Kid has no filter when it comes to wanting and requesting stuff

[Chunkypineapple]

Took my DD11 into town. Within the space of about 3 hours I was asked if she could have Pizza Express, subway, fish and chips, bubble tea, a trip to the American sweetshop, something from some random gift shop, ice cream, bubble tea again, something else from same random shop, mobile phone data...and those are the things I can remember.
All requests denied apart from lunch at pizza Express as that was what the whole family agreed on and an ice cream later at the park.
Kids have had a good half term, they are definitely not lacking but I am also cautious to not give in to every request. I am just so sick of being asked and asked and asked for more stuff. I constantly say no but the fact that I say no does not mean this stops any further requests.

In the end I said look- do you know what you have asked me for in the last few hours and listed it all off, to which she was very defensive and said I need to stop making her feel guilty and that I am always making her feel she is in the wrong. I said that she is not wrong to want things per se, that its natural, but it would be nice if she could think about the bigger picture sometimes. Like, if you've just inhaled an ice cream perhaps asking for a bubble tea straight after is not a good idea.

Aibu to point out the constant nagging for crap?

My 11 year old can be like this or if a friend or sibling has something she doesn’t. Even say a bag of bloody Doritos. It’s like an extreme fomo of everything and everyone.

I’ve started telling her, the more you ask me
for things the less I want to give you.

My boy was never like this though. You’d have to basically force him to pick something in a shop because you where trying to treat them all.

My response to any request is famously ‘yes of course you can have that darling, that’s what your pocket money is for’. If they’ve spent all their pocket money that’s their problem.

After a couple of years all I had to say was ‘yes of course’ and they got the point. Interestingly, even when they have pocket money they very rarely want something if they have to buy it themselves!

I often thought about getting mine tshirts with 'Can I have?' written across the front.

I'm so glad you're teaching her.

My friends kids were like this from the moment we got anywhere until we left and we all got fed up of them by the time they were 12 and I'll be honest we didn't think too highly of the kids. And they weren't always included in group activities either because of the whinging and demanding from dawn til dusk. Although wasn't their fault because they were actually spoilt.

Before you go out I'd say "we are having a pizza express and then before we come home you can choose either an ice cream or sweets."

What worked when my ds asked me the same question over and over was we had a 3 strikes and you're out rule.

"Can I have"
"Yes"
"Asks for same thing"
"I've already said yes"
"Asks again"
"Sorry - but it's a no this time"

"But you said yes"

"I did. But when you ask me the same question again you've given me the opportunity to change my mind - which I have" (and then it stayed no for that occasion)

Only took ds a few times if doing it to stop himself by at least the 2nd time of asking!!!!

But pocket money is good because you can say "if you have your money on you you can buy what you want"

Set the expectation you aren't paying so they don't ask you to pay!

The trip was something we do very often as we live in the countryside. It was to go to the library, park and grab a bite to eat.
To those whom have said it is unfair that I have listed places my DD suggested for lunch as they are alternatives. That's not quite correct. My DD will literally ask for one place, then 2 mins later ask for another place. But that's a different matter. She can't go past a shop without asking for x,y or z. I continuously say no. Sometimes it's the fact that I say no too much that is the issue.

I think what is aggravating is that it's so unconscious. I certainly don't expect an 11 year old to have the same approach to money as a a 41 year old but I would love to think she is capable of weighing up requests sometimes.

I am very cautious to not induce shame. I am also very cautious of the language I use eg) this is too expensive. If it's a rip off I'll say it but I don't want to create limiting beliefs around money either.

All I want is to say no less!

I mean we DONT do very often.

I think you need to be careful. My niece got caught up on money and asking for things. She was always worried about being greedy, for example when she was 11, she was my bridesmaid. She was really anxious about buying the sandals for her outfit (her dress was the same as the adult bridemaids, so she didn't really get much say in that).

We found some lovely silver flat sandals that she liked and we thought were appropriate for a wedding. But she was anxious because they were £40. We had to basically tell her that her job as a bridesmaid was to wear expensive stuff and look nice for photos.

Apparently, her parents had told her to be careful when out with family members that she didn't ask for expensive stuff when they said they'd treat her and she took that to heart a bit literally.

I think the poster who said "maybe a bubble tea after an ice cream might make us feel sick but we can have that as our treat next time" is spot on. One meal with a family discussion about what and when, then one "treat/pudding" is a good rule, I'm just about getting there with my almost 5 year old. And I do tend to threaten no treats when he starts to badger me with demands.

Similar here too. Especially the "more stuff doesn't = more happiness comment!

OP my 9 year old is like this, drives me insane. I get round it by setting out exactly how the day is going to go prior to leaving including what we are doing, where we are eating and whether or not we will be getting an ice cream for example if applicable. Then I remind him that he is not to ask for X/Y/Z and if he does I will ignore the request.

Then if he nags, I just remind him once by replying "I've told you what we're doing today" / "we've already discussed this" or just "no" then ignore any further comments. This definitely works for us (to a point!).

I've also found that the more low key the day / week is, the less nagging I hear.

This works wonderfully if you have one child. Multiply it up a few times and I can almost guarantee you will have run out of reasoning ability before you get to number four, if they are ALL doing it.

