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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Let adult children stay at my house when away

217 replies

Bilbo1237 · 31/05/2023 08:46

Ok I will keep it short.
19 year old son left home for his job.
we have a good relationship no other issues.
he has asked if he can stay at home ( my house) whist I’m on holiday with his gf….more creature comforts at mine
I have said no, I would dream of going to my parents whilst they were away and there house has even more creature comforts than mine.
I like my house super tidy when I get back from a holiday and I know it wouldn’t be.

OP posts:
StrawberryWasp · 01/06/2023 14:51

Yes I'd like them having some time to enjoy the nice environment. It's a chance to spoil them be able to provide a nice treat.

And at 19 I'd still view it as his home anyway.

But I'd have groundrules on what I expected when I got back.

Lalalalala555 · 01/06/2023 14:55

I would say it's your house, and so it's up to you who you have to stay and what conditions.
You're allowed to set boundaries, just as much as anyone else. :)

You have the right to protect your emotions and worries ect by setting a boundary and saying no.

Just as much as if you asked to stay at your sons whilst he was away, and he said no.
He would have a right to say no too.
Okay you may be a bit disappointed. And in your current situation he may be disappointed.

But in summary he is asking for something from you, and you are fully justified in not giving it.

However, I would add, that if it was more of a need and not a want for him to stay at yours then I'd consider it a bit more thoroughly. Ie in terms of pushing what you're comfortable with.
In this, I mean instances where he would be suffering ie homeless, or not well with broken legs and needs somewhere to stay, or his work means he will need to be staying in the area. And he usually lives far away so it would cost him £100s to find somewhere else. In the latter he could offer to pay you some of the costs.

But i think it's important to set boundaries, otherwise when you do give, it will be expected rather than appreciated.

(my relatives are currently going through issues where they had failed to set boundaries and now it's causing much bigger problems)

In your situation, depending on how much anxiety you'd have, and how much you want your son to be happy vs your inner peace. You could offer to meet halfway.
Ie say he can stay if he does a specific list of cleaning jobs whilst your away, the state you expect the house to be in when you get back, and that if this is not done it means in the future you will not allow him to stay whilst you're away on holiday.
Ie a chance to prove himself to be considerate and responsible, rather than going off your worries which are not yet proven to be true or untrue. (as far as I am aware).
It would however probably cause you to loose some inner peace whilst you're on holiday.
And he would probably be the one gaining a lot more in the situation.
But the other thing is not about him staying, but how loved/close he feels to you and generally supported. And I would say you could also consider how you want him to feel that way.
:)

Flammkuchen · 01/06/2023 15:01

If my parents said no at any age, I would feel so unloved. I cannot imagine anyone I know refusing tbh.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 01/06/2023 15:28

Why wouldn't you? My home will be open to my kids home no matter how old they are. They won't need an invite or need to knock. Unless your son can't be trusted for some reason YABU.

CarolinaInTheMorning · 01/06/2023 15:43

Child or step-child, I would let mine. My step-daughter and her husband would leave the house in better shape that they found it.

Catspyjamas17 · 01/06/2023 15:45

I would find it odd not to let them. DD1 will be away at university then, of course she would be able to come back when we aren't there.

IneedanewTV · 01/06/2023 15:51

my partner and I have just stayed at his mums house. She is away. She lives on the coast. She was so pleased when he asked her. But they have a lovely relationship. I would always let my adult children stay at my house. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t. You are using cleaning as a reason. Live each day as though it is your last.

TwilightBee · 01/06/2023 16:13

I think my mum would find it really really weird and suspicious if I asked if I could stay at her house while I was away. I have my own house and from the sounds of your OP so does your son.

If he lives in a houseshare I could totally understand why he would really like to stay at your house. That’s completely different.

If he has his own house I do find it odd that he would ask if you’d never said anything about not wanting to leave your house empty.

Doone21 · 01/06/2023 16:39

Why is it like a bit of a holiday for him? Maybe you have a garden but he doesn't. I'd definitely do it but I've also done it myself.
Sounds a bit like you're very precious and your house means more to you than your kids

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/06/2023 16:51

@TwilightBee he's 19, he's much more likely to be in a houseshare than have his own property.

