Kid has no filter when it comes to wanting and requesting stuff

[Chunkypineapple]

Took my DD11 into town. Within the space of about 3 hours I was asked if she could have Pizza Express, subway, fish and chips, bubble tea, a trip to the American sweetshop, something from some random gift shop, ice cream, bubble tea again, something else from same random shop, mobile phone data...and those are the things I can remember.
All requests denied apart from lunch at pizza Express as that was what the whole family agreed on and an ice cream later at the park.
Kids have had a good half term, they are definitely not lacking but I am also cautious to not give in to every request. I am just so sick of being asked and asked and asked for more stuff. I constantly say no but the fact that I say no does not mean this stops any further requests.

In the end I said look- do you know what you have asked me for in the last few hours and listed it all off, to which she was very defensive and said I need to stop making her feel guilty and that I am always making her feel she is in the wrong. I said that she is not wrong to want things per se, that its natural, but it would be nice if she could think about the bigger picture sometimes. Like, if you've just inhaled an ice cream perhaps asking for a bubble tea straight after is not a good idea.

Aibu to point out the constant nagging for crap?

Bubble tea is delicious!!

My younger sister was like this at that exact age - and not just to my mum but to me as well.
I think she still does try it on now sometimes but she’s 14 and has a part time job so if my mum says no she will just pay for things herself

My stepdaughter (7) does this and it drives me absolutely insane. I deal with it by setting boundaries before the trip ‘you can have one treat at the supermarket today’, and removing privileges if she keeps asking for more stuff (e.g. she doesn’t get her one treat, or she doesn’t get dessert or whatever). It doesn’t really work though. I think there might be some neurodivergence with my dsd (we are testing for adhd), so maybe that could be true of your dd too?

Is it materialism or is it just impulsiveness? You've said yourself she seems to be doing this almost without realising. It sounds like she sees something and then just immediately thinks "oh I want that" and then forgets about it half a second later.

I agree with others on setting expectations beforehand on what she can choose and also gently drawing her attention to it when she keeps asking for things. But if she's genuinely only half aware that she's even doing this and doesn't remember that she's already asked for something then I don't know there's anything definitive you can do to put a stop to the asking.

In terms of constantly saying no, perhaps when she asks for something you can remind her about whatever parameters you set down beforehand and that she can only choose one, rather than flat put "no" every time, which will be frustrating for both of you. So with the subway/fish and chips/pizza demands, something like "Yes, we'll be having lunch in a couple of hours and we can choose then." I recognise it doesn't stop the constant nagging but if the "no" is exacerbating the issue it might help take some of the sting out of the interaction.

The day out was library and lunch, but you were annoyed by your child asking for different lunch options?
Had you already decided before she started asking for the others?

could you try and manage expectations in advance of a trip? Like say we will be going for lunch and ice cream today but no other food stops? Or giving her options - that seems to work well with older kids. Like saying you can have a snack or drink - what would you like, and ice cream or a bubble tea?

pocket money thing is a good idea but agree that they blow it quickly - girls especially seem to! What about half in her pocket and half saved for days out? We used to do that so I’d always have a bit to one side for trips etc.

Helping them understand money in an age appropriate way is a good shout. I regret not doing that a bit more with my two - they are older now and my daughter struggles to budget because I think I probably gave into her a bit too often! We live and learn…

My daughter does this but she’s only 4. My son understands money a little better at 7 so would never dream of asking for a second ice cream and would be a little more grateful. Bit of tough love here. If she keeps asking then she would get even less. She should know better at 11.

Not at all unreasonable. I STILL get nagged like this and mine is almost 16, and has her own money. Youl find there will become many things that she will want, but not enough to spend her own money on it 🤣. I think this is just how some children (people) are. It annoys the shit out of me. I get asked for things and things and things, when I offer a compromise and explain why, ie, everything is very expensive etc, she gets louder and more tantrum style nagging and arguing. Good luck OP I hope yours manages to grow out of it soon.

I just give pocket money and say if you want anything in town, bring your pocket money. If its all gone, oh well, never mind, see if you still want it next week when you get paid again.

Persistent asking needs to have consequences. Or as my Irish grandmother used to say 'I want never gets'. I did 'get' occasionally, because I was very well loved and my grandfather indulged me sometimes. But it wasn't a habit and I still remember the unexpected treats, especially since there wasn't much spare cash in the family. Fast forward and I was lucky to have a DS who asked for very little, but I think that was just his nature. He got treats but seldom pushed it. I think he grew up knowing what we could afford and what we couldn't though - and had a bunch of friends who were similar.

I found a UK charity that allow my DC and I to sponsor a child in Nepal for £10 a month to attend school. Instead of pestering for themselves my DC will ask for items that they can pack and send out to a child who has nothing. We receive photos of the child receiving their gifts - items for school, hat/gloves etc. Just an alternative approach that alongside boundaries, pocket money etc has assisted thus far.

