Kid has no filter when it comes to wanting and requesting stuff

[Chunkypineapple]

Took my DD11 into town. Within the space of about 3 hours I was asked if she could have Pizza Express, subway, fish and chips, bubble tea, a trip to the American sweetshop, something from some random gift shop, ice cream, bubble tea again, something else from same random shop, mobile phone data...and those are the things I can remember.
All requests denied apart from lunch at pizza Express as that was what the whole family agreed on and an ice cream later at the park.
Kids have had a good half term, they are definitely not lacking but I am also cautious to not give in to every request. I am just so sick of being asked and asked and asked for more stuff. I constantly say no but the fact that I say no does not mean this stops any further requests.

In the end I said look- do you know what you have asked me for in the last few hours and listed it all off, to which she was very defensive and said I need to stop making her feel guilty and that I am always making her feel she is in the wrong. I said that she is not wrong to want things per se, that its natural, but it would be nice if she could think about the bigger picture sometimes. Like, if you've just inhaled an ice cream perhaps asking for a bubble tea straight after is not a good idea.

Aibu to point out the constant nagging for crap?

YANBU to say no, but perhaps its the old "its not what you say but how you say it".

She's saying she now feels bad for the "You've asked for all this stuff. Do you realise how much you've asked for" instead of what could have been "Aww, I'd love to, but we're just stretched this week, we need to make sure we've got enough money to make sure we can go to that nice restaurant tonight that we've all been looking forward to".

She's surely old enough to start understanding about family budgets? That parents would love to spend on all that but don't have unlimited income. If she spends all her pocket money in 30 minutes flat then later in the day you could point out what other things she could have bought as you come across them. And that your family budget is exactly the same as pocket money.

This is just about catching more flies with honey than vinegar (or something!)

My daughter age 12 is like this. I don't think she is spoiled (cos she definitely doesn't get everything she wants!), She has pocket money so I can do the "yes you can buy that with your money if you'd like", we negotiate and we discuss (although not quite in the patronising manner described in an earlier post, I talk to her like an adult) but she will still ask for stuff because life is full of things we want.
I do sometimes have to talk to her about how much she is asking for, but generally I will just manage expectations before a trip ("we'll grab lunch when out, probably McDonald's, but I can't buy you any new clothes today"). And I have no issues with saying no! If she asks for bubble tea after an ice cream I'd just say no, we've had an ice cream!
She will still ask for stuff but I just say no. It doesn't really bother me, she is learning the art of negotiation and sometimes I say yes to stuff so why wouldn't she ask?

I don't feel the need to punish her (or for "consequences") if she just asks if we can have / do something. If she is rude to me when I say no then that might be a different story but she generally accepts it.

What’s she like at home? I’m wondering if it’s not “real” requests but just unconscious chatter: can we have that I want that ooh that looks nice, etc. In town it’s got your back up because days out with kids can be stressful and costly, but does she do it at home too? Eg “can I watch TV I want to go to the park can I have a friend over is it dinner time yet where’s my thingamejig can I have a snack”. She might just need to practice using her filter, or you accept she hasn’t got one, and say no on autopilot without taking it to heart – it’s not a real request, it’s not a real no, it’s just mindless chatter. And pp’s “that would be nice but we won’t” probably better to play on repeat than “no”. After a while you may be able to reply so automatically you can disengage your brain and daydream of being far away.

Is a trip to town a novelty for her? From what the op has written her dd just sounds as though she was over excited.

I wonder if the op's dd is used to "grown-up" conversations about finances and wants?

When dd was 12 or 13 she had a lovely friend whose mum was a single parent and really struggled. The girl wanted nice clothes, art stuff, trips, etc., and her mum ran herself ragged and guilty and ran up credit card bills. I sometimes think the less children have, the more important having stuff becomes.

One of mine is like this, wants just about everything, does my head in and hasn’t really gotten out of it yet!

We have opened a bank account and i transfer money into it every 2 weeks once it’s gone it’s gone…then the can you buy me starts it’s been a draining lesson to try and teach.

Other child asks for next to nothing, saves money and then buys more expensive things (eg a drone at £80)

Yep, brilliant thing to teach an 11 year old girl.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

Sounds like she needs pocket money to learn to budget & prioritise. Give her a decent amount weekly, but that's to cover all the things she 'wants', but you'll continue to pay for lunch out & any 'treats' you OFFER. (Like ice cream in the park if YOU OFFER)

This is good advice. Cut her some slack OP.

Is she sulking if she doesn't get her own way, or is it more a case of she's thinking out loud? My 18 year old colleague is constantly talking about how she could spend her next paycheck, as the idea of having some financial freedom is still a novelty. I think sometimes it's done to open up a conversation, so she can gauge what another adult would consider a sensible use of money.

I want to know this, too.

Persistent asking should have consequences, ask more get less.

We were always told "Those that ask, don't get". (FWIW, we still whinged 😄)

But tell her if she doesn't want to to "make her feel guilty" she can stop whining on. 11 is old enough to realise that money doesn't just magically appear for stuff.

I'm a bit confused. Are you saying after she asked for (and you all subsequently went to) Pizza Express, two minutes later she was still asking for Subway/fish and chips? Or are you saying before a venue for lunch was agreed she listed off a few different things she might like? i.e. options. If the latter, isn't that exactly what adults do all the time?

