Kid has no filter when it comes to wanting and requesting stuff

[Chunkypineapple]

Took my DD11 into town. Within the space of about 3 hours I was asked if she could have Pizza Express, subway, fish and chips, bubble tea, a trip to the American sweetshop, something from some random gift shop, ice cream, bubble tea again, something else from same random shop, mobile phone data...and those are the things I can remember.
All requests denied apart from lunch at pizza Express as that was what the whole family agreed on and an ice cream later at the park.
Kids have had a good half term, they are definitely not lacking but I am also cautious to not give in to every request. I am just so sick of being asked and asked and asked for more stuff. I constantly say no but the fact that I say no does not mean this stops any further requests.

In the end I said look- do you know what you have asked me for in the last few hours and listed it all off, to which she was very defensive and said I need to stop making her feel guilty and that I am always making her feel she is in the wrong. I said that she is not wrong to want things per se, that its natural, but it would be nice if she could think about the bigger picture sometimes. Like, if you've just inhaled an ice cream perhaps asking for a bubble tea straight after is not a good idea.

Aibu to point out the constant nagging for crap?

Just probably time to give her pocket money when you go on a trip. When it’s gone it’s gone , she needs to learn to stick to her budget.

Persistent asking should have consequences, ask more get less.

This is a pretty good tip.
But, no, your not wrong to draw her attention to her behaviour. This kind of thing gets wearing very fast.

I think what you said to her was good, there is more to life than stuff and she's 11 not a toddler to be constantly going "muuum".

It's also a natural function of her age to have strong reactions and she may be genuinely upset by what you said - you're still right to say it though and it will permeate through to her brain!

Ok sorry should have mentioned we started giving her pocket money a little while ago. All that has happened is she will spend it instantly.

Not the point, but what's a bubble tea?

Problem I've found giving money is you're trailing around while they take their time spending it. Takes an irritating chunk of time.

Maybe outline what's happening before doing it so they know what to expect and any requests will be denied so don't ask.

She's 11 - she's had only 11 yrs on earth and is incapable of seeing the "bigger picture". Sure it's annoying, but just giving her a list of things she's done "wrong" will only upset her and teach her than you aren't in her corner.

Set expectations before you leave for a day out and as another PP suggested, give her pocket money. If she keeps asking for things, just gently and firmly remind her of what you told her from the outset. Eventually it'll sink in and she won't feel "attacked".

We expect so much more from children than we do from other adults and it's weird.

My 7 year old does this and I've found giving her pocket money before we go out helps. This is normally less than what I would end up spending on her. Even if I'm just taking her to home bargains I'll say ' you have £2 of you want but anything plus whatever pocket money you have left'

You need a general rule along the lines of 1 treat max per day - so if she'd already had pizza out, she would know she isn't going to get anything else. Clarify what you are willing to spend before you go out, and stick to it. She keep asking because she thinks you will give in.

Sounds like natural consequences to me. You agreed to buy her lunch and 1 treat (perfectly reasonable) and if she hadn't spent her pocket money she could have bought herself something else.

Whilst irritating you can empathise that you too would like to buy things but don't always have the money to do so and remind her that she will be able to buy those things when she next has money.

I disagree with the pp who said "she's only 11, can't see the bigger picture". BS. Absolute bs. We are a "well off" family but husband and I came from very poor background so try our best to ground the kids. We grew up knowing what we could and couldn't afford. I knew we were "poor" at 8, kids aren't stupid. Don't excuse them.

We always said, if we have kids (we've been together 20+years) we will use financial language from an early age to ground them as don't want them growing up thinking they can just have everything they want, ll the time. They are all under 10, and constantly hear us say "no, it's too expensive" etc. They don't ask constantly for stupid restaurant meals and takeaways. It's not difficult. Raise your kids right.

But some of these things were alternatives, so it's not really fair to list them as a part of a litany of 'could we get this?'

Clearly after the Subway suggestion you didn't say 'no, we're not having lunch anywhere' since you did end up at Pizza Express, which was one of the options your DD suggested. Since you rejected Subway, you might agree to fish and chips or the pizza. In the end your family did agree to one of the lunch options suggested by your DD - I'm not sure then what the issue was about her having also suggested Subway and the fish and chips place, since her suggesting Pizza Express was fine. She can't have wanted to eat a Subway and eat fish and chips and eat a pizza all right after the other.

My kids used to do this and it infuriated me, especially because growing up myself we would never have asked for anything as we knew there was no money. It ended up feeling pointless getting them anything as it made no difference to their happiness levels, they just wanted the next thing. All I can say is they are now 13 and 15 and don’t do it at all any more, but unfortunately I can’t tell you what I did or didn’t do that caused this - I never gave in/ explained a few times why I didn’t like I/ also blew my top a few times - but it’s probably just that they matured all by themselves.

