Kid has no filter when it comes to wanting and requesting stuff

[Chunkypineapple]

Took my DD11 into town. Within the space of about 3 hours I was asked if she could have Pizza Express, subway, fish and chips, bubble tea, a trip to the American sweetshop, something from some random gift shop, ice cream, bubble tea again, something else from same random shop, mobile phone data...and those are the things I can remember.
All requests denied apart from lunch at pizza Express as that was what the whole family agreed on and an ice cream later at the park.
Kids have had a good half term, they are definitely not lacking but I am also cautious to not give in to every request. I am just so sick of being asked and asked and asked for more stuff. I constantly say no but the fact that I say no does not mean this stops any further requests.

In the end I said look- do you know what you have asked me for in the last few hours and listed it all off, to which she was very defensive and said I need to stop making her feel guilty and that I am always making her feel she is in the wrong. I said that she is not wrong to want things per se, that its natural, but it would be nice if she could think about the bigger picture sometimes. Like, if you've just inhaled an ice cream perhaps asking for a bubble tea straight after is not a good idea.

Aibu to point out the constant nagging for crap?

If she’s happy to take the “no”, is she genuinely asking with an expectation of being given the thing, or is it more of a knee jerk reaction to seeing something interesting that looks nice, as a bit of conversation. If it’s one thing after the next after the next, it doesn’t even really sound like she’s that bothered about each, especially if she’s not kicking off when told no.

Quite sad that she feels as though she’s always “in the wrong” or made to feel guilty.

I was constantly warned of greedy, grabby, spoiled children by my parents and consequently never asked for a thing, really struggle to make my preferences known (in terms of restaurants/activities) and still find it difficult to ask for or accept things for fear of looking somehow entitled.

Not implying the situations are the same at all, but if she’s already feeling embarrassed and attacked when it’s called out, it doesn’t seem like something she’s wilfully choosing to do, more a habit at this point.

Is it the fact you were in town, at the shops? So nothing to do but spend?

I found once pocket money was introduced that there was plenty that they no longer wanted much, if they were paying for it!

Pointing out bas behaviour isn't "making her deek guilty". It's your job as her parent.

How about pocket money and helping her make a budget?

And when she's spent everything she will just have to go without treats etc.

but that requires you to be strict. If you give in every once in a while, she'll continue asking / trying to get something.

Are your other children older or younger? you'll have to find a way to make it fair/equal, especially if they're older.

I always taught my daughter to ask nicely rather than demand an "I want" but some of it is a natural consequence of not letting them have financial control over the day - so you may or may not say yes so they hedge bets and ask - don't ask don't get principal. So I think setting expectations and having a discussion prior to going out is a good idea - try that and see what happens. I once had a humdinger of a row with my two sisters when on a day out with DD and her 2 cousins (sisters were there as aunties as these were my brothers kids) because they wanted to go into a zoo via the gift store!!! I wouldn't mind but both were teachers and should have known better. I protested and then at the end they were like if you don't want to go in go and wait in the car etc - I was like they were missing the point, they would never have got the kids out as the cousins were terrible for expecting everything or at least demanding it. Plus also adults left lumping the shit around all day. I could probably have explained it better but that was a whole shit day and my patience was tested before we even got in the place.

Set clear rules before you head out and have your kids repeat them back to you. For example the other weekend we went into town for lunch, shoes and a treats from the sweet shop. Our kids knew that's what we were going for and that's all we had money for on that day.

If they see anything they like such as toys, food, experience they can write it down in their note pad there and then, put it on their birthday/xmas list or for next shopping day out.

Oh I absolutely get this. And it's only sensible to explain.

But I had five kids, and they would ALL do this, but in sequence. I'd carefully explain to Number 1 that, no, they couldn't have everything they wanted but if they saved up birthday money..etc etc. By the time Number 5 started up they'd be lucky to get 'No, because I said so!'.

I realise though, that my experience wasn't the same as most people's. (Five kids close in age so all went out together, and no money).

I constantly say no but the fact that I say no does not mean this stops any further requests.

She knows that if she keeps asking you will eventually crack and say yes to something just to shut her up. This is learned behaviour. You don't say no constantly in her eyes. You say no until you say yes.

Unless there are consequences to constantly asking and you stop saying yes, she'll carry on doing it. You need to get her to unlearn that you are a soft touch.

I think the real problem is that going for food was a big part of the plan for the day. She was expecting to go out for lunch and the norm is to have a treat as well - so she got pizza express and an ice cream, but also asked about subway and fish and chips and a drink - it’s hard to learn that you can only ask for some things and not others when there’s no clear rhyme or reason to what you get, other than what mum wants to say yes to.

pizza express would probably cost more than a subway sandwich or fish and chips. She was allowed additional treat of icecream. She was allowed paid for drinks in pizza express, but not afterwards.

having “going to the library, the park, a wander round the shops, going for lunch, a treat or two afterwards” as a day plan and then being surprised your dcs expectation was “meal out and additional treats” seems unfair. Why were you taking your dd round the gift shops if you weren’t going to buy anything? What’s the point of going to look at things you don’t buy?

as a parent, you need to set the expectation clearer, decide in advance if you are going to lunch and if so, will you decide in advance where or will you allow your dcs to ask to go somewhere specific. And don’t have “going to look round town” as a weekend plan unless you want to buy stuff.

