To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

[NotMyResponsibility]

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

Poor NF - how humiliating.

the parents sound hysterical and unhinged.

I hope she (?) still managed to enjoy her time with her friends and continues to break free from their control

Yikes. Properly bad up date. I dislike the insinuation from some that this insanity is showing you really care about your kid. It’s not - it’s actually selfish behaviour and all about how the parents feel and their neuroses.

I also disagree with the “it’s just a text / phone call” it’s not - its op then taking on the responsibility.

God, that poor kid. Glad they can stay another night and get a bit of space from their batshit parents.

The police would just laugh in their face, surely? "Hello police, our adult daughter is at a party and she's refusing to come home despite us telling her she has to".

They don’t act for actual crimes now so good luck with reporting a non event

This, unless the NF parents are also liars and say there was major illegal activities going on, they won't be bothered. All that will happen is the NF might decide that leaving home and NC with family is the way to go.

Lesson in alienation for overbearing parents. Twats.

SO pleased the NF stayed! Good for them

This sort of thing makes me really cross. The police are there to help if someone is in danger and to investigate crimes. They have enough to do without being bothered about adult children who stay out at a party.

I hope the police told NF’s parents to get lost.

Good for the op to model parent of adult dc normality and stand firm against the behaviour not condone / pander to it

I don't suppose the posters coming out with that nonsense are going to return to the thread given the most recent update though, so at least we've heard the end of it...

When I was 16 I was part of a church youth group. My DD didn't trust them, at all. I was one of the youngest and he didn't like the church. He set ridiculous curfews and conditions to me going out. That group honoured every single one, even when he restricted me more after they complied. They would drive me home from wherever we were to make sure I got back in time.

After a while, my DD changed from 'you're not going out with that lot' to 'you're only going out if you're with that lot'. I will always be so grateful to that group of people who saw past my DF's behaviour and didn't drop me.

Ok, it's not ideal. Some parents don't get the hang of letting go well. But you could make a difference for that young adult.

What would have been the harm in having an honest conversation. 'NF is very welcome to stay in our field. I'm not going to be supervising and I'm not within eyesight/earshot of the people staying, but there are toilets and shelter. I expect they'll have some drinks.'

This is crap for NF, but she has to learn to stand up for herself

her parents are way overstepping and for dh to speak to them and this STILL not being good enough is just stupid

What would have been the harm in having an honest conversation

@Lougle if you read OP's updates you will see that the conversation did happen and wasn't helpful

OP, I'm glad NF was able to stay, I assume supported by your DC

You were 16 not 19 though. There is a huge difference.

The parents sound nuts. I have young adult children and of course still worry about them sometimes. However you have to trust them to make sensible decisions and if unsure nag them to confirm with their friends regarding what they are doing and whether it will be safe/allowed etc.

What would have been the harm in having an honest conversation. 'NF is very welcome to stay in our field. I'm not going to be supervising and I'm not within eyesight/earshot of the people staying, but there are toilets and shelter. I expect they'll have some drinks.'

The harm is, in part, in normalising and providing de facto approval of abusive control. Not just for NF, but for any of the young adults there who would see that sort of request not being given short shrift.

All this - I do think the OP has done the right thing pushing back.

The police threat was probably just that a threat - do what I say or else and even if it's not can't see police would be interested and if they are a quick stop by to ascertain the facts would be all that happens - more mortification for the young adult but ultimately an empty threat.

When my DD was 15/16 she and her mixed sex friends all camped in our small garden for fun. Some parents came in to say hi at drop off , some didn't. I left it to any to ask what was happening, none did so assumed all were fine.
But I got a call the next day from DDs BF Mum who knew me well, bollocking me for letting her stay there with 'BOYS TOO' when she didn't approve. Told her had I known her objection I could have done something, as I didn't, it wasn't possible. She expected an apology for allowing it. Never told DD and BF to this date over 20 years on!!
They all got to 17/18, used to meet at my house and camped wild locally, cleared up and brought the empties back for recycling. Didn't bother anyone, had a great time. Its called helping them take responsibility.

999

Which emergency service do you require?

Police!

What is your issue?

My daughter is at a party and won't leave!

How old is she?

18!

Is she in danger?

well, erm, we don't know the other people. They might be drinking.....It's outdoors...it's after dark....there are boys there...she wouldn't leave when went to get her...

Was she enjoying herself sir?

well, erm..... yes....but....

( obviously artistic license going on here 😉)

Comments like this from people, who are clueless of the reality of what it’s like to be vulnerable. I’m talking about giving the people, dd will be spending time with a heads up as to what to do if something happens to my dd. I have done it with her friends thus far. But new friends would need to be briefed. Perhaps dd will be able to do it alone by then. I hope so. But perhaps not. I’m talking about signs to look out for and putting her in the recovery position rather than leaving her to choke to death, when to call an ambulance, giving my number etc.

Exactly @StormShadow At no point did I say I wanted them to play mummy. I’d be severely pissed off if they thought it ok to play drinking games with dd or encouraging her to take drugs. That would be for dd to manage and she would have to extricate herself from the situation and text / call for help.

@Mummyoflittledragon will your daughter be unable to brief her friends and colleagues when she is adult?

what age is she now?

Will she be able to live independently? Attend university, work?

if so she absolutely needs to be able to manage this illness herself. It will be socially debilitating if every new friend she makes needs to be briefed by you.

So do your parents check with the parents of your friends when you go somewhere?

Comments like this from people, who are clueless of the reality of what it’s like to be vulnerable. I’m talking about giving the people, dd will be spending time with a heads up as to what to do if something happens to my dd. I have done it with her friends thus far. But new friends would need to be briefed. Perhaps dd will be able to do it alone by then. I hope so. But perhaps not. I’m talking about signs to look out for and putting her in the recovery position rather than leaving her to choke to death, when to call an ambulance, giving my number etc.

But the OP isn't going to be there to put her in the recovery position.

When my dd did DofE at 15 she had to tell the other members of her group what to do if she had an anaphylactic shock. There were no mothers to do it.

Now, she's at university she has to manage herself. I didn't ring the parents of her flatmates.

I was impressed at how proactively caring teens can be to their mates. Dd1 aged 16 had a party and one girl was horribly dangerously falling over drunk i went down to intervene but her pals had already called the girls mum who was on her way.

I was impressed at how proactively caring teens can be to their mates. Dd1 aged 16 had a party and one girl was horribly dangerously falling over drunk i went down to intervene but her pals had already called the girls mum who was on her way.

Yep this has been my experience.