NTA
My 7 year old is like this, and my 10 year old not at all. I started giving them pocket money 2 years ago to help her understand she can have things, but not everything. It did help a bit but didn't solve the whole problem. The older one spends at least half her money on her sister, because the little one is so incredibly keen to have the things! She gets so upset and feels her emotions so keenly. Being hard on her and strict doesn't seem to be the answer. I am trying to be consistent, and repeat the boundaries of the pocket money, bit it is still frustrating at times.

When she said she felt the OP always made he feel she was in the wrong she should have been told “that’s because you are in the wrong.” Tell it like it is.

Nonsense. 11 is more than old enough to understand the "bigger picture" as you call it.

Also more than old enough to practice good manners and learn not to be greedy.

but I don't want to create limiting beliefs around money either.

OP, can I ask what you mean by this? Sorry I don’t understand. Thanks.

She sounds like the fucking child from hell; me; me; me all the time; I’d give her a warning before leaving home very loud & very clear “Today you are not to ask for a single thing if I want to offer you something I will” but if you so much as ask once I will bring you straight home!!! Got it

So you tell her on a trip to town that this is what her pocket money is for and she needs to save it rather than spending it on crap!
my daughter has her own bank card now (12) and I pay her money into that so that when we go out she can take her card… obviously I buy her lunch still, drinks and clothes etc but if she wanted extra ‘stuff’ she can buy it herself

My 14 year old is exactly like this. It’s tiresome. My daughter is autistic and so I suspect this may partly explain things for us as she hasn’t really figured out the nuance of these kinds of things and possibly might never do. I just say things like, let’s enjoy the moment shall we and not think about the next thing. Or, “for pigging pigs sake, pleeeeeease will you just appreciate this for a moment and do you know how many hours of mummy sitting at her desk not being able to do nice things it took to buy these things here now, do you?? Jesus!” And excellent parenty words like that.

@Chunkypineapple is she actually materialistic like begging to buy stuff and sulking, or is it just a stream of consciousness? Like a habit of thinking-oh I like that- and saying can I have that? Without thinking? If so maybe practice her saying ‘I like that!’ Instead. I have a ND child who just says everything that comes into his head and drives me nuts.

Are they coming up to transition or moved to secondary already? It's a tricky time with lots of change and a bit of regression into pre-school nagging is kind of to be expected, but sounds like you've got quite a challenge on your hands. Like others have said, sounds like she's free flowing the thoughts in her head to come out of her mouth and it's a bit exciting/stimulating/impulsive for her. For a long time I used to say to mine that I only had to do much money and if I bought all the things I was asked for, we'd not be able to do lots of other things, like trips out, clubs after school, fuel for the car or save up for holidays.

I've an 11 yo at secondary and I've just started to give her pocket money, in part as she gets the train home with a friend once a week and rather than give her the money ad-hoc it's easier to do it monthly, plus hopefully giving her the chance to learn to manage her money, with some hiccups on the way, because that's how we learn. We had a bit of a chat about it, told her I thought she could take on a bit of responsibility and that I have an expectation that she pitches in at home. The asking for stuff hasn't stopped, but it's much reduced, and I always ask, Have you got your card with you? My way of saying you can buy that with your money, but I'm not. 9/10 times there's a change of mind! She's set herself up a jar for train fares and she checks it each month to make sure there's enough, she stuck a few quid in her savings jar, this month she's started a holiday money jar, so she's got a few quid especially for that. If another parent pays for something for her (she went to the cinema with a friend the other week and the other Mum got the tickets) she transfers the money to them straight away - it's early days, but a little bit of freedom might just help your girl, even if it's to stumble a bit to begin with, but there again she might surprise you!!
Best of luck OP.

Oh I completely agree with you. My own children constantly beg me to allow them to sleep on the floor of a mud hut in solidarity with those who do not have comfortable beds. Obviously I cannot allow this, after all we must maintain a certain image, mustn't we but I do permit them to send a couple of their carob and chia seed bars over to an orphanage in Addis Ababa from time to time. They also pester me in Waitrose to purchase additional packets of orzo and oolong tea to donate to the food bank.

This is a lovely way to parent, and it teaches awareness that ‘things’ cost money. 🤩

No she doesn't. She sounds like a child. A child that just gets excited about stuff and expresses it. The way she expresses it might be annoying but nowhere near hellish behaviour.

Kids do pester, it means persistent. We have less energy so it makes an impact on the day . As parents we are focused on lots of stuff during the day , such a time restriction, parking, money. All they are focusing on is the prize. Constantly asking is a drain , we were poor growing up so knew not to ask . One of ours would constantly ask he’s still lured in by the dopamine hit of new stuff. Sometimes it’s excitement, sometimes it’s pestering. Setting a time on shopping helps, so time in shops, drink , looking again then lunch. Home time, large gin while locked alone in shed .

You need consistent boundaries, consequences and following through.

With ds when he was younger I would tell him we would get his favourite ice cream when we got to x, if he pestered for something else I would remind him, if he kept pestering he would be told of he asked once more and he wouldnt get the icecream either if he didnt stop.

So by the time he was older he knew the boundaries and not to pester repeatedly.

until they are given, and taught to budget, an allowance you need to teach them not to pester.