Kid has no filter when it comes to wanting and requesting stuff

[Chunkypineapple]

Took my DD11 into town. Within the space of about 3 hours I was asked if she could have Pizza Express, subway, fish and chips, bubble tea, a trip to the American sweetshop, something from some random gift shop, ice cream, bubble tea again, something else from same random shop, mobile phone data...and those are the things I can remember.
All requests denied apart from lunch at pizza Express as that was what the whole family agreed on and an ice cream later at the park.
Kids have had a good half term, they are definitely not lacking but I am also cautious to not give in to every request. I am just so sick of being asked and asked and asked for more stuff. I constantly say no but the fact that I say no does not mean this stops any further requests.

In the end I said look- do you know what you have asked me for in the last few hours and listed it all off, to which she was very defensive and said I need to stop making her feel guilty and that I am always making her feel she is in the wrong. I said that she is not wrong to want things per se, that its natural, but it would be nice if she could think about the bigger picture sometimes. Like, if you've just inhaled an ice cream perhaps asking for a bubble tea straight after is not a good idea.

Aibu to point out the constant nagging for crap?

I don’t have an 11yo, to be fair, but I have taught them for 20 years. They tend to forget/not realise that everything essential costs money, and that adults don’t just get their salary and go and have an amazing time buying everything they want! But they should be mature enough to absorb that by now. I can see a lot of 11yo’s responding to this kind of approach:
‘It’s so tempting when loads of things you like are all around you, isn’t it? The thing is, the shops and restaurants get really clever people to make everything look good so that you feel like you want it all there and then. That’s because they all want to make money. The trouble is, if we bought everything that looked good, there would be no money left for the things we need, so we have to make choices. I know it seems like everyday food just appears in the fridge, and like the house is just warm enough in winter because it is, and that we all have coats and shoes and transport to get to places, but those things all have a price, just like Bubble Tea does. The minute any of those things started to reduce, you would really notice it, and the money we have as a household needs to be handled right so that all those things are guaranteed.
Out of all the things you saw today, does any of it still feel important enough to spend limited money on, or have you kind of forgotten about some of it now that it’s not there in front of you? What could we do differently next time we’re out shopping so that you can filter out the stuff that’s just there to tempt money out of you, and maybe focus on one treat that really feels worth it?

Get her to make some suggestions, and make some yourself. Writing things that she wants to ask you for onto a list instead, with prices, and adding the total up as she goes would be interesting. Then when she has a final amount you could tell her something she takes for granted that costs about the same, like ‘That’s a month’s heating in the coldest part of the year’ or whatever. It would help her see that nothing is free.

Also, don’t forget that town is like that. It is specifically designed to make you want to buy shit. Probably even more so if she’s not used to it. Loads of grownups go to town and buy loads of crap they don’t need coz they can’t resist.

I buy DS pretty much whatever he wants. We got fuck all in the seventies and I love getting him the stuff that makes him happy, even though it's not mostly to my taste.

I don't always say yes but if my 12 year old wanted to sit and eat ice cream with me I'd be chuffed to bits and get him his choice.

He's lovely with his friends, they all chip in and cover anyone who doesn't have any money to spend. I doubt I'm turning him into a raging narcissist.

My first thought (which has already been mentioned but I will repeat it anyway) is that on trips out, you could give her a designated amount of pocket money for her to spend. Therefore she has all the choice she wants on where her money is spent, what she can get and what she can do. If she wants to spend all of her money on one thing or in one place, that's her choice. If she wants to spread it across lots of places or lots of things, that's her choice. If she wants to spend some and save some for next time, that's also her choice. It means that the choice is given to her so she doesn't have to ask, but she also understands the value of money and the fact it can't stretch on forever and it is always limited. Also make it very clear that what you give her is all she gets and once the money is gone for that shopping trip, it doesn't get topped up again the same day.

This can be used as a learning opportunity about the value of money and it'll help her consider what to spend money on (does she actually need it etc) to stop her running out of money within the first 30 minutes. This can then lead to budgeting: "DD, you have £30 for the whole of today's trip. You wanted to go to Pizza Hut - that usually costs £x amount leaving £x left" etc. She might ask for less from you if she feels more in control about the small amount of money she's been given to spend wherever she likes. It was over a decade ago but my DM used to give me £3 for the bus and £15 for when I went shopping with my friends in town. We didn't go often but when we did, my god did we make that £15 stretch as far as possible. I can still remember the serious calculations in the isle of a sweet shop figuring out if we'd still have enough for a new Charlie bodyspray if we bought x amount of sweets! It certainly taught us to hunt for bargains.

