To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

[NotMyResponsibility]

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

i agree @Meeting
i am the better parent and you are rubbish in fact, you are abusive and controlling,

She's an adult. She's not the OP's responsibility

if it’s a cultural thing then don’t go?

I think from the OP NF is keen to go, but the idea of staying overnight in a field as a means of celebrating a birthday would be just as bonkers and weird to some communities as the idea of checking up on where a 19 year old is would be to white Britain - so the questioning on what they would be doing might come from this.

To be clear - we don't know if this is the case. Op hasn't clarified this. But not everyone thinks drinking in a field is how you celebrate a birthday.

Steady on!

They also want to know what NF will be doing.

Also, no it isn't reasonable if they have plans. If they do, it's between them and their 20 year old child. It's all expecting a level of supervision from OP that she's rightly not attempting to provide. It's not like she's going to be in a position to say yes she'll be back at 1.

how very wicked to ask for a phone call tut tut

Ur take on this is very bizarre

Supremacy?? You’ve lost it. Some cultures believe in child marriage. Mutilating children’s genitals. If we disagree with those things are we white British supremacists?! We don’t even know if this is a cultural issue! NFS family might just be controlling. This teenager might be stuck in a coercive, abusive home, unable to act their age or develop as a normal adult! People are expressing sadness about that because it’s sad for the poor young adult being subjected to it, not because they think they are supreme!

Nonsense.

A parent can’t phone any professional, a University, an employer, etc, etc looking for information about or to discuss anything about a person over the age of 18.

This young adult is 19 yo, nearly 20. It is ridiculous that their parents expect another parent to have to contact them with details about what their young adult daughter will be doing. The parents of the young adult hosting the get together cannot be certain of what exactly the other young adults will be doing at the get together.

The Dad of the hosting young adult did in fact speak to the parents of the young adult potential guest and the parents refused to accept he was in fact the parent of the host.

So yes, these parents are very controlling and hopefully, this young adult will be able to escape their clutches soon.

They've had a phone call and it wasn't acceptable to then

If they want to know what time she will be back then they should ask her, she's 19 not 12

I am honestly interested- do you think it’s normal? I think it’s really odd. I really feel sorry for this adult child - it sounds abusive and controlling.

I once got a phone call from the parent of a 22 year old man who was joining. My team. His mother wanted to know if she should send a packed lunch or if there was a canteen. How mortifying for him. She must have know this would totally undermine him so I can only assume she was emotionally abusive.

same I. This case

It’s not how I’d celebrate a birthday either. I don’t drink and didn’t really drink as a teen - not cultural or parental expectation; I just don’t like it that much! But that doesn’t excuse the fact that these parents are controlling on a level that is abnormal and unhealthy for a 19 year old. You can’t use “some communities” or “some cultures” as a reason why coercive behaviour is acceptable.

@Rainbowsandbutterflies1990
well your take is very bizarre!

of course the majority of us wouldnt make such demands on parents but these one's have.
let them be

@Stripedbag101 you thought it was odd but i bet you gave her the information she wanted.

I’d assume not since @Stripedbag101 even confirming that her son worked there would be a breach of GDPR…

dd had a sleepover as a young teen,
one mum said can you make sure ds cleans his teeth

ha ha i spy

Exactly.

NF could have mental illness, addiction, self harm, or a whole number of reasons why the parents need to keep a close watch. But OP didn't bother to try and find out.

How would finding that out put OP in a position where she could confirm what NF will be doing and what time she'll be home?

But the OP isn't going to be there @Meeting. She's not going to be keeping a close watch. I really don't understand your POV

why so avoidant on communication?
it turns out the dh spoke on the phone so problem solved

Why thou, why let them be? Why accept behaviour you belive is controlling and to most on here we agree, do u accpet other behaviours in life where u can see its wrong, its not Superiority its just whats acceptable and whats not? yes im aware that can be slightly subjective as they maybe controlling out of care but still isn't OK to be controlling of another adult.

Well they dididn't accept what he said, so not quite problem solved

Well the law actually supports the op so yes her way is “better” - as a society we have legislated that ops stance is right.

Op or the parents have zero authority over another adult. What was the plan if NF was doing something the parents didn’t like but was perfectly legal? There’s nothing the op can do about that.

Why do they need confirmation. It's up to their adult child. I had lived in Spain with a bf, travelled Asia and moved out of by 19. Embarrassed for them all.