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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Let adult children stay at my house when away

217 replies

Bilbo1237 · 31/05/2023 08:46

Ok I will keep it short.
19 year old son left home for his job.
we have a good relationship no other issues.
he has asked if he can stay at home ( my house) whist I’m on holiday with his gf….more creature comforts at mine
I have said no, I would dream of going to my parents whilst they were away and there house has even more creature comforts than mine.
I like my house super tidy when I get back from a holiday and I know it wouldn’t be.

OP posts:
NannyGythaOgg · 02/06/2023 19:22

Definitely not being unreasonable.

I have an adult son and daughter. My daughter would never ask to stay, but if she did I would let her without a qualm. I know she would respect the space and I, if anything, would come home to a cleaner house than I left.

My son, who I love every bit as much as his sister, no way. He borrows things and doesn't look after them. He wouldn't clean up after himself at all - all his mess, washing up, dirty floor, etc, would all be left for me to come home to.

It's your home, he has moved out - keep it that way.

It would be different if he had no place to live (and even then I'd be reluctant), but he clearly does.

firsttimemum1230 · 02/06/2023 19:41

Mum lets me and I’d let my daughter in years to come but it’s your house.

2ndMrsdeWinter · 02/06/2023 19:46

I have a family member who lives in a beautiful part of the country. We will be staying there for a night or two whilst they are away. They are happy for me to dkk ok so. I will leave them a gift for their return as a thank you. They wouldn’t dream of not putting us up and I wouldn’t dream of making a mess.

willWillSmithsmith · 02/06/2023 19:56

I would let my son and his gf stay at mine but that doesn’t mean everyone would be ok with doing the same. I trust my son and gf they’re both very decent (and reasonably tidy) people. How has he responded?

willWillSmithsmith · 02/06/2023 20:02

TwilightBee · 01/06/2023 16:13

I think my mum would find it really really weird and suspicious if I asked if I could stay at her house while I was away. I have my own house and from the sounds of your OP so does your son.

If he lives in a houseshare I could totally understand why he would really like to stay at your house. That’s completely different.

If he has his own house I do find it odd that he would ask if you’d never said anything about not wanting to leave your house empty.

He’s only nineteen so I’d be surprised if he had his own house (but maybe he does🤷‍♀️). I know I wouldn’t say no because my relationship with my son runs far deeper than the material things I have in my home (and he’s not destructive). There would be some rules and a list and texts though but he’d be ok with that.

Cantrushart · 02/06/2023 20:06

Funny. DD Lives in an inner-city shared house and it's currently holidaying at my house in the leafy suburbs. Meanwhile, I'm staying at MiL's house in rural Scotland, while she is holidaying at a family members house in Europe. Not sure where they are.

sarah419 · 02/06/2023 20:11

if you would dream of doing the same at your parents why would you deprive your son? Just condition that he hands it back in the same condition (tidy, clean etc)

mainsfed · 02/06/2023 20:13

No, if he can’t be trusted to leave your place as you left it then he shouldn’t be allowed to stay.

melj1213 · 02/06/2023 20:58

I'm mid 30s and still love staying at my parents house when they go away.

I mostly do it as they need a pet sitter and of my siblings I am the one who can do so easily (I only have one child who spends every other week with her dad, whereas they are all in family units with multiple children) but I love to do it because of the luxury of the space.

I live with DD in a tiny 1st floor 2 bed town centre flat with absolutely zero outside space (not even a balcony). My parents live in a large 5 bed semi detached house with large front and back gardens as well as a bar at the bottom of the garden (large summer house with massive TV, cinema sofas and full bar/fridge etc).

I love my home as it does suit my needs 90% of the time but sometimes I wish I had a bit more space, or somewhere to sit outside on a nice day etc

When my parents go away I will happily move in to house and pet sit. I'm currently house sitting for them this week - I have been able to sit out in the garden in the lovely weather; teen DD has been able to have a few friends round to hang out in the garden and then have a movie evening in the "bar" (with my parents permission); there's been space in the house for DD to sit in one room and watch a film while I watched something else etc and it's just heaven to have so much space that we aren't constantly either on top of each other or relegated to our rooms if you want some alone time (eg in our flat you can't have two people in the kitchen at once as it's too cramped, at my parents you can have five people cooking, another four sitting at the table and another couple doing the washing up and there's still enough space for a brass band to parade through ...)

