To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

[NotMyResponsibility]

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

At that age i was buying a house! Bit strange that the parents are doing this. I'd knave it for them to sort out as theyre all adults. I wouldn't get involved. If this person's parents stop them from coming, then that's a problem between the adult and the parents, not you. I get the feeling that once you give your number, the parents will keep ringing and messaging you about it.

I probably would message just because it only takes a minute and it's not a big deal. No reason why you have to enter into a big conversation, its just a couple of quick texts. Some parents these days really struggle to let their adult kids have independence and maybe there are additional needs or the parents are overly protective for some reason you haven't considered.

YANBU. At 19 I was at uni. My parents had no idea where I was, who I was partying g with, where I was staying overnight. You are absolutely right not to get involved. NF needs to sort this out with their own parents.

DH back from the field and has spoken to NF parent on NF phone. Apparently speaking to DH wasn't good enough as he could be anyone. He left it saying that NF was welcome, that they were staying with other adults and gave the what.three.words if they wanted to collect them.

Appreciate what others are saying about other issues but NF seems mortified/resigned. This isn't normal and it saddens me that some think it is.

I feel sorry for NF. Hopefully support from their peer group will help them stand up to their controlling parents

parents are overly protective for some reason you haven't considered

But it isn't for me to consider, if there is an issue they cant expect another adults parent to parent.

One of the friends is a T1, one has a nut allergy, my eldest has brittle asthma. They have to trust themselves and their friends because they are adults and parents can not be present always.

Poor NF. It’s bad enough that their parents are this controlling, but now they might miss out on this fun activity as a result. If I were you I’d try to get NF included, it might help their independence to stay out overnight. And I know that’s not your responsibility but I just like to be inclusive. So I would message the parent as requested, and say as PPs have suggested that it’s ok for them to stay but you’re not supervising.

The controlling parents of NF better watch out as one day their adult child might decide to leave and not tell them.

feel sorry for them to be honest

Parents sound batshit. I would refuse to get involved regarding supervision of adults.

I feel sorry for NF but no way would I be starting up a text conversation with that lot. They sound batshit and once they've got your number will probably be bothering you all night.

Poor NF. I completely agree with you, OP. The babying of young adults does them no good at all. I hope NF manages to set some boundaries.

I don’t disagree with the overall opinion expressed in this thread, but it’s struck me how different the attitude is here concerning how a 19 yr old should be treated (as an independent adult), compared to the Schofield threads where 19 seems to be regarded for the most part as being vulnerably young.

Definitely don’t pander to this insanity. It’s not “just a text” either that’s you taking responsibility for what goes on. Mortifying.

Not the same thing since Schofield had known the young man since he was quite a bit younger and the concerns are centred around grooming.

Just text say its absolutely fine for him to stay there, you won't be available to contact on the night though as they're old enough to supervise themselves so if they need to get in touch, they need to contact NF directly.

No, you’re not being unreasonable at all, but it wouldn’t have caused any harm if you did.

Very conscious I’m projecting here but I had very controlling parents growing up. This is the sort of thing they would have done (except by that age I had almost no friends as I lost them all by my parents not letting me go anywhere or do anything). It’s not the child’s fault their parents are so strict and unreasonable, but as it would have allowed them to have a taste of freedom for one night, it would have been nice for you to have been supportive of that.

Absolutely zero parallel

This is clearly an attempt by controlling parents to transfer responsibility to you for a night. Absolutely ridiculous and borderline abusive. If a partner was behaving this way no one would be expected to play along with it. If anything being clear that the requests are unacceptable may help NF see a different perspective and realise they don’t have to go along with the demands. No chance I would make that call

I'm cringing for NF, the poor kid (adult!). Like others here, I was working full time paying my way by then! Yes, still young, but at 19 I wouldn't expect to be reporting in to mum and dad with my whereabouts and have them speaking to other parents to check details. Mortifying.
Hope NF can wangle their way round it and have a good night.

Why can’t parents check that their child is going to be safe? You don’t just stop giving a shit once they turn 18 surely??
Is she the diabetic one?? As diabetes and alcohol can be dangerous & id want to know my DD’s location too & would feel happier exchanging numbers with the other parents (or a sober adult) encase her low alarms were sounding in the night and all the drunk teens/adults slept through them. Yes they’re adults but that’s no comfort if she goes into a hypoglycaemic coma in the night and dies.

Nf is clearly not the diabetic one, that was an example of how the OTHER friends at the party have various health issues they are trusted to manage.

I don’t know. It is totally unreasonable, but i feel very sorry for nf. I think at a minimum I’d say you know, if I laid down these kind of rules to my child I’d expect them to tell me they are 18 now not 6 and fuck off. Because it’s not a reasonable way to treat an 18yo, much less a nearly 20yo. I’ll just let you think about that.
why will talkingto op help the parents when talking to her Dh doesn’t? That’s weird, just like all the rest of it.

He left it saying that NF was welcome, that they were staying with other adults and gave the what.three.words if they wanted to collect them.

What are the what.three.words?

If speaking to DH on the phone isn't sufficient then why would a text be? Surely that's worse.

I realise this party will be over by now or they’ll at least be well into Hanover territory, but surely the important thing is, what does NF want?

All this infantilising of adults saying that OP should text and reassure the parents because they’ll be worried and what harm can it do etc etc is ridiculous. Nobody should be pandering to that, you’re only contributing to a young adult feeling that they have no right to freedom and that being controlled by their parents is ok. It isn’t.

Parents may not like it but 19 is an adult. And no. Not being grown up isn’t an excuse to not let them. They’re an adult, the end. Unless they have SN that are such that they don’t have capacity, in which case they wouldn’t be sleeping out with other friends anyway, the parents have no business controlling their child like this.

It’s absolutely understandable that the parents would want to know where their child is, from the child. Absolutely not ok for the parents to start making demands of the parents of other adults, and IMO it’s equally not ok for those parents to enable such control.

Presuming you are not asking for the actual location, What.three.words is a way of giving the actual location of somewhere down to something like 3metres by 3 metres. It's an app, and useful for places without addresses / fine tuned postcodes. You can use it for things like mountain rescue on a hillside (if you have a phone/internet signal).