Kid has no filter when it comes to wanting and requesting stuff

[Chunkypineapple]

Took my DD11 into town. Within the space of about 3 hours I was asked if she could have Pizza Express, subway, fish and chips, bubble tea, a trip to the American sweetshop, something from some random gift shop, ice cream, bubble tea again, something else from same random shop, mobile phone data...and those are the things I can remember.
All requests denied apart from lunch at pizza Express as that was what the whole family agreed on and an ice cream later at the park.
Kids have had a good half term, they are definitely not lacking but I am also cautious to not give in to every request. I am just so sick of being asked and asked and asked for more stuff. I constantly say no but the fact that I say no does not mean this stops any further requests.

In the end I said look- do you know what you have asked me for in the last few hours and listed it all off, to which she was very defensive and said I need to stop making her feel guilty and that I am always making her feel she is in the wrong. I said that she is not wrong to want things per se, that its natural, but it would be nice if she could think about the bigger picture sometimes. Like, if you've just inhaled an ice cream perhaps asking for a bubble tea straight after is not a good idea.

Aibu to point out the constant nagging for crap?

Same here! It’s a good idea to get them to understand that things cost money - if you start at this age you will hopefully avoid teenage issues with money.

I think I would laugh and say "all of that in one trip? Someone's going to be very sick. Why not choose one or two of those?"

you took her into town to the shops…and are annoyed she asked you money to buy things? What did you expect her to do in ‘town’

That sounds ghastly. She asks because you sometimes say yes. Stop being the gatekeeper and you will stop having to open the gate.

When I was a child only ice cream and fish and chips were available in the OP's opening post but if I wanted something or go somewhere my mother would say "ask your father". When I asked my Dad with the same request my Dad would say "ask your mother ". I quickly learned this meant no so I would just give up asking.

Normally I’d be on a thread like this recommending clearer communication. I’m very specific in setting out expectations with my dc. I assume that if they’re doing something I don’t like, it’s probably because there’s something they’re not aware of and I spell it out.

But since I’ve discovered that I’m neurodivergent, and that I grew up with neurodivergent parents and friends, it has helped me understand that there is a whole culture of subtlety alongside this. And that clarity of communication with children is probably hampering them from learning the intricacies of reading the room.

I used to be baffled why dh would get flustered when we went out as a family and the dc would ask for lots of things. Where I’d say, “right our budget is £100, and it costs £50 in tickets, and lunch will be £20 so that leaves us with enough for 3 or 4 of the paid rides and an ice cream or treat”, he wants to have the flexibility to indulge the dc if his heart strings are pulled just right.
And I can nearly understand a bit of this, but when it sets everyone up for frustrations and disappointments I just want to jump in with my sledge hammer style of communication.

Then there is your answer, of course you can have xyz dear, but you need to pay for it yourself out of your pocket money because that is what it’s for.

I think the other thing I would be thinking about is the frequency with which she receives pocket money.

Does she currently get it monthly, or weekly? If she's still at the stage of spending it as soon as she gets it, you might need to move back to weekly pocket money, and possibly add an incentive (like interest) in for saving your money up - to create a scenario that incentivises the behaviour you want (holding onto pocket money until you see something you Really Want, rather than frittering on bubble tea).

Another thought - could she do some paid ‘work’ to help her understand the value and cost of things? Maybe chores at home or in the garden etc. It would give her the opportunity to earn more and have more to spend so would give her control over her spending and earning. It would help learn the time / money / budgeting lessons aswell xo

You worded this much better than me

we have two kids.

We called them “i want” and “can I have”.

they got the message. Now they think. Great kids but sometimes you have to plant seeds rather than telling them what to think.

Aibu to point out the constant nagging for crap?

If you think her nagging is bad now just wait until she’s in her 40s!

A trip into town at 11 is a nice trip though? Library, lunch in pizza restaurant and park. It sounds like a nice day and age appropriate to me.
I’d just be clear in advance what is planned and if she wants anything else bring her spending money.

My friend has a daughter exactly the same. It's utterly draining to go out with them. The stuff she's bought is complete junk (food) and/or tat and most of it never even makes it home before it's broken, bits lost and interest pales.

We only go with them now to places like a remote beach, country park where there's a ice cream place at best. I've become quite the expert!

Both mine learnt not to ask, or keep begging for things while we were out but it did take time. I would explain how much things are, and that they could have one treat or if the budget didn’t run to it then nothing that time other than lunch out or an ice cream. Often the things are just impulse purchases that they don’t really want anyway.