T1Dmama · 02/06/2023 21:00

No you’re not being unreasonable.
unless you have a cat or plants you want looking after then why would you want someone else staying in your house while you’re away?!
m When we were teens we weren’t even allowed to stay at our house while my parents were away (and we still lived at home!).. mainly because my parents couldn’t truest my older brother not to
have friends over and trash something!!….

but no… it’s your house, he’s moved out and shouldn’t be staying at your house while you’re not there unless it’s convenient to you

Paperlate · 02/06/2023 22:04

T1Dmama · 02/06/2023 21:00

No you’re not being unreasonable.
unless you have a cat or plants you want looking after then why would you want someone else staying in your house while you’re away?!
m When we were teens we weren’t even allowed to stay at our house while my parents were away (and we still lived at home!).. mainly because my parents couldn’t truest my older brother not to
have friends over and trash something!!….

but no… it’s your house, he’s moved out and shouldn’t be staying at your house while you’re not there unless it’s convenient to you

What? They are not just 'someone else' He is her son and that's his family home. Your family sounds bloody odd if you were not allowed to stay in your home while your parents were away. Where did you go?

croydon15 · 02/06/2023 22:11

Seems very mean at 19 your home should still be is home and

Bellabeemarie · 02/06/2023 22:11

I'm 33 and have four children, my parents are away for the weekend in july 3rd and 4th weekend of july actually and weve been asked to dog sit, usually if the kids are at school my dad will drop the dog to us ( we live 55 miles away in a different city) but kids are off for the summer holiday so they've asked would we prefer to have the dog at theirs, they have a gated front garden the kids can play out in and they love staying at nan & grandad so weve said yes ( we also go and visit at the half term I actually just got back this week after staying 2 nights we have our own rooms at their house my room is my old room i had growing up 😍☺️ so plenty of space and they always make sure the cupboards are full and weve got everything we need ( not that its expected because we would sort our own stuff but they like doing it and they see it as us doing them a favour not having to pay a kennel ect)

It's like a break away from our home and my parents love knowing their daughter and familys at their home ❤

But having said that I always always make sure the night before when the kids are in bed everywhere is spotless, and i change all bedding in the morning remake the beds wash and dry bedding and put it away and make sure they have fresh bread and milk for getting home.

I plan on doing the same with my children when were older and away from home I hope they will come and have a break away from their " home " now again again and I'll fill the fridge and cupboards with their favourite foods xx

drspouse · 02/06/2023 22:14

I recently stayed at my dad's house while he was away. We were due to have one lunch together on his return before we went home but I had a migraine and stayed an extra day (and he manfully cleaned up after I threw up in the bathroom, gold star to Dad).
At 19 my brother was still living at home and I'm pretty sure I stayed with him without my dad there on occasion.

Sunnysas · 02/06/2023 22:19

19 is so young! Maybe he needs a bit of home comfort. Yes you may come home to a mess but so what!

lauraisa · 02/06/2023 22:19

Yes I would let them and be very clear that the place is left exactly as they found it!

YogaMama66 · 02/06/2023 22:29

Surely it’s their home too!

OhcantthInkofaname · 02/06/2023 22:33

Shinyandnew1 · 31/05/2023 11:03

there house has even more creature comforts than mine.

Whilst I wouldn’t have a problem in the slightest with my young adult kids staying at mine whilst I was away (and it would useful to have them pet sit/water plants), mine live in shitty student houses and have few creature comforts there! They are students who would be home over the summer anyway. If the sole reason for yours wanting to stay is that you have more creature comforts but you say it’s actually BETTER at theirs, I’d be getting them to unpick this a bit!

If they have a nice house themselves and just want a fortnight using your gas/electricity/water/Wi-Fi, then I’d probably think that was taking the piss!

Define the creature comforts here…!

I think you misread her message. It's her in-laws that have a better house than she does not her son.

UsingChangeofName · 02/06/2023 23:04

I would, but I have brought my dc up to respect people's homes and I know I wouldn't come back to the house being any different from how I left it.
However I suspect this is also related to the fact I'm not anal about tidying and cleaning.

The fact you've said I like my house super tidy implies we probably have a different level of what we would be happy with. Personally I like my house to be homely and 'lived in'. Welcoming to my family to return to, whatever their ages.

Yellowdays · 02/06/2023 23:11

Nobody can sensibly advise you. It depends on the young person.

LoisLane66 · 02/06/2023 23:11

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
😲😮😦😮😧😮 NO.

LoisLane66 · 02/06/2023 23:13

Whilst you're on holiday with his g/f? 😮😂

LoisLane66 · 02/06/2023 23:27

All my A/C were working and living away from home at 16 and have never had reason to live anywhere but their own homes which were either rented, came with the job or, by now, bought and paid for. They'd have no right to have a key any more than I'd have a right to have one of theirs. As they all live 80-320 miles away it's not a day trip anyway.

SeanMean · 02/06/2023 23:29

Of course I would.

But odd not to but up to you.

Summertimesunshineandfizz · 02/06/2023 23:30

My house will always be my children’s house. They are welcome to come and go as they please.