She didn't need to tell me my weight.

[NorthRock]

Just to vent as I can't share my frustration anywhere else...

I went for my NHS health check yesterday, and specifically asked not to be told my weight. I said to the nurse that I've been obsessional about it in the past and it's better for me not to know, as it sets me off... In the other questions she saw that I do cardio exercise 6 days a week, and she could see from my measurements that I'm small. I didn't want to state outright that I have a long history of eating disorders. I thought she would gauge that from everything else I'd said.

At the end of the appointment, on the card where she'd noted my BP, pulse, cholesterol etc she also wrote on my weight and BMI. She said "Oh, I know you said you didn't want to know that, but..." <tinkly laugh>

Aibu to think this was not ok? Surely she would have some awareness of EDs? I'm trying so hard not to go back to the trap of weighing and feeling compelled to lose weight, but already I'm wondering if I might buy some scales just to shave off half a stone. I've fought this for 30 years and wish she had have listened to what I was telling her.

Please cut her some slack, if she was a health care support worker she might not have had any knowledge of ED and for most other healthcare professionals their knowledge of ED is still going to be limited as they have so many other things they have to know. Please do mention your history of ED and how this triggers it when asking next time. Staff work in a very fast paced environment, never enough time and trying to make multiple simultaneous assessments on a person. As other posters have said it may have been something she had to write down and without being aware of the ins and outs of your eating disorder and how triggering this is for you she wouldn’t have prioritised using precious time to go and speak to another busy senior to find out how the administrative issue could be got round

I think she was wrong to ignore your direct request.

I also think that it is important to disclose relevant medical information to medical professionals. You should have told her the reason you didn’t want to know.

If their BMI is >35 there are certain types of contraception I can’t issue so we’d have to have that conversation then, but if they are clearly of a normal weight and don’t want to know their weight, me telling them isn’t going to make a difference to the outcome of supplying their contraception, but it might 1) trigger an ED relapse if they’ve previously struggled with one and 2) break their trust in me so they don’t come back.

I do tell people if their BP is high, they can’t see it for themselves, whereas someone of ‘a dangerous weight’ tends to have a rough idea of that.

‘Doing my job’ includes listening to the patient and respecting their wishes.

I'm sorry that happened to you. You made a completely reasonable request which could easily have been followed. There was no need for you to give explanations. Anyone with half a brain would understand that it might be triggering or upsetting for you in some way. I would let the surgery know what happened.

Thank you for all of your replies and for the understanding so many have shown.

It was an NHS health check carried out at a local government building, so not within my GP practice. I'll look at the letter to see where I could give feedback.

I don't want to 'complain' as such, and she seemed like a nice woman, but I'm frustrated that this happened and that she lacked awareness and didn't take notice of what I was saying.

Re. Counselling - I had some excellent therapy about five years ago which saved my life, but I can't afford it again. I wouldn't qualify for NHS support as I'm not thin enough (the great conflict that many families with anorexic children have- physical recovery precludes support).

I hadn't considered that a nurse probably hears 'oh don't tell me what I weigh!' at 50% of these types of appointment.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset that she didn't follow a specific, easy request, but with that as context, the situation could have been avoided if you'd clarified you have a history of ED; or if you're uncomfortable with that, reiterating seriously 'I know you must hear it a lot, but can I stress, I really don't want to know my weight. It's not helpful for me'.

It's certainly worth sending an email for awareness rather than criticism.

I hope you're okay OP.

She was in the wrong
But so were you for not mentioning your eating disorder.

You wouldn't go to a restaurant with and say 'no nuts please' when you have anaphylaxis either
You'd make 1000% to mention that having peanuts could have you end up in hospital or worse.

A nurse is busy. And overworked. And dealing with 663838 issues. When you simply mention "I dont want to know my weight please" it doesn't register. Or at least it wouldn't register as a must avoid at all cost.

Time to refocus yourself and not going down a mumsnet AIBU rabbit hole! it is time to see a mental health professional about this. You need mental help. What you dont need is comments from random strangers agreeing or disagreeing with you

You sound like an excellent, sensitive and thoughtful practitioner, WetBandits.

