To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

[NotMyResponsibility]

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

It’s one of the best things ever if you’re at large crowded event or for hard to find fields full of hungover teenagers.

Some delivery cos even let you add it for your home address.

I would wonder if the parents have maybe some trauma in their lives that leads them towards over protection or if NF has significant additional needs or health issues and they are just finding it a bit harder than you are to loosen the apron strings

But none of this needs feeding. It needs to stop, not for other people to conform to it. I think OP’s DH handled it perfectly.

I wonder if NF is autistic and the parents want to check that they haven't misunderstood their invite. One definition of autism is that it's a social communication disorder, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to worry that they had maybe invited themselves where they weren't wanted.

Bloody hell! NF is nearly 20! Some of the replies on here are mind boggling to me. I had left home and was living in a little rented flat alone by the time I had my 20th birthday.

I hope they had a great time. 😀

It's clearly a moot point now - they are all probably finally asleep! - but for the PP saying that they just want reassurance that it's not illegal camping/where she is in case of emergency - that's not was asked for. The OP says she was asked to provide:
My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.
OP doesn't know the answer to two of those questions.
It does feel quite clear that they wanted her to take responsibility and even supervise. Since the DH talking to them wasn't good enough I doubt anything else OP could have done would have been.

hi OP

When I read your first post I wondered if it might be NF has abusive parents? Sometimes those parents make their kids jump through hoops to be allowed to have any sort of normal life, and part of that is making unreasonable or humiliating demands of them. Like getting you to text though NF is an adult.

Don’t ask me what the point is, it’s nuts. Control I suppose. They don’t even just say ‘no’ instead they put in suspensive conditions that make attendance uncertain and means their child has no sense of agency and can’t freely enjoy participating in their own life. Like the DHs on here who enjoy ruining their wives’ special occasions by picking fights. Parents of young adults often control the finances, the YA’s home is theirs, and like with spousal abuse, the only solution to move out and become financially independent. Which takes time, sometimes, and a lot of hoop-jumping. To all the people saying NF should just tell them where to get off, understandable, but abused people don’t do that.

It’s nice NF feels your family would understand about the need for the contact, DD must be a non-judgemental girl. I’m not sure I’d have asked a new friend, I’d have been too humiliated.

But parents can't check up on adults forever, they have to arm their children with means to look after themselves. NF had told the parents where they were and who they were with.

I don't know why or if a text would have been more acceptable, I don't know if it was just a reason to refuse. DH is at work now so I can't ask him anymore.

About to walk the dogs and will loop by the field and see if anyone is still up.

NF is not the diabetic, NF has been friendly for a while with my DC and haven't said anything.

I get that parents worry. I worry I still worry about my much older dc it never stops. But how you deal with it has to change once they are adults.

Do they want you to supervise or do they just want to say hello? Maybe NF has issues that requires a little more involvement from his parents than the usual 19/20 year old? I would give the number but make it very clear when you speak to then that you're not actually going to be down there on the field with them.

No way would I give them your number. They will take that as assuming responsibility for NF which you're categorically not

100% agree with your stance and thoughts.

I sort of understood it until the you could be anyone comment to your DH. well yes. But anyone could be anyone! Bonkers. Hope they've all had a fab night.

Unless this man/woman has special needs then the parents sound unhinged. A nearly twenty year old should be able to go to a party without their parents having to check they are invited!

it sounds deeply troubling. The man/woman is giving their parent too much information and should probably move out. Their development is being stunted

YABU it's not for you to decide how other parents choose to parent their DC. You are being difficult for no reason.

There are many different cultures in the UK and in mine your parents are responsible for you until you're married. I would have been excluded from this because you feel that the way you parent is superior and everyone must be the same as you.

That's really weird and sad for the adult in question. You can't really call the adult parents of an adult human and let them know it's okay to stay - it's bonkers. I'd feel exactly the same way as you.

But the legal situation is that NF is an adult (assuming OP is in the UK)

OP doesn’t have to pander to people who want to control other adults. Cultural or not.

This!

Same for me. That was in the days before mobiles and I often think how much worse it would be now. My abusive controlling parents would have insisted on full access to my mobile and contents, with find my phone fully activated, that’s for sure.

My friendships were generally short lived as they quickly became forbidden, but I have never forgotten the few good parents of friends who did their best to make things easier for me.

A one off weekend at a friend’s house, when I was a teenager, remains a life long happy memory of two wonderful days. Her parents were so kind.

Please be generous to NF, you can’t imagine what could be going on at home, and she will be powerless.

I had a parent very like NF's and I'm with you, OP. There is no excuse for it whatsoever. 'Worry' of a parent's doesn't trump the adult child's legal and moral autonomy.

Not the same thing as a party, obv, but my eldest turned 18 two weeks ago and promptly went into active service with our local volunteer fire brigade (not UK), that he's been training with for just over a year. He spent over 5 hours at a major fire last night, Was I worried? Hell yes. Do I get to dump that on him and restrict his life? Hell no.

Out of interest, do you feel that this is ok? That parents control adults until marriage then hand them over to a husband to control? Are sons controlled until marriage or just daughters? Can you choose not to be married? I’m sorry but this sounds like abuse to me. No adult is answerable to another adult, parent or not.

But this person isn't a teenager. They're an adult. Surely if you have controlling parents, you just leave home?

(I do understand, very well indeed, the above views about helping the adult child by supporting the parents' 'need' for control. But in the end it simply reinforces the parents' worldview that their actions are reasonable. A robust 'this is nonsense and you don't have to put up with it, you know' can also be of immense (longer-term) benefit. It sounds as if NF got to stay at the party, so certainly in that case I would be communicating to this adult child (in a way that doesn't make them feel bad or responsible for it) how outrageous the parents' request is and that it's not OK for them to try and co-opt others into their regime)

@Heronwatcher - they're not kids.
OP - just ignore.
Don't give any details, they'll try to hold you responsible.

I think you were right.
Whatever their justifications, this level of interference in an adult child's life is not ok.
A bit of pushback might be useful for them to see that other parents don't do this.

Absolutely agree that you were right not to get involved. To me, it's a similar situation to a group of young adults meeting to party in a nightclub, or have a party at one of their own homes - both of which are absolutely ok because they are all adults. NF's parents either accept that their adult child will be meeting other adults of a similar age "unsupervised" (because supervision would be utterly inappropriate!!), or they shut them in their home and alienate them. They can't loop other older adults into this. I actually think you're doing NF a favour by showing her that other parents think hers are unreasonable.

Hope they had a fab party - sounds like an amazing set up!

My DS has ASD and I would never embarrass him like NFs parents have. I rely on DS to tell me where he's going/what he's doing, just as a courtesy, and if he doesn't choose to tell me then he won't!
If he needs my help he'll ring/message. I worry about him, of course, as he doesn't always make sensible choices when alcohol is involved, but I can't control his life.

At 19, I was driving to an airport 50 miles away, getting on a plane only knowing which airport I was going to at the other end and waiting for the travel rep to tell me and a friend which resort and accommodation we'd be staying at for the next week. This was pre mobile phones so my parents didn't know where I was or what I was doing and the dutifully sent postcard usually arrived weeks after I'd returned home.