adult and you shouldn’t be expected to supervise ect. I would send a message for the sake of the new friendship. Say yes NF is welcome but that you are leaving them to it and that it is a joint party ect. Then it is between NF and their parents whether they go or not.

lemonchiffonpie · 03/06/2023 09:22

Oh, thanks for that info, TeenDivided and Ladybug14.

I thought it was maybe code for "fuck off", or something!

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 09:22

so what age are you stopping this parenting?
on their 16th birthday,
18th birthday?
it was their request, you all may feel it unreasonable and be sanctimonious about it but they have their reasons.

adviceneeded1990 · 03/06/2023 09:24

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 09:22

so what age are you stopping this parenting?
on their 16th birthday,
18th birthday?
it was their request, you all may feel it unreasonable and be sanctimonious about it but they have their reasons.

I’d hope to have a positive enough relationship with my kids that we can chat about where they are going/what they are doing but I wouldn’t be checking overnight stays with a friend at 18/19, that’s controlling another adult. If it was a partner everyone would scream abuse and coercive control. It’s not anymore ok for a parent to control an adult, you only need to check out all the raised by narcissists threads to see that.

StormShadow · 03/06/2023 09:24

Hardbackwriter · 03/06/2023 08:08

It's clearly a moot point now - they are all probably finally asleep! - but for the PP saying that they just want reassurance that it's not illegal camping/where she is in case of emergency - that's not was asked for. The OP says she was asked to provide:
My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.
OP doesn't know the answer to two of those questions.
It does feel quite clear that they wanted her to take responsibility and even supervise. Since the DH talking to them wasn't good enough I doubt anything else OP could have done would have been.

Exactly.

This is not just a question of reassurance. The parents are asking for supervision and scrutiny that OP isn't going to and quite likely couldn't provide even if she wanted to. They want OP to be in charge, essentially. That's not a reasonable expectation, and the cod psychoanalysis of people who have pointed that out is just stupid.

Willmafrockfit · 03/06/2023 09:26

i am sure it is a mountain made out of a molehill
they want to know what time she is back today? sounds reasonable, if they have plans

Meeting · 03/06/2023 09:27

The fact of the matter is that OP has decided that her beliefs and lifestyle are far superior to that of NF and their family and that everyone needs to be like her.

It screams supremacy to me