Sounds like she forgot and then remembered at the last minute. Why couldn't you tell her to remove it from the card when she remembered? Had you already seen it by that point? I would have said "yes can you please not include BMI" so she'd have to rewrite it or, passive aggressively in a disappointed tone "Oh if it has my weight on there I won't take it".

Anyway regardless I think you can feed it back politely to ask them to be more considerate in future. But you should be reasonable in your wording because it sounds like an innocent slip up and she acknowledged that on the spot, albeit awkwardly.

You didn’t disclose your reason for not wanting to know. Therefore it is I’m on you. People saying that’s terrible and you should complain should think about how much pressure the NHS is under these days! They offer you a health check which you voluntarily attend and then you kick off because she told you actual information about yourself?! Sorry I think you’re being unfair.

And I completely disagree with several posters that you needed to disclose your ED. I am sure for some people that's not easy to do at all and not something you want to get into in this situation.

Yes- this is exactly it, myname. It is a huge hurdle to mention EDs. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life I've said it outright to, despite it affecting every day of my life since I was 10, now that I'm 42.

I would love to be in the category of people who don't understand why telling someone you have an eating disorder and risking them responding that you don't look like it is enough to trigger a relapse.

I’m sorry but I think the onus was on you to disclose why you didn’t want to know given it was a medical situation. I can imagine that an awful lot of women say they don’t want to know in a half joking way and so she wasn’t alert to your distress.

She said she didn't want to know. That should be enough.

I would have found it hard too. Dh threw my scales away after a helpful midwife told me my weight mid pregnancy with dc1 and it kicked off a spiral of obsessive weighing/living off 2 ryvita with a slivers of cheese and apple a day. Ds ended up being such a thin baby (90th something percentile for length, 18th for weight) and I still feel guilty years later.

I hope it's clear that I'm not "kicking off". In my OP I said that I'm venting here because I can't mention it in real life. I have no desire to kick off. People with EDs are typically people who internalise their upset/self-harm rather than risk harming others.

I'm sorry for the so many others have been through this journey too. 🌷and 💪to keep on track

I think people telling the OP that she is in the wrong for not giving her reasons are not taking into account the emotional impact of having to talk about or reveal her past ED. Her request was simple and clear. Discussing it in any detail may have brought up old feelings and anxieties. Medical professionals however busy should be listening to the people they are dealing with. In a consultation they should be busy dealing with that person and giving them full focus. Some people are better at inference than others but that is surely all part of the job - understanding what the lay person says or doesn't say, then translating it into clinical language. If lots of women with or without EDs are asking for their weight not to be mentioned, they should be respected too even if they say it in a 'jokey' way.

The nurse was in the wrong and what she did was not in line with her training, her contract and NHS guidelines.

In your shoes I would complain.

You don't have to complain, it is only something to do if you want to. Not all nurses are good at their jobs and this nurse was in the wrong - you did nothing wrong.

This is good advice. I wish I'd said and done that. Part of the condition is people pleasing/not wanting to step out of line so I did what I thought I was meant to, but this would have given the message without fuss.

No means no in every context it is said. Th OP shouldn’t have to explain herself. She just didn’t want to know her weight.

I disagree with a lot of people on here you were clear you didn't want to know you mentioned you had been obsessional about it in the past you did everything BUT say you had an eating disorder and she triggered you anyway that's wrong

I have prior history of eating disorder I said the same at my age 40 health check she didn't tell me my weight asked me if I wanted my bmi I said I'm in the obese part I think she said no your just in the overweight part so your doing fine told me bmi was a blunt instrument and should only be used as a guideline and I looked in proportion and healthy she was kind considerate and respectful

People complain too much nowadays.
OP you should have been more explicit - “I have an ED and if you tell me my weight it will cause me problems, please do not tell me my weight. Is that okay?”

Thank you wildfire and ilovesushi.

I would complain. I refused to be weighed, even when my lovely GP actually pushed the scales towards me. My reasons are different but no means no.

Don't take this on yourself. The nurse was in the wrong.

There is no need to do this, the nurse has been trained to respect patients, if they don't that is their failing.

People don't complain too much now. Many people tolerate poor care without complaint and many complaints are dismissed or ignored.

In the past people complained far too little.