Page 14 | To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

NotMyResponsibility · 2023-06-02T20:44:03+00:00

Nc as pretty outing. We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it. Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music) New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home. I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults. AIBU to refuse?

Original poster

NotMyResponsibility · 04/06/2023 20:32

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2023 18:16

Comments like this from people, who are clueless of the reality of what it’s like to be vulnerable. I’m talking about giving the people, dd will be spending time with a heads up as to what to do if something happens to my dd. I have done it with her friends thus far. But new friends would need to be briefed. Perhaps dd will be able to do it alone by then. I hope so. But perhaps not. I’m talking about signs to look out for and putting her in the recovery position rather than leaving her to choke to death, when to call an ambulance, giving my number etc.

Exactly @StormShadow At no point did I say I wanted them to play mummy. I’d be severely pissed off if they thought it ok to play drinking games with dd or encouraging her to take drugs. That would be for dd to manage and she would have to extricate herself from the situation and text / call for help.

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I find this fucking rude. My child has brittle asthma, I certainly do understand what it means to be vulnerable. They can go from completely fine to needing an ambulance within minutes. They have had to learn how to manage this as an adult, I spent all their childhood teaching them how.

At no point did I say I wanted them to play mummy. I’d be severely pissed off if they thought it ok to play drinking games with dd

So you do expect me to play mummy to adults, I do think it is ok for adults to play what ever game they choose. It is only due to house prices that my older dc are at home, when I grew up 21 years olds would have moved out.

OP posts:

MakesMeFeelSad · 04/06/2023 20:40

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2023 18:16

Comments like this from people, who are clueless of the reality of what it’s like to be vulnerable. I’m talking about giving the people, dd will be spending time with a heads up as to what to do if something happens to my dd. I have done it with her friends thus far. But new friends would need to be briefed. Perhaps dd will be able to do it alone by then. I hope so. But perhaps not. I’m talking about signs to look out for and putting her in the recovery position rather than leaving her to choke to death, when to call an ambulance, giving my number etc.

Exactly @StormShadow At no point did I say I wanted them to play mummy. I’d be severely pissed off if they thought it ok to play drinking games with dd or encouraging her to take drugs. That would be for dd to manage and she would have to extricate herself from the situation and text / call for help.

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Iirc your dd is quite young now?

At 19 you most certainly shouldn't be talking to your dds friends about her condition unless she has specifically asked you to, in which case camping with other 18/19 year olds , many of whom may be drinking, smoking etc may not be the right place for her

myusernamewastakenbyme · 04/06/2023 20:57

TheaBrandt · 03/06/2023 15:00

A few helicopter parents have totally outed themselves as such on this thread! Thankfully the majority are sane. Reminds me of that old sit com with Timothy and mummy not cutting the apron strings!

Agree with this totally.....as a side note the kids that mine grew up with that were restricted and forbidden to do anything by their over protective parents are now the ones in their early 20's who have gone off the rails.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2023 21:34

My comment was not to you op and had nothing to do with your dd, who I understand is vulnerable. Nor do I think you should be babysitting the kids and said as much in the same paragraph, the bit not quoted. Idk why you got any of this from my comment at all.

My dd will soon be 15. I bloody wish she’d manage these conversations herself. Great that lots do. But mine won’t. She just flat refuses to be seen as different. I’m hoping it will change in future but I can’t bank on it. I am worrying about how I deal with it in the future if she won’t. That is only natural and doesn’t make me controlling or a helicopter parent.

LorraineInSpain · 04/06/2023 21:37

I am worrying about how I deal with it in the future if she won’t.

But when she’s an adult, it will be her choice whether to deal with it or not (assuming she has capacity). It won’t be for you to manage.

Teder · 04/06/2023 21:45

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2023 21:34

My comment was not to you op and had nothing to do with your dd, who I understand is vulnerable. Nor do I think you should be babysitting the kids and said as much in the same paragraph, the bit not quoted. Idk why you got any of this from my comment at all.

My dd will soon be 15. I bloody wish she’d manage these conversations herself. Great that lots do. But mine won’t. She just flat refuses to be seen as different. I’m hoping it will change in future but I can’t bank on it. I am worrying about how I deal with it in the future if she won’t. That is only natural and doesn’t make me controlling or a helicopter parent.

It is different when they’re 18. You cannot expect their friends to be reasonable for them even if vulnerable. You need to teach your child to help your friends understand what to do in an emergency or even in an “unwell” situation. She’s quite young now and it’ll take time but you need to keep at it. Just before uni, my group of friends had epipen training for a friend with severe allergies and education on what to do for another friend who had epilepsy.

Clymene · 04/06/2023 21:51

All our children are precious. It's our job to give them the tools they need to advocate for themselves. It's scary, particularly when they have issues that mean they're more vulnerable than their peers but we have to feel the fear and do it anyway. If we do it so that they can start developing that independence while they're still living at home to be their safety net, then we're giving them the tools to manage it when they're not.

Stripedbag101 · 04/06/2023 22:23

@Mummyoflittledragon I can understand it must be a worry - but you must understand that if your daughter doesn’t want to talk to friends and colleagues about her illness once she is an adult then there is very little you can do unfortunately.

you can’t contact her adult fiends, university lecturers, work colleagues and romantic partners behind her back.

if she doesn’t want to share this information then you must respect that - even if that is detrimental to her health.

it sounds like you and your daughter have a very difficult journey ahead - and you will struggle with her becoming independent.

there are battles ahead!