Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to apologise to friend I ghosted?

189 replies

Fortytwothrough · 30/05/2023 19:45

Deliberately NC as I know she's on here. If a friend ghosted you almost a decade ago, sought therapy, realised it was a cruel overreaction used as a defence mechanism and was a clear flaw in her character that she was working on, would you want an apology or not?

It is out of deep regret and shame for having hurt someone I cared about, not because I want anything from her.

She broke my confidence and rather than speak to her about it like a grown up, I ghosted her.

AIBU to try to say sorry,or should I leave well alone. We live in the same place so do run into one another a few times a year, she's always polite, I feel nothing but guilt yet haven't had the courage to admit how hurtful my actions were. I'm ashamed it has taken me until mid 40s to realise how mentally unwell and emotionally immature I was back then. I'd like to make amends.

OP posts:
YouTarzan · 30/05/2023 21:51

No, leave it. It’s all about you.

Original poster
Fortytwothrough · 30/05/2023 21:52

Banrockmystation · 30/05/2023 21:06

If you owe someone an apology then you should apologise. That’s kind of all there is to it! It doesn’t matter about any of the other stuff you are agonising over. If you did something wrong then just say sorry and move on.

If I remove the guilt and look at it objectively, this is how I see it too.

OP posts:
ejbaxa · 30/05/2023 21:52

I’d leave it.

I’ve been ghosted once and the person who did it made a habit of it. I don’t know or care why she ghosted me and wouldn’t be interested in understanding why.

ButterflyOil · 30/05/2023 21:53

The not knowing or understanding why you’ve been ghosted can be really painful. It’s harder to get closure when you don’t have those answers.

I’d appreciate knowing myself, even if it wasn’t with the intention of restarting a friendship.

Original poster
Fortytwothrough · 30/05/2023 21:54

Thelnebriati · 30/05/2023 21:27

Did she ever apologise for breaking your confidence?

I'm not even sure she knows that I know.

OP posts:
GloriousD · 30/05/2023 21:56

ButterflyOil · 30/05/2023 21:53

The not knowing or understanding why you’ve been ghosted can be really painful. It’s harder to get closure when you don’t have those answers.

I’d appreciate knowing myself, even if it wasn’t with the intention of restarting a friendship.

But the OP isn’t going to say why she did it - ie that the friend broke her confidence.

She is just going to apologise for ghosting with zero info. So how is it closure?

If she does say why she did it - it will only open a dialogue or conflict IMHO.

Alongtimelonely · 30/05/2023 21:57

To my shame, I dropped an old friend. I did send her an apology some years later - far too late, but I wanted to acknowledge how awful my behaviour had been and that I truly regretted the hurt I must have caused by disappearing. I kept it very light-touch and just said that I wasn’t in a good place at the time. And I also mentioned I wasn’t expecting to reignite spark of friendship, simply that I wanted her to know how bad I felt about it at the time and still do.

I wouldn’t have minded an “f off” reply, or no reply at all, but my former friend did reply and said she was surprised to hear from me after so long. Not a lot else. I really wasn’t expecting anything more at all, but I’m still glad I apologised because I genuinely do feel it is pretty much the worst thing I’ve done to anyone I cared about. I wish I hadn’t done it, but I can’t undo it now.

RoseAdage · 30/05/2023 21:59

I ghosted a friend 17 years ago and I still think about her. I'd just had a baby and had had a really traumatic labour and was struggling with anxiety, just couldn't get my head together to keep the friendship going (especially as this was quite a while before any of my friends had children) and it ended with her sending me a lovely email saying that she wouldn't contact me again unless I wanted her to, and I just didn't reply. I regret it to this day and often think I should contact her but she'd definitely be justified in telling me to eff off.

So my view is that, if in doubt, get in touch. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic deal or putting all your feelings onto her. It can't hurt to make a friendly overture and see what happens.

WinterDeWinter · 30/05/2023 21:59

My childhood best friend apologised for dropping me aged 16 when I was 53 and it meant a huge amount. It was a massive scar.

TheKobayashiMaru · 30/05/2023 22:06

I'm not quite in the situation you are but I cut someone off after a series of very poor behaviour towards me and said the friendship was ended unless she apologised. She never did, could never admit she was wrong in anyway. I proceeded to cut her off. I would accept her apology but I'd never be friends again or have any form of relationship.

Flunkey · 30/05/2023 22:08

Just apologise and leave it as that

Crumpleton · 30/05/2023 22:13

I think if I was that friend I'd like to know as it would always be in the back of my mind if I'd done something to upset you, they may have wished the friendship had continued.