My son is 26 and in a shared house, we live 90 minutes away from him. He is always welcome here and, as I said upthread, is doing exactly this when we go away this summer. He will have a week in our house to relax, chill out, go to the beach etc rather than being stuck in a shitty HMO in the middle of nowhere which is all he can afford on minimum wage.

Moonlightdancing · 01/06/2023 18:20

I mean, give it 10-15 years and you will be wondering why your children never visit you or care for you.....

TwilightBee · 01/06/2023 21:23

@EmmaGrundyForPM I’ve had my own house since I was 18 and still at uni. Just because he’s young doesn’t mean it’s most likely to be a houseshare, especially when he has a girlfriend who he may or may not be living with.

Definitely depends where in the country you live as well. I’m 27 and I don’t know anyone that’s lived in a houseshare since uni and I live in a city fairly close to the university. Some people might live with a friend but most people I know that are my age live alone or with a partner. Up north it’s barely more expensive to live alone than in a house share.

Again, if he lives alone and has specifically asked to stay there for no apparent reason than I think it’s odd and would say no. If he does live in a houseshare I wouldn’t find it odd and would say yes absolutely.

letloz · 01/06/2023 21:28

Even as a 38 year old, I would be quite hurt if my parents said I couldn't stay in their house!

Bobinov · 02/06/2023 02:57

19 isn’t a grown up child. No you can’t change my mind. Your son should be able to stay at yours and not meet your standards of tidy and you should clean up after him. BECAUSE HE IS YOUR KID!!! This isn’t a friend or random person staying it is your son!

marblemad · 02/06/2023 03:06

You must be insane, I am mid 20's and stay twice a year in my parents home since I turned 17, house sit the home and cats; tidy the full down stairs to immaculate standard; water the plants and maintain the hot tub. from 18-22 I stayed with my ex partner here and he helped just as much as myself, surprise redecorating the landing area, painting the decking, watching the pets whilst I was working, if you do not trust your child and show them so much disdain they will treat you similarly going forth. Especially when they have grandchildren etc. as you were clearly so bizarrely traumatised by the thought of their partner going anywhere near them or the house, they in turn won't want you near them.

Codlingmoths · 02/06/2023 03:29

I plan to drum it into my dc what clean and tidy looks like so this isn’t controversial!!

JandalsAlways · 02/06/2023 03:30

I would, but if you're a neat freak and don't want them to for that reason then don't. Bit mean though, tbh but it's totally up to you of course

Adelyra · 02/06/2023 18:13

I wouldn't dream of treating my children like they are strangers.

woodhill · 02/06/2023 18:15

I would rather my house was occupied. I know what you meant about messiness but the pros outweigh the cons

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/06/2023 18:36

It’s up to you but you have a cold relationship - he’s only 19.
Don’t forgot who you’ll need when you’re elderly.
I’d say yes in a heartbeat, they’re always your kids.

JaninaDuszejko · 02/06/2023 18:38

It's up to you but don't be surprised if he is upset.

We've stayed at MIL's when she's not been there (1 night when flying into her city late at night). We left it tidier than she did but DH and I are in our 50s so slightly different.

Inwiththenew · 02/06/2023 18:38

If you had a dog or a cat and wanted your son to stay and look after them when you go away I’m sure you wouldn’t have a problem with it then. I mean, why not just be nice to your son.

Lovely13 · 02/06/2023 18:48

Partners of my sons would probably leave my house cleaner than when I left, so I would be more than happy for them to stay! And cleaning aside, it’s better to have house occupied to deter break-ins.

jcsc · 02/06/2023 18:50

No matter how old my children are it would always be our family home and they could stay anytime if I’m away or not.

CantFindMyMarbles · 02/06/2023 19:16

YABU.

My house is always my kids house and they’re welcome whenever they want. I’m also welcome at my parents whenever I want.

Id be over the moon to have them stay when I was away - it’s safer as the house is actually lived in.

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