Agree.

Why did you go?
Did you go to cinema or bowling,.or for a specific reason.

Or just to look at shops?

I'm not surprised if you're walking looking into windows of shops they might talk about what they want from that shop

I’m in the same boat!
it really winds me up.
Following this post

My 9 year old always wants everything and tbh it drains the life out of me.

We live near a train station, so he sees a train and wants to go on a train trip, kids at his school have smart phones so he wants those (he has a dumb phone), we walk past a chippy he wants chips.

Even if he spies snacks in my bag and I say "keep it quiet for the younger two, I want to give them later when we're at X" he won't stfu and ends up winding up the younger two.

Yesterday we went to the playground, he went out to play with his friend who then came to our house for a couple of hours. Pretty good day you'd think, but still whinging about stuff he wants.🙄

We go shopping so infrequently that my dd can be a bit like this too, it's all just so glossy and exciting. I can remember as a child watching live TV and all the adverts....something that rarely happens in my house these days due to streaming...but I used to constantly be asking my parents for this toy or that toy and I just have driven them crazy. I think just remind her of what you have spent on her recently and remind her you need to pay the bills etc. I'm sure she will grow out of it. Sometimes, I will say to my daughter not today if its a request to go in a cafe or do an activity but then suggest she puts it on her summer holiday list of things to do.

One of mine used to be like this when he was much younger, money would burn a whole in his pocket as my granny would say. We explicitly talked about the concept of window shopping, going in and looking at things for enjoyment and thinking about what you might want to buy next time etc.. or weighing up benefits of one thing over another. (Other child got this intuitively as is a tight wad like his mother). You have had lots of good tips about pocket money etc, and in particular about nudging the language - so you can share the enjoyment of looking at things and engage in interests with out it being a constant nag. I realised my DS constant requests in many ways more of a ‘look at this’. We also went through a phase of taking pictures! If going into town isn’t very common - she maybe hasn’t had as much practice to learn the rules of shopping. My older one just got it, number two needed to be taught. He’s now (13) good fun to spend a day in town with.

Some children are naturally more "wanty" than others.

My eldest never did this all that much but my youngest - definitely. He's coming up for 12 now and growing out of it. He will still ask for things - he just loves to buy something and feels like a trip is incomplete if we don't - but his requests are more modest now. He knows if he's had a drink or icecream then there won't be any other treats. He gets £20 a month and if he sees something in a gift shop he can buy it himself. Interestingly he is not bad at saving up for things.

But when he was under 11 if we went in a gift shop he would be nagging us to buy something really just for the sake of it.

My dc weren't and aren't like this at all (I don't know why). But as with all behaviours you want to stop, you need to train them out of it by making sure the behaviour isn't rewarded. As previous posters have said, give pocket money and when it's gone it's gone! There is no need for negotiation and sugar-coating your responses. Just "No - you've already had ice cream" is fine.

I used to head off the requests by setting expectations before we started the trip. At Disney - I told them, at the end of every ride there will be a shop - you can have a look but you will not be getting anything from that shop, so please do not ask - at the end of our holiday I will give you money and you can buy some Disney stuff if you want. Despite having 4 kids with us (we were travelling with another couple) not once did we get asked to buy them Disney crap.
Used to do the same on playdates - I'd say when I come to pick you up, we go. No another 5 minutes, no tantrums, we just go - agreed? - Consequences - you will not be going on another playdate.

Cannot be doing with whiney kids.

She’s 11 and this behaviour sis beginning to be quite immature. She needs to start being a bit more aware. Maybe give her a budget for snacks/treats for the day?

I don’t understand what the big deal is? 🤷🏻‍♀️
She asks for stuff (normal) and you as a parent say no or not today (also normal).

Teenagers can be just as bad. We've been burgled and it paid us to take the vouchers, rather than the discount for the cash option. We'd agreed to buy our kids an expensive watch each for their 21st birthdays with the voucher.

At the moment, there's an offer where you get a £200 bang and olufsen speaker with each watch. Which I'd planned to sell to offset some of the cost. On the way up to London for a treat/break from gcse revision, my 16 year old spent the whole journey complaining that he wanted the speaker and I was being mean (he had a speaker but he lost it, as with a lot of his stuff).

Arrived in London, gave him £10, pointed him to McDonalds and had the promised dinner at the Ivy on my own. That type of spoilt and ungrateful behaviour drives me up the wall.

Even after all the requests and you noting there was a problem, she got lunch at Pizza Express and an ice cream.

