Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Let adult children stay at my house when away

217 replies

Bilbo1237 · 31/05/2023 08:46

Ok I will keep it short.
19 year old son left home for his job.
we have a good relationship no other issues.
he has asked if he can stay at home ( my house) whist I’m on holiday with his gf….more creature comforts at mine
I have said no, I would dream of going to my parents whilst they were away and there house has even more creature comforts than mine.
I like my house super tidy when I get back from a holiday and I know it wouldn’t be.

OP posts:
SaxSick · 31/05/2023 13:22

Littleroseseverywhere · 31/05/2023 12:35

This. I was thinking exactly this. My relationship with my child, and ensuring their happiness is way more important than a bit of mess. It doesn’t matter if she’s 4 or 40, I will always be in her corner. And this is a tiny ask.

Show quote history

I used to be house obsessive - couldn't start the weekend without everything being immaculate. House had to be spotless before I left on holiday. Now - that has gone. I still like a clean and tidy house but I don't prefer it to my grown up children.

RedHinge · 31/05/2023 13:25

Littleroseseverywhere · 31/05/2023 12:30

Absolutely I would allow it, she’d not even have to ask. My home is my child’s home no matter how old they are. I can’t imagine for a moment telling them they are unwelcome. Blimey.

This.
The day I choose a tidy house over my adult DC will be very sad.

Lapland123 · 31/05/2023 13:28

I cannot imagine not letting him stay. Once he’s going to leave it as he finds it… he’s your son!! It’s so sad you are not letting him stay.

happysoul23 · 31/05/2023 13:28

At 19 yes - at 39 probably no.
He's still young x

CC4712 · 31/05/2023 13:28

Do they stay at yours at other times, or just that you are away?
Do they live in their own place, or a group house with multiple others?
Would they be commuting to work from your house or also taking time off?
What creature comforts do you offer?

Pottedpalm · 31/05/2023 13:29

Having just returned from a stay in DS and DDiL’s house in a lovely area of London while they were on honeymoon, I would be very happy to return the favour. They left the house immaculate for us, with fresh bedlinen and towels, drinks in the fridge and a welcome card on the table.
They often stay with us but haven’t done so while we were away, but I would have no qualms in allowing them as the place would probably be left tidier and cleaner afterwards.

fUNNYfACE36 · 31/05/2023 13:32

Of course.my home is my children's home.Always..

Ariela · 31/05/2023 13:33

Bilbo1237 · 31/05/2023 08:54

No trust issue just his version of clean and tidy are very different to mine

Then go round with him and gf before you go, and point out EXACTLY how you want it left.
Or he books and pays for a cleaner for before you arrive back.

AppleandSpice · 31/05/2023 13:36

i wouldn’t refuse but then we do need a cat sitter anyway so somebody stays regardless.

but your house is totally up to you. Where is he living now?
As if with girlfriends parents or house share can totally understand him wanting a bit of breathing space.

cunningartificer · 31/05/2023 14:04

All my young adult children know they can come and stay at any time and their rooms are always ready for them even if we're not there; they have their own keys, and I always want them to feel it's 'home'. They usually come when we're around for a get together but as they live in cities I've encouraged them to come and bring friends if we're away as it's nice for them to have the larger space and good for the house not to be empty. To be fair they've also asked if we want to stay at theirs for a city break when they're away! It doesn't seem a big thing to me, perhaps because I know they'll leave it as they found it, but even if they didn't I don't think it would change my feelings about wanting them to have that sense that it's still their home. If the tidiness is a deal breaker for you, that's your choice, but it might be worth trying to find ways around that.

sunshinerainstorm · 31/05/2023 14:07

I understand your sentiment OP because I'm an obsessive tidy person and need the house to be clean before I leave and then I know what I've got to come home to...

HOWEVER

I would absolutely let my son stay, i would rather he have a nice week with comforts and enjoy our home and hope he would do the right thing leaving it clean and tidy. If he didn't well no one died I'd just be a bit miffed but hey kids 😅

Paperlate · 31/05/2023 14:10

Of course I would let him stay. No question.

Killingmytime · 31/05/2023 14:14

Im shocked you wouldn’t. It’s your child, your 19 year old Confused

ToeJammed · 31/05/2023 14:16

Mine always stayed home alone when I went away until they moved into their own places.
They still have a key to mine to come and go as they please whether I'm there or not.
That said, they always tidied up after themselves, maybe not to my standards, but effort was made all the same.
Although the clean up operation was a tad more difficult when my daughter let the bath overun which brought the kitchen ceiling down all over my new kitchen.
Oh how I laughed!!!!!!

Lapland123 · 31/05/2023 14:28

This poor kid is only 19

But at any age, my casa will always be their casa, wherever I move

Kendodd · 31/05/2023 14:32

Sounds to me like you have effectively kicked your 19yo son out.

Of course I would let them stay.

Paperlate · 31/05/2023 14:39

Surely it's still his home too?

Temporaryname158 · 31/05/2023 14:42

My children would always be welcome to stay when I wasn’t home. I would expect it to be clean and tidy when I returned however

AlwaysMissingHome · 31/05/2023 14:42

I would. We also let friends and other family use our house if we’re not there.

AlwaysMissingHome · 31/05/2023 14:43

And they’re welcome when we are there too of course. 😅

kitsuneghost · 31/05/2023 14:45

Weird
My parents would have absolutely no issue
They would probably go about cleaning the house and changing the bedsheets for me coming.

Lovingitallnow · 31/05/2023 14:46

I think there's a massive difference between can I stay whilst I'm int he area, or being free to come and go vs. Him wanting your house and not your company whilst you were away. Like he specifically wants an empty house. I'd find that weird and wouldn't love it.

WinterDeWinter · 31/05/2023 14:48

I find it a bit odd that you talk about 'my house' in the context of a 19yo who can barely have left home a year ago tbh. He must feel really rejected. My 21 yo has left and come back again and I expect that to happen a few times - I wouldn't enforce a 'well you've left so you're out now' line.

Isn't there a sort of transition period with young adults?

lljkk · 31/05/2023 16:08

My dad left his flat last November & didn't return until May. I stayed in his flat in December & someone on step-mum's side of family stayed in February.

Which is way cool because if anything is wrong, I get to blame the other lot, harhar. Actually, I cleaned like a demon before we left. My dad's place is small but fairly luxurious. They used to let many cousins on my dad's side routinely stay there too, treating it as a holiday visit, but then they got a floor that is too nice to have sand on it (their door is 5m from a giant beach). <shrug> A few people who are paranoid about sand are still allowed to visit.

Intriguedbythis · 31/05/2023 16:12

Would not dream of telling my child they couldn’t stay tbh.

Swipe left for the next trending thread