Didn’t like it, not didn’t like I

From 11 both my kids have an allowance , then they can buy stuff they want and are told don't ask .

I agree with this, don't think she wanted pizza, subway AND fish and chips? she wanted some lunch...

And ice cream is ice cream, bubble tea is a drink...

@Chunkypineapple you say you give your 11yo pocket money, how much do you give and do you do it every week?

I have one of those and she gets £3 a week. She can spend it or save it, she used to buy a certain magazine that was £4 so once a month was fine, now it's £7 and she decided she won't want it.

Since she was little we say "this is 3 weeks pocket money are you sure you want it?"

we also say, on a trip, for example british museum gift shop - we will treat you to a £5 souvenir, if you want a bigger thing, you pay the extra from your pocket money and she understands it...

I have 4 children, so there was no way I was going anywhere with them and doing the I want I want shit x4. I told them my expectations prior to any trip. We would decide where and what we were eating and who had ‘spending money’ they would buy themselves something but it was made clear there would be no I want, I want doesn’t get anyway in my family.

once you start the buying them something they just want, so they have pocket money and holiday money so it’s a set amount so they can choose themselves with some guidance so they don’t blow it all the first day. But it stopped the asking, because they knew what the answer would be. I couldn’t afford to buy stuff for 4 every time we were out. I’d agree beforehand on lunch or an ice cream if we were out so they knew the score. Especially at 11 they should know better, my youngest struggles with it sometimes but has sen so gentle reminder of what we’d agreed on helps.

I tell them they can get it with their pocket money.
Before you head out, let her know what the food plan is (we’ll be picking somewhere for lunch, might get one treat later) so she can be involved in choosing since she has an opinion!
Then if she asks for anything else tell her she can get it with her pocket money. And if she hasn’t got any left she needs to learn to save it! Start shifting onto her that random treats like that are things she can buy herself but you won’t be an inexhaustible supply of them. And no you weren’t wrong to point it out to her - best way for her to learn.

How much pocket money does she get?

THIS!!

Spending pocket money instantly is a lesson learned and not a reason to abandon the idea. My brother used to spend all his on one item - usually a Mars bar. I used to buy loads of tiny halfpenny sweets and eat them gradually during the week whereas his was all gone in one gulp! He used to be pig sick!! Tee hee!

Use the agreement trick. It works magic at not giving in while not belittling them.

DD after an ice cream: "Can I have a bubble tea?`'
You: "It looks fun, that bubble tea, doesn't it? Wouldn't it be lovely if we had so much money that we could have bubble tea as well as ice cream. Might make us feel a bit sick though. Next time, shall we have bubble tea instead of ice cream, what do you think?"
It acknowledges her desire, acknowledges your finances, shares interest in what has caught her eye and gives her power of choosing one thing over another next time instead of wanting the every thing in sight.

Another thing you could do is work out how much all the things she wants would cost and then say: You had some good ideas for a real blow out day in town when we could just hve everything we wanted. I have costed it and it would cost £240 for us to do that. It's a LOT of money. Do you think it's worth it? How could we earn extra money to do this. Shall we sell some toys and clothes on Ebay?

She'll probably lose interest but it could be a fun project to save up for a really indulgent day and it'll make her realise you have to earn extra money to do these things. About two or three times in their life I saved up and took DC into town and said they could have anything they wanted. Because most of the time we were very careful with money, they really enjoyed it and so did I.

I agree with an above poster. Persistent asking should have consequences. Ask more, get less.

I would be mortified if my children acted this way, I’d think they were being greedy and spoilt, what’s the point in giving them anything if they’re that ungrateful they ask for more and more?

Even if my child with a brain injury, or my children with autism and learning difficulties persistently asked at that age, I’d have take them home never mind let them have some of what they asked for, they’d get nothing!

It’s unlikely this asking hasn’t just come out of no where and rather it’s progressed to this stage.
Could you state at the start of every outing that you don’t want to hear they ask for anything?

YANBU to be annoyed!

Sounds like she needs more practice budgeting. You can try things like giving her a set budget (eg 60pounds) for summer clothes and a precise list of things she needs (eg. 1 pr shorts, 2 or more T shirts, 1 pr of sandals and a swimming costume) + whatever normal rules you might have about clothes (eg. shorts must cover bum cheeks, swimming costume must fit school swimming rules so can be worn for PE) then guide her to try to pick stuff out online within budget then go to a shopping centre with the budget in cash and do it for real.

What might cure her of this is getting a job in a few years’ time.

What was the purpose of the trip into town?

Was it for an activity or was it three hours walking around shops? If it was just shopping, I can see how that would get boring if she could look at stuff but not actually do any shopping.