As you give her pocket money then reiterate that if she wants something it’s for her to save up for.
Another tactic is to not go to the shops that much.
Go for country walks where there’s no shops and take a packed lunch.
We hate shopping ( which helps I suppose ) so only ever went to the shops when we actually needed something ie a new pair of shoes. We went with a purpose and then went home.
Our three never wander around the shops these days, I’d like to think it’s because we didn’t but obviously they could just be like us anyway.
So now if our fancy a trip out they go walking. This is a good thing to get younger people used to.
As an aside and I’m not saying this is you OP but…..There was a spending programme on tv a while back and I was amazed how many people with children go shopping for a day out and without actually needing anything then kids see things they want constantly surrounded by all these shiny things that they don’t need. Keep away…I’m starting to sound odd now, so I’ll stop.

You did the right thing OP. She’s old enough to know that she doesn’t get everything she asks for and to understand that it’s wearing you out constantly being asked.

I would take the opportunity to sit down and speak with her about money. Help her budget so she can understand that if she spends her pocket money all at once there is no money for extra treats. Help her decide. x

This

Excellent, she is already being given pocket money. Now she's in a position to learn the consequences of spending it instantly.

"All I want is to say no less!"
You now need to replace 'no' with 'that's what your pocket money is for'. Every time she asks for something, your response is 'that's what your pocket money is for'. Repeat, repeat, repeat, until you yourself are sick of hearing it. And keep repeating.

This shifts the responsibility for buying treats from you to her. She needs to take that responsibility, now is the perfect time for her to learn this - before adulthood. Adults who have not learned this get themselves into serious debt problems, so grit your teeth and keep repeating - 'that's what your pocket money is for'.

When she whines that she's already spent her pocket money, you know the drill. Use language that emphasises that money for treats is in her control and not yours. Like, 'If you've already spent it, you've already had treats'. Or, 'You chose to spend it on X, you knew we'd be coming to town, maybe you should have kept a hold of it for this trip. Think about doing that next time.'. Always bat the responsibility back to her. It will be extremely tedious for you, but hang in there.

The word 'no' need never pass your lips again.

Love this!!

Aside from her pocket money I would give her a fiver for that day and say when it's gone it's gone. Then when she asks for stuff say is that how you want to spend your fiver?

I would also use an app like Go Henry and a card. Then you can look back with her on how she has spent her money and whether she is happy with those spending decisions.

Our children are very polite and get that stuff cost money (they are much younger than 11) but of course when we go anywhere they ask for things, it's just being a kid! If you can't afford it or don't want to spend money say no. The kids who don't ask for things are the kids who are piss poor and know they will never get anything. My husband was raised like this, on a day out they had to chose between a drink or an ice cream as his parents couldn't afford both, very sad (in their defence his parents had an unexpected multiple birth, they planned for 2 children which they could barely afford and ended up with 4). We aren't raising our kids in poverty we can afford treats, they don't get everything but of course they can have things on a day out, what's the point in going if you can't give them treats they enjoy?

Er nope. She’s spoilt,demanding and manipulative when you refuse her requests ,because she then loads on emotional blackmail. She’s perfectly capable of seeing the bigger picture at 11, the person suggesting she doesn’t must not have very advanced kids.
Tell her if she doesn’t stop in the incessant demands, you’ll stop the trips.

I agree with this.

Also the language around "inhaling" an ice-cream and then asking for a bubble tea is awful. I had a lot of this language thrown at me when I was a kid and never had a healthy relationship with food. Sometimes not eating enough or at all, and other times eating too much.

My DD went through a phase - that was beyond irritating - of not directly asking, but obliquely asking.
She would point things out. “Ice cream van!” “Sweet shop!” “Burger King”.
She doesn’t do that now and it’s as if a switch has been (gratefully) flicked, but I had about 3 years of it.
I’m a fairly hard-liner when it comes to, “No means no”, too. Maybe she got fed up of her approach being unsuccessful, or maybe she grew up and recognised the unhealthiness of her requests, or maybe it was the chats I gave her about how me having to say, “no” all the time soured occasions, but it was a long time before it finally stopped. YANBU, I don’t think, OP!

i don’t actually think it’s healthy to use shopping as a social/entertainment activity. We’ve always just gone to the shops, bought what we needed then left. I don’t get the wandering round shops thing. Our DS (same age), never really asks for anything unless we ask him (eg birthdays etc), or on a trip out somewhere. Because he’s been brought up to be grateful for what is offered and to not use shopping as a pastime.

He has pocket money on a card that he can use to buy sweets, small things etc.

My best advice would be to stop talking about “oh I’d love to buy x”, maybe start talking about experiences, activities.

Also some serious discussions about money.

This. We did this on a trip to Disneyland Paris as I knew they'd be so tempted an always asking for things. It was amazing once the cash was in their hot little hands, how careful they were with it.. how long they took choosing.

Yes! Trailing round the shops is dull and stressful and designed to make you want things, especially food, to alleviate the weird combination of boredom and overstimulation. Have a list, get the specific thing, then move on to an actual activity. The only time “shop as entertainment” works is when they’re little and confined to a trolley and think Sainsbo’s is a big day out.

Pocket money.
clear expectations - we are having x don’t be mothering for more.
Be honest re costs. I often take food, water bottle etc as buying is expensive.
Don’t give in to pestering.
When she’s older encourage a pt job.

My twins are 9 and we live near a corner shop. They constantly ask for something from the shop lol. My son is the worst when we are out as well. I'm like you I don't say yes to everything(not that could afford to)

Your first three items are lunch - pizza express, subway, fish and chips…so what she was really doing was asking for lunch which I don’t think is being unreasonable. Bubble tea is a drink - so because she had an icecream having a drink is something she should not ask for?
You need to set boundaries before you leave - ie agree where you are eating lunch and then agree how much they can spend on treats.
I get it must be frustrating if you set boundaries and she is pushing back - but it sounds like you did not set boundaries. Teens are programmed to push on boundaries so worth considering setting some for this and other occasions. If this is an ongoing problem in other areas of your relationship double check you have set boundaries.