Maybe write a letter letting her know you have no expectations but would just like to let her know that you wasn't in a good place back then and often think about her, which to some extent must be true or else you wouldn't have written this post.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/05/2023 22:24

She broke your confidence why should you be the one to apologize. I'm not surprised nor do I blame you for ghosting her. You've managed 10 years with out her I'd say keep moving on

EggInANest · 30/05/2023 22:26

Fortytwothrough · 30/05/2023 20:32

She did hurt me, I should have explained to her at the time. She reached out too, a couple of times, asking what she'd done wrong. I said she hadn't done anything wrong then didn't reply. She gave up in the end, left me to it.

Show quote history

In that case I would send her a card simply saying you know you were wrong to treat her as you did and you are sorry. Say you are not asking anything of her, not even a reply, but you want her to know that you are sorry.

No great involved explanations or details about you, yourself and your mental health.

caringcarer · 30/05/2023 22:26

That ship has sailed. If she speaks to you politely then do the same back.

Original poster
Fortytwothrough · 30/05/2023 22:29

@GloriousD I would tell her why. I'd add that it was the wrong way to have dealt with it, obviously.

OP posts:
Chickapee · 30/05/2023 22:30

I agree with PPs that it depends what she did. A friend ghosted me about 20 years ago and I still think about it though I'm not hurt by it any more. I wouldn't be friends with her now and probably wouldn't speak to her if I ran into her. I would appreciate the apology.

Having said that I don't think I did anything and don't know the reason but if there is I'd liked to know.

GloriousD · 30/05/2023 22:34

Fortytwothrough · 30/05/2023 22:29

@GloriousD I would tell her why. I'd add that it was the wrong way to have dealt with it, obviously.

So you would be telling her that she had done x,y,z and you considered this wrong both then and now? But wanted to apologise for how you reacted to her bad behaviour?

Do you think she knows what she did?

Is there a chance you could make this worse?

What if she says she didn’t do x, y or z?

HamBone · 30/05/2023 22:35

If you feel that you need to apologize to her, do it and don’t expect anything from her. I personally think it would be OK to explain why you did it-that she broke your confidence-but that you now realize that it would’ve been better to have been honest with her at the time
( about why you’d cut her off).

Many years ago, I also distanced myself from a friend who broke my confidence and like you, I didn’t tell her why. I probably should’ve really, she wasn’t a nasty person and perhaps didn’t realize that when I share personal information, I expect it to be confidential. She was kind in other ways, just abit of a blabbermouth.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 30/05/2023 22:39

There's a bit about ghosting in the Elizabeth Day book "Friendaholic" - she says sometimes ghosting is better than a massive confrontation. I've ghosted a few people out actually, I can think of at least 3 that were for racist remarks - had I wanted to have "a conversation" with them they would have just denied it so I made my own decisions. I agree with those saying that you want to apologise for your own benefit not your friend's, but I also agree that if they treated you poorly then you owe them nothing.

AxolotlEars · 30/05/2023 22:46

Apologise. Someone did it to me for 2 years. Then was in contact but obviously found it difficult to understand how ghosting affected me. Then she did it again! It's been 10 years now. I am the kind of person who likes to understand why and am very forgiving. It doesn't mean the relationship could be recovered. I would appreciate it

LaffTaff · 30/05/2023 22:51

It surprises me that people would carry hurt over a friendship ending, and yearn for an apology, decades later. Genuinely, you don't need their validation that actually you WERE worthy and they're sorry; it's ONE person's opinion/behaviour/flakiness! A bit of wallowing is to be expected when someone you care about lets you down, but to allow that (one!) person to live rent free in your head for decades is crazy.

billy1966 · 30/05/2023 22:52

OP, she broke your confidence, you do not owe her any apology.

You break a confidence, you take the consequence!

@Shitsandwiches I certainly don't think you are in any way in the wrong.

Thelastofbus · 30/05/2023 22:52

I was ghosted by a close friend. We were at school together and close for years. Both single for a long time, so did lot’s together like holidays, day trips, or simply wondering around Wilkos. I knew she always had her insecurities and her issues. But I thought she would always be honest with me. It hurt like hell when she ghosted me. I spent a long time wondering what I’d done. I know it was more about her than anything I did. But it still hurts now, even after ten years. I hope she’s happy though. We couldn’t be friends again, but I would appreciate it if she got in touch to say sorry, or to give an explanation.

keeponandonandon · 30/05/2023 22:54

I think this is more about you having closure for you and absolving your guilt rather than it being for her. You've already hurt her and lied to her when you told her she hadn't done anything wrong, so just leave her alone.

Swipe left for the next trending thread