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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Let adult children stay at my house when away

217 replies

Bilbo1237 · 31/05/2023 08:46

Ok I will keep it short.
19 year old son left home for his job.
we have a good relationship no other issues.
he has asked if he can stay at home ( my house) whist I’m on holiday with his gf….more creature comforts at mine
I have said no, I would dream of going to my parents whilst they were away and there house has even more creature comforts than mine.
I like my house super tidy when I get back from a holiday and I know it wouldn’t be.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 31/05/2023 10:54

If the thread you're referring to is the one I think it is, then the OP would be there, and the very tricky adult DSD wanted to sleep in her son's room every other weekend ... so it's very different. Apologies if I've got the wrong one.

At 19 most DCs are still living at home so would you have left him alone then to go on holiday?

I wouldn't mind my DDs staying at all but I would have a chat beforehand about who else is allowed in and what level of cleanliness I expected on return.

Sprogonthetyne · 31/05/2023 10:57

DH's parents live in a lovely holiday location. We're mid 30's with kids and still use there house if they happen to go away during school holidays, often at their suggestion. I think your being a bit mean not letting a 19yo stay, many of his peers will still be living with parents full time.

FeelingOverwhelmedAgain · 31/05/2023 10:58

I understand OP. I would be hesitant too. I am a very clean and tidy person. I like a clean house to come home to.

I have let family and friends stay in my house before whilst I was away and usually regret it. Their idea of tidy is not mine! I generally have to bite my tongue if they are doing me a favour though.

The suggestion of him paying for a cleaner is a good one.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/05/2023 11:03

there house has even more creature comforts than mine.

Whilst I wouldn’t have a problem in the slightest with my young adult kids staying at mine whilst I was away (and it would useful to have them pet sit/water plants), mine live in shitty student houses and have few creature comforts there! They are students who would be home over the summer anyway. If the sole reason for yours wanting to stay is that you have more creature comforts but you say it’s actually BETTER at theirs, I’d be getting them to unpick this a bit!

If they have a nice house themselves and just want a fortnight using your gas/electricity/water/Wi-Fi, then I’d probably think that was taking the piss!

Define the creature comforts here…!

Wilkolampshade · 31/05/2023 11:09

I'd let mine yes.. Both are renting, also in London, but don't have much space and no garden. We're only a terrace, so nothing fancy, but both have stayed either with boyfriends or in a small group to have a sit in the garden/BBQ of a summer evening.

Meadowflower2023 · 31/05/2023 11:10

SeasonFinale · 31/05/2023 08:49

I would let them but have a talk with them both about your expectation as to it's state when you return and what rooms are out of bounds eg. your bedroom/study etc

This ^^ I like my home immaculate 95% of the time but I couldn't ever imagine telling DS he couldn't stay at home. Seems harsh.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 31/05/2023 11:11

I don't understand your priorities, he's 19 for goodness sake. I can see why he doesn't live with you.

Upsizer · 31/05/2023 11:13

I let my youngest do this all the time because she is super clean and tidy and responsible - my older two haven’t asked but I would be worried as they are both a bit chaotic and leave a mess everywhere. So YANBU - it depends on the child/adult and how you know they will behave.

overitunderit · 31/05/2023 11:14

Of course I would let them stay. How cold and mean not to let them stay. He's 19 so presumably your house is also his house?

2bazookas · 31/05/2023 11:16

I'd let them stay but make it clear to both that on your return it MUST be as tidy and sparkling clean as when you left. It's a question of trust and responsibility; they are adults and you expect no less.

Either, son gives his solemn promise and carries it out; or he never gets to use i again.

NosyHamster · 31/05/2023 11:19

Bilbo1237 · 31/05/2023 10:25

Thank you for your opinions I will have a think and take on board the comments.
interestingly I’ve just read a post that asked the exact same question but it was for a step child and the answer was a resounding no they shouldn’t be able to stop.

interesting 🤔

Step children generally get away with murder because their Dad is too scared/guilty to discipline them. If they caused mess/damage/chaos there would be no consequences.

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 31/05/2023 11:21

Depends how you think they would treat your house.