Mine are teens now and my dd (14) is very mindful of how much things are even when she comes food shopping with me, and doesn’t ask for lots of extras.

There is nothing worse than a kid that has never heard the word no before..

To quote a favourite MN motto 'No is a complete sentence'. I even have a T shirt with 'no' written on it that I explain to DD is my favourite word and parenting motto. If you're a broken record saying 'no' repeatedly then they do get the message. (I obviously do buy my DD stuff sometimes, but make it clear before a trip what is on offer and what isn't, and anything not pre-agreed is what her pocket money is for (but even then I reserve the right to say no if it's e.g. massive or harmful.))

I had one like that. It was wearing by the time they were 12. I took a hard line, lay out exactly what I was willing to do. In this case, lunch and an ice cream later. If we were with others and they asked for something else, no ice cream. If we were alone, we just went home after the first request. Brutal but only had to do it a couple of times.

When my two were younger, during holidays home or away it was a 1 fizzy drink + 1 ice cream or treat per day. And they pretty much always kept to it.
It meant that apart from the cost it also stopped them from eating crap all day.

They're very much grown up but still joke about when we go away together.

My sister and I used to do this as kids. It was because we never knew what my mum would say yes to, it always seemed arbitrary. So we would just ask for everything that looked even vaguely good in the hope we’d get something.

It drove our mum bonkers too, so one day when we were around 10 she told us she had a set amount of money for the day out, she wasn’t going to say no but once the money was gone, that was it and we’d just have to do free stuff for the rest of the day. (I presume she would have said no if we’d asked for cigarettes or a knife or something). I think we tested her out the first time, I vividly remember getting a tacky kiss-me-quick type hat on a day trip to the seaside and feeling a bit miffed DM had actually bought it! But after that we were more thoughtful and didn’t just ask for things because they were there. My sister and I were similar in age, and I think my mum handled the ensuring one of us didn’t hog things by splitting the money between us, so I had X to direct spending over and my sister had the same. I could see this being harder if you have several kids who are more different.

Tbf I'm exactly the same, but it's all in my head and I say no to myself. It still happens.

At 11 she hasn't learned that skill yet, plus she doesn't have the control and finances that an adult does so she expresses those wants to the person that does .

It could help to preempt some of this by setting the expectations at home. So we're doing x,y,z then lunch at pizza express , then do a,b,c and we'll have an ice cream for a treat. If she asks for subway /fish and chips etc it's "no, we're having pizza for lunch remember?" . If she asks for bubble tea you remind her about the ice cream. Or give her the choice she can have bubble tea now, but no ice cream later. Then stick with is. If she kicks off, you just remind her it was her choice and then move on. A few reminders during the trip wouldn't hurt either like "after the library we're stopping for pizza " , "should we have ice cream now or after we go into this shop".

My DS is like this; he has ADHD and is endlessly seeking dopamine 🤣 now I understand this better, I don’t feel he is being bratty or demanding, he just doesn’t realise. I’ve learned to manage expectations by being really clear beforehand what’s on offer!

Having the same thing with my 10 year old!!
I am wondering if it’s because I said yes to everything during lock down and after because I felt sorry for her being caged in!!
just say no and give hugs- this seems to be working for me this week!

It’s incredibly popular atm, my 11yo loves it, half of her friends love it, the other half love the prime drinks, I’d rather pay for the tea.

I’d try 1,2,3 Magic, and just count her for it. It’s a great parenting book with a strong strategy for persistent “stop” behaviors.

Pocket money has been great for our 4yo, she’ll regularly say, “mummy I know this (insert piece of tat) won’t be in your budget for today, but I might want to use my allowance, how much is it?” Then will almost always say, oh no, I don’t want to spend that much and move on. Unless it’s a REALLY cheap piece of tat then she’ll sometimes decide to buy it.

We are also a well off family but will
talk a lot about budget etc and the default is that we don’t buy treats/extras when out, DC is aware most of her toys come from Buy Nothing and we give them away when she’s done etc. I would usually say “it isn’t in my budget for today” or if we were planning to get an ice cream I might pre-empt a request with “it is in my budget today to get a cookie or an ice cream, but we don’t have the budget for sprinkles, which would you like?” Before we went to the toy store to get a gift for someone I’d usually say, we’re going to get a present for xxxx and I don’t have a budget for other toys, but would you like to bring your allowance?

Pizza, ice-cream, and a drink seems pretty standard for a meal out to me. nth-ing the many people who have pointed out that the 'incessant demands' you list are just her suggesting lunch options, which seems perfectly reasonable if you've set the expectation that you're going out for lunch.