To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

[NotMyResponsibility]

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

... random things like pie.giraffe.moon

You can check by asking your adult child.

OP isn't going to be the sober adult there. She isn't going to hear any alarms. You can't make her responsible if your adult child wants to take risks that you don't like. This is part of the scary but essential part of letting go so that your adult child can actually be an adult with the autonomy that that brings.

These parents sound really controlling. This is definitely not normal behaviour towards a 19 year old.

YANBU. I have a 19 year old (20 in Sep) and she is Uni. Off to Devon in an airbnb this weekend then to Italy for a week with her Uni mates. I have no idea where she is staying and trust that she will be as sensible as what a normal 19 year old will be. I also have a 18 year old DS still at home and he is always off out, no way would I check with parents where he is.

@lemonchiffonpie

What3words is a proprietary geocode system designed to identify any location on the surface of Earth with a resolution of about 3 metres. It is owned by What3words Limited, based in London, England. The system encodes geographic coordinates into three permanently fixed dictionary words. Wikipedia

Founders: Chris Sheldrick; Jack Waley-Cohen; Mohan Ganesalingam; Michael Dent

Founded: 2013

I think your husband gave the right answer here. She’s welcome but if you want to collect her feel very free.
Too complicated to get involved in adults lives, you I imagine barely know much about her right now, so stay safe for your own safety.
There will be time to build relationships later, if wished.

Why can’t parents check that their child is going to be safe? You don’t just stop giving a shit once they turn 18 surely??

do you ring up the nightclub they are going to to make sure the bouncers keep an eye on them? What about when they go abroad? What then

if you’ve brought up responsible adults and allowed them to experience responsibility then you can still give a shit, but from a distance

YANBU. My parents were VERY controlling but once I turned 18 that was it. It shocked me. I remember first time being home from uni, went to a friend’s house, got drunk and stayed over. I had my dad’s car. In the morning they called my friend and thought I would get an earful. But no, my dad just needed the car and wanted to know when I’d be home. Those parents need to let NF go.

My impression is they know NF might do something silly/dangerous/illegal and want you to somehow be responsible for it. If there was a genuine reason they were being extra cautious (e.g. NF had a health condition/allergy/injury etc) they would’ve let you know. Anyway, like others have said I would refuse to take responsibility for an adult, especially one I had never met and knew nothing about.

At that age I was working abroad in holiday camp type situations.

I'm so glad mobile phones weren't everywhere and certainly didn't have photos and SM!

My parents were grateful to be blissfully unaware of my antics

Also no drugs involved - EVER - but certainly copious amounts of alcohol!

Best part of growing up is these experiences. Good on you for providing them. Hope your DD has a fab birthday

I don’t think it’s normal but I would have begrudgingly called as NF is the one stuck in the middle here and if I didn’t call I’d think of them missing out. Hopefully if they go NF’s parents will lighten up a bit.

I think your kids, or you if you get the opportunity, should encourage poor NF to stand up to her parents. She’s an adult and needs to act like one.

I'm presuming the NF is female and the parents assumed she was lying about where she was going and instead was off to a cocaine fuelled orgy.

The parents have massive trust issues (unless NF is an addict who has previously stolen all of Nans heirlooms)

Poor NF.

Poor NF, their parents are batshit. Agree it’s borderline abuse. They shouldn’t be dragging OP into it, to solve their own anxieties.

I guess there is more to this than meets the eye but they are not being reasonable wanting you to say what they'll be doing and when she will be home. Suggest NF tells parents where you are , where she will be and tells parents you have their phone number in case you need it. Other than coming to meet you how will she know anything about you from a phone call anyway. Hope NF gets to come to the party.

It’s puzzling that the NF’s parents set out these conditions.
And even more puzzling that NF adhered to them. Maybe her parents are the sort who tell her that while she’s under their roof, she must obey their rules. Maybe NF can’t afford to move out and set up her own home yet if she’s still in education. Let’s hope her new friendship with your dc help her become a bit more independent from them.
I think it was good your husband reached out to them and I hope he explained that while the invitation to the adult camp-out overnight party had the full permission of the landowners, he could take no responsibility for the events of the night as he wouldn’t be present.
I hope the birthday celebrations all went smoothly and they had fun.

Just what I thought.

In this instance I'd be mortified by my parents, but very grateful if friends parents could send a quick message saying "Fine for FarmGirl to come over but as they're adults and I'll be in bed I won't be supervising. They're a sensible lot and I'm sure they'll have a great time".

Because A) it would hint to my parents that not everyone is strict like them, B)if v paranoid it would reassure my parents I'm not lying to them and haven't 'made up' this story about being invited to a camp out in a field and C) sometimes when your parents are really strict its nice to know other parents will support you (well not 'support you', that's not the right phrase, but more sort of mentally 'have your back' and help a little when they can also see your parents are unreasonable). Its just nice to be nice and help others a little when chance arises.

@TeenDivided @Ladybug14
Fascinating! What an amazing idea. I too had no clue about what 'what.three.Words' was and assumed it was just a nonsensical autocorrect.

Adults aren't your responsibility. Ridiculous for them to expect you to babysit their adult child, whether they have "diabetes" or whatever or not as a pp said. Goodness sake.

Yeah I'm not saying its your responsibility or you should get involved. Clearly it's up to you and YANBU to refuse.

I'm saying I'd do it personally because it's not a big deal to me and I try to see the perspectives of others. I don't assume everyone else is a nightmare control freak for no good reason like half of mumsnet. I would wonder if the parents have maybe some trauma in their lives that leads them towards over protection or if NF has significant additional needs or health issues and they are just finding it a bit harder than you are to loosen the apron strings.

Agreed.

All the anecdotes of ‘I was off doing whatever at eighteen’ are no help or relevance to a young person who is severely restricted by their parents.

A controlling parent can wield a lot of social and economic power over a young person, even if they are legally an adult. It can arise from over-protectiveness; it can be out-and-out bullying, abuse or economic coercion.

Sometimes other kind adults who see what is going on and tactfully intervene to help things happen are that young person’s only chance of experiencing some normal activities.

I would speak to them and give them the facts.
Including that you are not responsible for their adult child.
Maybe they just want to check that you are happy with a bunch of teenagers camping out on your property,

I feel sorry for the young adult, that it’s overly controlling. I think as your husband has spoken to them that’s as much as can be done.

would you think this if it was an abusive partner asking you to confirm their whereabouts? Or is policing/stalking/controlling an adults movements only ok for a parent?