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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to apologise to friend I ghosted?

189 replies

Fortytwothrough · 30/05/2023 19:45

Deliberately NC as I know she's on here. If a friend ghosted you almost a decade ago, sought therapy, realised it was a cruel overreaction used as a defence mechanism and was a clear flaw in her character that she was working on, would you want an apology or not?

It is out of deep regret and shame for having hurt someone I cared about, not because I want anything from her.

She broke my confidence and rather than speak to her about it like a grown up, I ghosted her.

AIBU to try to say sorry,or should I leave well alone. We live in the same place so do run into one another a few times a year, she's always polite, I feel nothing but guilt yet haven't had the courage to admit how hurtful my actions were. I'm ashamed it has taken me until mid 40s to realise how mentally unwell and emotionally immature I was back then. I'd like to make amends.

OP posts:

dudsville · 30/05/2023 19:50

Hm, i don't know. Its a long time ago. I'm in a similar boat, often thinking about the friend i dropped (ghosted wasn't a term then) when i was trying to leave my then husband and she was constantly critiquing how i was going about it. I'm still proud of how i managed the end of that marriage, but i feel sorry for the loss of the friendship. I'll never know if i or she'd benefit from my getting in touch, but i doubt it, so i don't. It's my cross to bear.

VWRabbit · 30/05/2023 19:51

Leave it. She will have moved on, and I suspect your wish to be forgiven will be pushing you to cross her boundaries. Also, if she betrayed your confidence, it's not something you need in your life. If she's still polite to you but hasn't sought more, then I think the ship has sailed from both perspectives. And ask yourself, truly, why do you want to atone? You don't need her either.

BananaSpanner · 30/05/2023 19:52

Apologise but with less excuses than your OP, I don’t get the impression that you’re really taking responsibility for it. If you get the apology right and it is sincere then I’m sure she will appreciate it even if she doesn’t want to rekindle the friendship.

Mardiarse · 30/05/2023 19:52

I think it’s ok to apologise and explain, might give her closure, as long as you don’t expect to rekindle the friendship, or anything else from it.

janeseymour78 · 30/05/2023 19:52

As someone who has a friend who did this about a decade ago, I would appreciate the apology as long as that's all it was, with no expectation of restarting the friendship.

SummerSimmer · 30/05/2023 19:53

I’d like to be left alone. I’d either ignore you or tell you to F off out of my life.

TrueScrumptious · 30/05/2023 19:53

I would apologise, yes.

Hiddenvoice · 30/05/2023 19:53

I’ve been ghosted and if I’m honest I would appreciate an apology but wouldn’t want to keep contact with them.
There’s no harm in reaching out and sending an apology and then leaving the old friend be. They can then make the decision if they want to become friends again or just move on.

Paperlate · 30/05/2023 19:54

I'd leave it tbh. She has clearly moved on and so should you.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/05/2023 19:56

My best friend from school ghosted me about 15 years ago, I spoke to her Mum and it was due to mental health issues. She's never got back in contact. I think if she turned up I'd be happy to have a conversation with her, and I'd accept the apology, but our friendship would never be the same and I don't think I'd want to stay in contact with her following the apology either.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/05/2023 19:57

Unless circumstances beyond your control are going to bring them back into your life it's best to just leave it.

Sazza26xx · 30/05/2023 19:57

I would tell you to fuck off tbh if that was me

BounceyB · 30/05/2023 19:57

I wouldn't expect it. I've had a couple of people apologise to me like this. It felt like they were after something. Ir didn't change anything and I still thought they were a dick.

Mirandia · 30/05/2023 19:58

I would leave it. She’s not the same person she was all those years ago. Life has moved on. You can’t mention it without mentioning that she broke the confidence so it could be misinterpreted. Also do you want her going around repeating your conversation?

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/05/2023 19:58

Well, it sort of depends on what you mean by "she broke my confidence". That's a perfectly legit reason for cutting contact with someone in my world. But there's always two sides to a story ... so what actually happened?

All of us regret losing contact with certain friends - be it neglect, just drifting away, or issues that don't seem as important after a length of time.

StellaGibson2022 · 30/05/2023 19:58

I would apologise but be prepared that a lot of time has passed.

I wonder if she knows that she betrayed your confidence.

Stabee · 30/05/2023 19:58

It would be a nice thing to do, but her reaction may be not what you expect. I'd be prepared for that. I personally would never be friends again with the person who ghosted me.

Chispazo · 30/05/2023 19:59

I dont know, if it was a childhood friend and you only fell out in your 30s then she will never forget you. But if it was somebody you worked with in your 20s for 2 years, then I'd just leave it.

I really relate though. Once, a friend sent his mother over to take back something he'd lent me. His mother used the word "loaned". My mother even said "I believe gave it to her".
But my mother handed it over.

I was so furious I sent him a letter telling him all of his faults. I walked past him on the street a couple of years ago and he had a toddler in a buggy and I wanted to stop and ask him how life was so badly, but I was ashamed, id been a bigger dick than he had been.

Isthisexpected · 30/05/2023 20:00

I mean, she broke your confidence so I presume you wouldn't want to be friends with her anyway so I'd leave it.

itsgettingweird · 30/05/2023 20:00

What did she do to knock your confidence?

To me that's the key here.

If she was always putting you down and knocking your confidence it's not surprising you couldn't talk to her.

Of it was an off the cuff comment you reacted badly too because of where you were at I'd speak to her next time bump into each other and just say "sorry for cutting you out after you did/said X. I should have talked to you but didn't."

CurtainsForBea · 30/05/2023 20:01

I was ghosted by a friend in 2016. I had supported her through so much and to say she betrayed me and my good will is an understatement.

It has taken me years to get over the hurt and pain she caused.

if she apologised I would honestly think ;' Nah. Fuck off'.

EdgeOfACoin · 30/05/2023 20:02

As someone who was ghosted years ago by someone I considered to be a very close friend, I would appreciate the apology.

However, I also echo previous posters that I wouldn't be interested in rekindling the friendship.

Nevertheless, an acknowledgement of the hurt caused would be welcome.

Daffodil92 · 30/05/2023 20:02

In what way did she break your confidence?
this would affect my response:

Newnamenewname109870 · 30/05/2023 20:02

Apologise and take full responsibility just like you have on here. Give her that closure. Then you can move on.

Chellybelle · 30/05/2023 20:05

Are you the gay male ex best mate of the person who posts all the time about it on here? Apologies if you're not.

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