We always leave our house spotless when we leave on holiday. In fact, DH has been known to take half a day of leave to sort everything out before we go.

One time we were away we agreed to leave the keys with his son, so he could come round and celebrate his birthday with friends. We have a house and garden whereas he was in a small flat.

We came home after 3 weeks to a horrific stench from the bin and massive mess, not to mention a practically empty bottle of very expensive and hard to obtain rum, that they would have had to search for as it wasn't in the drinks cabinet. DH was incredibly upset. His son has never had our keys since.

mynewusername2023 · 31/05/2023 11:24

I've stayed at my parents house when they've not been there despite never having lived permanently in the house as they moved after I left home.

We'll be doing it next year while we dog sit and will sleep in their bed as the dog sleeps in their room. No issues at all.

MasterBeth · 31/05/2023 11:27

I genuinely cannot conceive of a time when I would not allow my 19 year-old son to stay in my home.

Flossflower · 31/05/2023 11:34

My previous NDN son always stayed when she was away. He always had a party but my neighbour didn’t know because nobody ever told her. She would not have wanted the party but she would not have had a word said against her son.

SquigglePigs · 31/05/2023 11:40

DD is only 4 so it's a bit of a theoretical question but I can't imagine saying no.

I've stayed at my parents on my own when they weren't there as an adult. DH and I have also both stayed at my parents house and my PIL's house as adults when needed.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 31/05/2023 11:44

Curseofthenation · 31/05/2023 08:50

I would also let me DC stay but set clear rules re the house upkeep.

This

OP knows what her son is like, though, so a conversation might be pointless if he won't care about her home. The decision is an individual one I think based on how a child will treat your home.

Rewis · 31/05/2023 11:48

The minute my parents go away somewhere I'm there enjoying my "holiday home" with a garden and all streaming services. But I clean and do some basic upkeep on their behalf. If they didn't want me to then I obviously wouldn't go and they would be within their right to say no!

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 31/05/2023 11:51

My son still lives at home (early 20s) and quite honestly it spoils my holidays as we always come home to something. Even if he 'cleans up' there's a sticky floor, remnants of broken glass, marks on the wall, evidence of someone using our beds, masses of recycling which implies parties etc etc. and it causes annoyance before I have even walked in through the door as I am waiting and looking for it. So I get your reluctance.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 31/05/2023 11:53

but then my parents let me and my siblings stay in their house when they are away. But we leave everything as we see it (as I know my DDad is very particular!)
As annoying as it is though our home will always be our kids home so would struggle to say no. (sorry no solution)

CosmosQueen · 31/05/2023 11:53

It wouldn’t bother me tuppence, in fact both have stayed at different times when we’ve been away. However mine are quite tidy and wouldn’t leave the house in a mess so perhaps OP’s DS isn’t as tidy.

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2023 12:07

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 31/05/2023 11:51

My son still lives at home (early 20s) and quite honestly it spoils my holidays as we always come home to something. Even if he 'cleans up' there's a sticky floor, remnants of broken glass, marks on the wall, evidence of someone using our beds, masses of recycling which implies parties etc etc. and it causes annoyance before I have even walked in through the door as I am waiting and looking for it. So I get your reluctance.

He lets people use your bed?! Time for him to move out!

CaloundraBlues · 31/05/2023 12:11

A lot of posters are saying they wouldn't think twice about letting their adults kids stay at their house when away, why do they need to? I presume they live somewhere else, why can't they just stay where they live, why do they need to come and stay at yours?

Kenworthington · 31/05/2023 12:14

I think this is really strange. My dd (18) and her bf (almost 18) stayed in our house last week when we were on holiday. They loved having some time to themselves, cooked and cleaned and looked after the cat. House was very tidy when we returned. And the cat was well fed!

Kenworthington · 31/05/2023 12:15

@CaloundraBlues presumeably ops house is nicer? Maybe they house share or live in halls rest of time? It would be a bit of a holiday for them. My two adult dc who have left home love staying here because it’s kind of ‘luxurious’ compared to their halls/tiny flat

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