What is a limiting belief about money? I often tell me kids 'no we can't afford it' or 'it's a silly price'. Is that the wrong thing to say? it is the truth.

Why would you not say something is too expensive or want to use limiting language around money? Perhaps that is part of the issue. Its healthy to have limits. Its healthy to recognise when something is too expensive either for the budget or just in terms of value. Otherwise your child will grow up thinking there is no limit and you don't know for sure what their budget as an adult will be. Fine if they end up super well off. Less fine if they don't.

I earn very well and have quite a bit of surplus to the bills budget a month. There are plenty of times my daughter will ask for something and I could actually buy it. But I make a point of saying no if I think she's had too much or its unnecessary/no reason to buy it and I will tell her why. If something isn't good value I will tell her and explain why I think that/what we could get for similar money. I take photos of items she really likes to remember for her birthday/Xmas list if she still likes them which stops the asking. I relate items requested and how much they cost to the fact I work so much so that she understands. And I give her money when we go to fetes/trips out which she has in her own purse to make small decisions about money. She is asked her opinion on things we could do in a day if going out and we decide together. Shes only 3 but hopefully this will all help her to learn that money isn't infinite and be in a better position than some of my peers who weren't taught and ended up in debt at 18/19.

Then it’s up to you to teach her about money, impulse control and the costs of things.

My DDs 9 & 11 have their own pocket money, they can spend it on what they want but once it’s gone it’s gone. They have learnt to get things they really want is to save it. They know I will feed them including buying food when out, but it’s on my terms I,e what I can afford, they can ask for pizza express but I will say not today, we don’t have much money this month so it’s sausage rolls while out. If they moan they get the look 😠 with a “seriously”, they have been told about money, what things costs, they know how much they get compared to other children, sometimes they forget so need a little reminding, but on the most part they are good and realise they can’t keep asking for things.

This month is really tight, I told them yesterday that treats will be down, no McDonald’s or trips to the ice cream shop as we just can’t afford it this month. They have money in their go Henry accounts so if they want treats other than what’s in the house they will have to use that. They get it because I’ve been consistently teaching them the costs of things and that money isn’t infinite.

Looking at your list - the majority of things she asked for were food.

You said the normal trip is “library, park and meal out”, so it’s the norm on these trips is to buy her food. Was she hungry?! (11 year olds are often growing and suddenly hungry a lot)

if you have set the precedent that pocket money is for “stuff” but treat food - meal and icecreams etc - is something you do buy her, then her working out that it’s not ok to ask for specific food items when she knows you will be buying her treat food is not an easy thing for her to balance.

You need to set your expectations clearly, and you haven’t. When you give pocket money, it’s for treats. If she wants to spend it in one go, that’s fine, but then won’t be bought more stuff. Give her the opportunity to earn more money via household jobs if she does want more things. Before you go on your trip, be clear you will buy a meal in a restaurant cafe, do they want to discuss before you go where you’ll go? So then requests for fish and chips could be “instead of pizza express? Does everyone want to change the lunch plan?”

but make sure she’s had a really good breakfast before you go out, take a snack if need be, if she’s not hungry, she’s less likely to ask for snacks.

CosyKnits

We expect so much more from children than we do from other adults and it's weird

This is absolutely spot on !

Some of you sound very controlling, and in some causes quite mean and spiteful.

Children are not little adults, they are children , their brains are not fully developed and they are learning their way in the world, a little bit of patience and compassion can go a long way.

Lol! 😂

Did you act like this when you were Eleven?!

I didn't and neither did/do any of my children,nieces or nephews.

Some children are like this! One of mine is. Lack of impulse control. He may have ADHD or it may just be him. My MiL is the same in many ways. Can't stop acquiring.

It's normal. It's irritating. I say no. He has his own money. It gets spent so much faster than his siblings.

Saying that, if he doesn't see it, he doesn't ask as much. So he can entertain himself in other ways, it's just when he sees something his brain says I want that!

I feel like thats why you start pocket money at an earlier age. So kids learn that when they spend it all:its spent

Your daughter needs to learn it.

Next time give her more advance update perhaps.
Stating youll go for a day to the library and park in 2 weeks so if she want to buy things when you are out,she needs to save her pocket money for a bit.

Maybe even explain youll only go out for lunch (paid by you) but if she wanted icecream or anything else: she would need to bring her pocket money.

She sounds entitled.
Like my kid used to be. He was 6 and constantly asked for things when out It drove me nuts . Ive put a halt to him by saying he is allowed to a certain amount of "can we go here/buy this" questions. And if he keeps asking it shuts the door to anything else automatically.

He learned quickly 🤣