That.

My eldest GD is almost 12, NEVER asks for anything from mum, dad, or us. I think OP's kid sounds spoilt

I can also recommend this technique, I use it too!

But there IS a limit to money isn't there OP?

If you are actually loaded and she knows it, I can see how it becomes a harder argument to have. I have met quite a few very spoilt teenagers of rich parents, it's like if they don't have the "not enough money" argument to deploy some people run out of ideas.

"No it's a complete waste of money" "you've already spent all your pocket money - you can save up for one next month" or "you've eaten enough junk today" are all very good reasons too!

Mine were very interested in buying things if they thought I was going to pay for it, but if they were going to have to pay for it themselves they often decided that it wasn't something they were quite so interested in after all!

She will ask because she has no way of doing those things she wishes to do without your involvement. If she doesn’t ask she won’t get.

Give her a budget and set a plan before you go.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat - it's very time consuming I agree but it does work with more than one child. Older children, you can just say, I'd love it if our budget ran to that but as you know it doesn't - you can choose one treat - what will it be?

My 16 year old with learning disabilities has known from about 11 or 12 you have some money e.g. pocket money, then you spend it on what you want, but then it is gone. I would pay for lunch and a drink, but DSwould not ask for anything else. He might say he likes some trainers he sees or a T shirt. I just gently point out how much clothing allowance he has left and then ask him if he has enough for trainers or T shirt. If the answer is no, I just ask him how much more money he needs to save from clothing allowance to get it. Sometimes he can work it out sometimes I have to help him. Sometimes he will have enough. It is on a card for him. He very rarely spends all his pocket money in a week and just leaves it lying around the house or sometimes will put it in his money box. He gets £11 a week. I pay for his lunches on a lunch card at college that cost £5 a day but that covers lunch with drink and another drink later because he has to wait half an hour each day until I can collect him so he goes and gets a drink whilst waiting. What is bubble tea? I have never heard of it.

We have other kids, we constantly negotiate. So "having bubble tea and ice cream is going to make you feel very sick darling. Choose one" is standard practice.

It's this constant stream of unconscious requests. There seems no solution! I would say she is more like it than the others. Time will tell. She's not particularly spoilt. She just has a very materialistic streak!

We went to a birthday party at Claire's accessories recently. All of the kids got a voucher to spend as part of the party. They were all going around the shop going 'whaaaat! That's so expensive!' 🤣 it's different when it's their own money.

OP, I don’t quite understand your follow up comments about alternatives. If you’ve actually just had fish and chips will your DD still want Pizza Express two minutes later? If so, that need for food may be a different type of problem.

But if she is just asking for say, PE, two minutes after you’ve said no to fish and chips, maybe she’s hungry. She’s either in puberty or about to be, with her body preparing for a growth spurt if not already in the midst of one.

Discussing the structure of the day with her ahead of time might help. Offer some control. ‘First we’re going to the library. If you finish early you can research restaurants on the computer. Everyone needs to finish up by 12.30 and then we will go to lunch.’

You have all my sympathy around DD’s constant requests that you buy her crap, but I agree with PPs that pocket money is the answer here.

I think that's when you just tell her, darling i'm sorry but you constantly asking for stuff is driving me a bit mad and I'm afraid if it happens next time we're in town we'll not be getting anything. You can recce the shops and then ask at x o'clock for 1/2/3 things you want - and we'll see what's doable. BUt not the constant stream of requests.

Another technique i use is say "that looks cool, would be a great gift, lets take a photo"

my camera roll is full of the kids holding up toys and books and stuff they find cool, and close to birthdays and christmas we see if they have mentioned them again, if they are still relevant interests and sometimes do get them as a surprise

Following!

DS7 always spends his allowance the minute he gets it.

I had to leave the zoo early with him at the weekend because he got so fixated on something he wanted at the gift shop, which I had said No to.

I spoke to him about it afterwards and we agreed it would have been helpful for me to remind him I wasn't getting him anything before we decided to go to the zoo (I am aware he is obsessed with gift shops).

Sometimes I can also make him understand it's not worth it by comparing it to something he could get if he had the money (he has more of a sense of the value of money when imagining things he might choose to spend it on).

E.g. 'it would be expensive to do that. this is a thing to think about not an offer of money but if you had the choice would you rather do this $20 activity or have $20 to spend at the toy shop?'

My kids were like that in primary so before we went out we decided where we'd eat lunch. Then when they bagged for stuff I flipped it onto them. They were welcome to use their pocket money on X which often changed their mind. Maybe you need to tell dd that she can buy an ice cream or bubble tea with her pocket money so it helps drive the message that maybe she should hold onto money for these outings.
As for the treat later I might allow her to choose bubble tea or ice cream but like a younger child I would spell out when we'd get them so there was no nagging about when.

I was allowed no treats when out yes as family we had cups of tea rolls etc but no toys unless Christmas money. Holidays or days out the smallest treat they could get away with.

I would say....we are not having treats today,......you have X to spend on ice cream, sweets or a toy, lunch is X or y .....before we go out....I also tell children not to ask for treats if I'm buying I will offer if I don't offer we are not having them. Take your pick.