Excellent response @Chunkypineapple

This bit stood out to me she was very defensive and said I need to stop making her feel guilty and that I am always making her feel she is in the wrong Wow - they learn the deflection route so young don't they.

Glad you have nipped that entitlement in the bud!

It seems that you are waiting until she asks to deal with the problem. Tell her as you walk out of the door.

I looked "bubble tea" up.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bubble_tea

It sounds effing HORRIBLE.

DS was was like that at that age. It used to drive me nuts. In his case it turned out to be ADHD. His head was always racing ahead to the next thing.

I would stick to the pocket money and explain a budget to her- can she help you look at the weekly shop budget for example. It’s an excellent skill to have in life and this is a good opportunity imo!

When you’re out at a shopping centre for example I’d also let her go into shops by herself and stay at the coffee shop that way she can’t ask you and will realise her pocket money will run out v v v fast!!!

Does she have a lot of things at home?? If your house is overflowing with ‘things’ I would have a declutter and try and encourage everyone to live a bit more minimally. Things like jumble sales to show her the value of items and that things shouldn’t just be accumulated and disposed of.. it’s a bit of a problem in our society today tbh. Xx

Children are like that. I deal with it but giving set pocket money. Once it’s gone it’s gone. And before we go on a day out I say “we are buying lunch and one sugary treat and that’s it”. I set expectations early. Anything else they have to save for (including bubble tea!). I also explain I’d love more handbags but can’t afford them

I feel your pain

af having listened to this from all 4 of my children and just losing the will…
Ag the start of each holiday I gave them a small amount of money. As a single parent at the point of first having 4 children, it was never a lot of money.
They were told anything other than a meal, travel and a drink with meal as I was always taking snacks and juice in the pram bag, they had to use their money for. It had to last the week and could be used however they liked but once it was gone. That was it. The first couple of times they spent stupidly and I made them wait until the following spend day. If they wanted cash before they had to earn it. They compiled a list of jobs and prices. Which we used for years and I only have 1 15yr old at home now and he follows the same rules. But still uses the original list used by the other kids. So no rise in inflation for me

I did find once they had control over their own small amount of money they became more aware of spending wisely. It also stopped the constant csn I have, I want….

Giving her a small amount to last a while might help

From the perspective of someone who grew up poorer, not in poverty, but not in abundance, I can assure you that after 4/5yo I learned not to ask because I would get no, and later I picked up was embarrassing my parents.
I heard 'We can't afford it' plenty of times until it sunk in

I personally don’t see the point in going shopping if you’re not going to buy things (window shopping is hell to me!), and it does sound like your dd was hungry and suggesting places to eat.

mine at that age had pocket money (£10 a month), once the money was gone that’s it, no more treats.

the first few months they spent it within a week but once they realised they wouldn’t get more they started to budget or think about what they really wanted.

I disagree with making up reasons like 'a bubble tea and ice cream will make you feel sick' as my parents used to do this.i was then infuriated and indignant as the bullshit reason wasn't a good reason.

Just say 'no, it's not in my budget for today, so stop asking for stuff'. Honest reason, telling her what behaviour you expect, not condescending, teaching her adults have budgets too.

I could not agree with this more.

Years ago my friend that had older children said that ANY time they had an outing she gave her children, from age 5, some money to spend and that was their budget for the day.

It killed completely any requests and it taught them the skills of looking closely at items, and looking for value for money.

The number of times her children didn't spend their budget was enlightening!

It made for very peaceful outings as I never had any of what the OP describes.

I think following her lead has helped all of my children be canny with money.

YANBU. Children are hyper-consumers and have been thus since the dawn of advertising (and probably before). Nowadays it's ramped up tenfold with TikTok and Youtube constantly giving them new things to desire. Your DD thinks every other child gets what they want so is trying it on.

Does she really want 'stuff' or is she just sharing what's caught her eye? My friend's DCs chatter away like that but they don't actually want everything. Really they're just pointing out stuff they like. You've labelled her as having a materialistic streak but I don't think asking for food, drinks or ice cream is materialistic.
What are her friends like? We found when DD had friends who were spoilt, she got into the habit of asking for more because they did it. She changed friendship groups and the requests fell away.

I find it us not often the child that is the problem but the parent. Clear rules and consistency are key.

If you don’t tell her where you are going and when you need to take her requests as suggestions. Tell her you are eating at x time and you have decided on the place (or give the family TWO options to choose from) and she will stop as long as you are consistent on that approach regularly.

If you let her walk around you asking for many different things and eventually get her one she wants, the only thing your DD would have learned is that her constant asking eventually get her something that she wants.

We have exactly the same thing. It helps to set budgets and limits on how many treats but it means I’m almost constantly managing her, which feels like it should be unnecessary at 12. With our DD it’s always food. When we go to the supermarket I sometimes tell her she’s only allowed 3 asks. It doesn’t mean I have to say yes but she can’t ask for anymore.
It feels like an attack to be constantly asked for things every 10 seconds. I’m just trying to think if we have all the ingredients for spag bol and I’m also having to say no about a million times while trying not to be unfair or sound irritated and end up arguing.