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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Let adult children stay at my house when away

217 replies

Bilbo1237 · 31/05/2023 08:46

Ok I will keep it short.
19 year old son left home for his job.
we have a good relationship no other issues.
he has asked if he can stay at home ( my house) whist I’m on holiday with his gf….more creature comforts at mine
I have said no, I would dream of going to my parents whilst they were away and there house has even more creature comforts than mine.
I like my house super tidy when I get back from a holiday and I know it wouldn’t be.

OP posts:
Nottogetapenny · 01/06/2023 07:41

My house ‘our’ house is my family’s home and always will be! They are always welcome, together with their families, to come, stay whenever they wish and however long they want to stay, even when my husband and I aren’t at home.
It was the same for my sister and I from our parents.
Home means ‘home’ no matter how old you are!

TooJoy · 01/06/2023 07:43

Unless you know that he would trash the place and steal your belongings then surely you’d be encouraging him to stay.

Him staying at your home does you a favour too by not having your property empty.

Its really sad that you wouldn’t allow your child to stay at your home (his old home) and it sounds as though your mum was just as unwelcoming too.

Cnidarian · 01/06/2023 07:47

We can't afford to go on holiday 5his year, but my parents live in a nice place so we are going on holiday to their house while they are away. It was their suggestion. Seems a bit sad you wouldn't let your son stay.

IamSlave · 01/06/2023 07:47

I think it'd sad that you dint trust your sons or gf.
I have family members who have worked acros the world and their attitude to houses is so different to others. Very much a roof share houses etc.
The house always remains immaculate.

I would have said he needs to leave it tidy as you like it and let him.
I think its sad when adult dc. Can't feel at home in their parents home any more I really do. It feels like distrust and distrust feels distant.

Looking at the bigger picture it's this sort of holding ones own dc at arms length that comes back to bite on the bum when gf not wanted in the house is suddenly housing and carrying your grandchild.... Then Mil is all over her, touching the bump, wanting to be involved in everything! And doesn't understand why by then dil wants nothing more to do with her because of endless rules and slights where her parents are super welcoming and relaxed and welcome BOTh of them with open arms arms all the time.

Then Mil wonders why shes not included.

IamSlave · 01/06/2023 07:50

His idea of "clean and tidy" are very different to mine.

And clean and tidy trumps trust, love, being welcoming...

Theraffarian · 01/06/2023 07:51

My adult children know they are welcome home anytime they want or need , they both have their own homes with partners , but there is a bed made up for them anytime . I’m a bit of a neat freak too , but there’s normally nothing that the next round of housework won’t clean away . Actually I’d rather the house was occupied if we were away even if it meant it wasn’t spotless when we came home .

Perfectly fine to ask them to pop the sheets in the wash and leave a little list of last day jobs you would like them to do , eg no washing up left in the sink , worktops cleaned down , so you don’t feel you have loads to do the minute you walk back in .

StormShadow · 01/06/2023 07:55

Unless I had reason to believe the place would be utterly trashed, I'd prefer him to be there as opposed to leaving it empty and a target for burglars.

shockthemonkey · 01/06/2023 07:55

Honestly, it seems a bit mean. Especially as you will benefit from a security point of view.

If the clean and tidy thing is a real stumbling block, then there will be ways around it. Such as, he and gf do it to your standards, or they pay a professional to come and do it at the end of their stay.

ShandaLear · 01/06/2023 08:01

It wouldn’t cross my mind not to, and my DD wouldn’t need to ask permission. She’d let me know as in, ‘George and I will be coming over while you’re away’ and I’d probably say something like, ‘Make sure you leave it tidy. I don’t want to be coming back to a mess!’ and that would be that.

Kendodd · 01/06/2023 08:04

Samlewis96 · 01/06/2023 07:36

How have you come to that conclusion?

Show quote history

Because young adults have a lot of back-and-forth these days between getting their own place and family home. The OP has made it clear son is not welcome, sounds like he doesn't have a 'family' home.

As long as I have a home, my children, and their families, will always have a home and a place to stay and will always be welcome whether I'm there or not.

Kendodd · 01/06/2023 08:06

ShandaLear · 01/06/2023 08:01

It wouldn’t cross my mind not to, and my DD wouldn’t need to ask permission. She’d let me know as in, ‘George and I will be coming over while you’re away’ and I’d probably say something like, ‘Make sure you leave it tidy. I don’t want to be coming back to a mess!’ and that would be that.

Yes, me too.
They would know with absolute confidence, they always had a place to go.

Serena73 · 01/06/2023 08:17

I would probably be begging mine to stay because I'd need a cat sitter!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2023 08:18

Does he live with his gf? Where do they both live if he's moved away but wants to stop at yours? So is it somewhere more touristy they can have a free holiday?

ssd · 01/06/2023 08:20

Sissynova · 31/05/2023 08:56

Ultimately its your decision.
However your point of view is very unusual compared to any family I know. This would be a totally normal thing to do.

This a million times. You only see these comments on mn. The rest of the world families get on with it.

Zanatdy · 01/06/2023 08:22

Yes I’d definitely let them stay. He’s only 19 too, most kids still at home at this age and would invite a friend of gfriend over when parents away

Cloverforever · 01/06/2023 08:24

Yes, I would 100%. My kids happiness is worth way more than the hassle of me having to possibly spend an hour tidying up.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 01/06/2023 08:28

I can’t think of an occasion where I’d ever say no to either of my adult kids staying in my house BUT we have a pretty normal supportive relationship, and I’ll always see this as their home, wherever they live. My parents were exactly the same.

Simianwalk · 01/06/2023 08:28

I'm taking 5 of my friends to my parents for a long weekend when my parents are away. They live in a Lovely area. I'm 48 😁

HerMammy · 01/06/2023 08:36

@Bilbo1237
If you're referring to the DSC thread I think you are, it's not comparable.
Your son is only 19, will he never be allowed back in your home to stay? tell him your expectations and give him a chance, you sound very cold.

Onelifeonly · 01/06/2023 08:37

As the child I'd be pretty offended if my parents didn't let me stay at their house when they were away. When I was younger, I certainly did do this and had boyfriends and other friends to stay with me. I tried to keep the house the way they would expect it to be (though they always had a cleaner, so they could rely on that too). Until I bought my own place, I used the word "home" to mean my parent's home.

As a parent - well, mine still live here anyway - but even if they didn't, I wouldn't say no unless there was a good reason (lack of trust is the only one I can think of).

Rainallnight · 01/06/2023 08:45

That’s a bit mean. He’s your son. It was his home till very recently. Of course you should be able to set ground rules about upkeep etc but a blanket no is mean.

IamSlave · 01/06/2023 11:17

@ssd unfortunately I can assure you you it's in the real world. My dh isn't allowed in parent's home and never feels comfortable there.

To the point he stooped going.

MeridaBrave · 01/06/2023 14:31

I would allow but tell them both that the condition is that it’s clean to the standard you left it in. And if it’s not you’ll say no next time.

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 01/06/2023 14:44

I’m confused…
is he wanting to stay at your house with his girlfriend whilst you’re on holiday…or…are you going on holiday with his girlfriend, and he wants to stay?

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 01/06/2023 14:44

Your house so you get to decide, but can’t ever imagine not letting my children stay in my house

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