To want to apologise to friend I ghosted?

[Fortytwothrough]

Deliberately NC as I know she's on here. If a friend ghosted you almost a decade ago, sought therapy, realised it was a cruel overreaction used as a defence mechanism and was a clear flaw in her character that she was working on, would you want an apology or not?

It is out of deep regret and shame for having hurt someone I cared about, not because I want anything from her.

She broke my confidence and rather than speak to her about it like a grown up, I ghosted her.

AIBU to try to say sorry,or should I leave well alone. We live in the same place so do run into one another a few times a year, she's always polite, I feel nothing but guilt yet haven't had the courage to admit how hurtful my actions were. I'm ashamed it has taken me until mid 40s to realise how mentally unwell and emotionally immature I was back then. I'd like to make amends.

Having been the ghostee, I hugely disagree with the perspective that it can be better to ghost someone than have an argument.

Assuming that the parties were close friends, it inflicts a huge amount of psychological pain on someone to cut them off with no explanation.

I can't see that it is ever justified.

I was the friend who shared something I shouldn't. I was in shock over a situation and it slipped out to another friend.

I wanted to apologise that I shared the situation, but didn't know whether it had got back or not. And didn't want to cause worry where it wasn't necessary.

So there it was and I had no clue what to do.

If you are the friend I am very sorry. As to the ghosting, it was hard, and painful, but it has been and gone now, so not to worry, and no need to apologise.

Time machine would be handy to nip back, to stop any of it.

No I don’t think I’d bother with apologies - it’s been too long in your case.

I’m in a similar situation but no fall out occurred, it was just living life in different cities and not replying to texts. We’re early 20s. Ultimately I could reach out and say sorry for not responding sooner but the truth is, we can cope without each other and it almost feels like less hassle to not deal with her. It feels natural to not speak. I don’t think I’ve missed out on “years of good friendship” either. Good friends don’t break your confidence then act like it didn’t happen later.

I too, don’t think you did anything wrong.

As someone who's had this happen a few times, yes I would appreciate an explanation and apology because it really does hurt, being ghosted by someone you thought a lot of. I think you're being very brave, OP.

If you owe someone an apology then you should apologise.

I think that's the most eloquent thing I've read on here for years @Banrockmystation Who knows what may happen afterwards, yes it could go horribly wrong, but you treated your former friend terribly and apart from owing her what she should have, it's good karma to apologise, in my view.

I have been ghosted many a time.
Personally I would have liked an explanation or apology because I have turned it all inwards over the years and now feel totally unlikeable and like there is something wrong with me.

No, leave her alone. You are doing it to absolve yourself and not because you miss her as a friend. That's all about you. She doesn't deserve that.

My ex best friend recently reached out to me after we hadn’t spoken for 15 years. She wanted to apologise for how things went between us and how she’s regretted her actions. I appreciate the apology although the impact had lost its momentum. So it didn’t change my life at all but it maybe changed hers a bit

I don’t think you did anything wrong. A friend broke my condfidence years ago. There was something I asked her to keep a secret - something which would have become public knowledge anyway but I couldn’t cope with everyone knowing at that time - and it was just too juicy a bit of gossip for her and she told everyone. Before I knew it the whole world seemed to be asking me about it and I couldn’t work out how they knew. When I asked it became apparent she’d gone round telling everyone she could.

I ghosted her for it. I knew I could never trust her with knowing anything personal about me again, so there just seemed no point in any other course of action. I see her through other friends on very rare occasions and I am polite but I have no other dealings with her.

I wouldn’t apologise because I’m not sorry. I think my response was proportionate. I wouldn’t either in your shoes. You didn’t ghost her for no reason, or because you were going through a bit of a bad time (in which case I probably would). You did it because she broke your confidence. Ok, so you might handle it differently now, but I don’t think it was a wrong course of action per se. And lots of time has passed. I’d see it as water under the bridge, be less hard on yourself, and move on.

I would discuss the situation and decision with your therapist and possibly even have a ‘practice’ conversation.

‘Ghosting’ is a fairly new term, but had a friend who didn’t seem very enthusiastic about meeting up. I decided not to contact her, she didn’t contact me either and the friendship fizzled out.

I would be happy to hear from my friend, even though it’s been a long time and be curious as to what (if anything) had upset her.

Honestly, if my ex friend who ghosted me then got back in touch to apologise, I'd assume I had something she needed or wanted and that it was insincere.

They probably don’t even realise they have been ghosted - unless you actively blocked them. Get in touch if you want to, but otherwise don’t worry.

I’ve lost touch with people over the years - sometimes I just decided it was their turn to get in touch because it always seemed to be me who was making an effort, and they never did…. If any of those people got in touch now I’d be pleased to hear from them but I wouldn’t think I’d ghosted them or they’d ghosted me.

Imagine if you were my old friend and this is how you found out I was agonising over apologising to you.

Someone said upthread they had a lovely friend who was a blabbermouth, I think it was kind of like that. I don't think she realised how private I wanted to keep things that were going on back then. Discretion was and is important to me, I assumed it went without saying. I've since learned not to tell anyone anything you wouldn't want sharing! Doesn't make for deep friendships though.

I was I think ghosted by someone years ago and I eventually confronted them about it over email and did get a reply, denying it. I ended up feeling like I was in the wrong. Anyway recently I sent a ‘breezy’ email apologising for the way things turned out but they didn’t reply. So, you could apologise - but have no expectations because people just move on.

I think you two should DM and work things out.

This was my way of thinking. I owed someone an apology i’d hurt several years before so I gave it to them . What she chooses to do with that is up to her. She wasn’t innocent and played a part in the drama and fall out too but I wanted to apologise for my role .

I’d since moved from the city we both were from so just sent her an email from my old email account which I closed shortly after. I have no idea what she thought - if she even read it - but it’s just an email so she can delete and move on as no doubt she did.

It would be more intrusive I feel if I tracked down her phone number or something and called her or stopped her on the street etc.

I had zero expectations of rekindling the friendship and it wasn’t what I desired tbh - like I said she was far from innocent too, so I never left any further contact details.

I dint know. ...you have ignored her for a long time. Why do you think it's ok to swan in and think she's going to be ok and pick up from where you left. Leave it where it where it was

In your ex friend's shoes, I'd appreciate the explanation and an apology. I would also appreciate the chance to apologise in turn. Probably too much water under the bridge to rekindle the friendship, but I still think it would be a good thing to do.

I ghosted someone, another mum whom I liked and whose daughter was friends with mine, after my marriage ended because she quizzed my neighbour about why exH had left (at this point, I hadn’t told my dear, elderly neighbour.) A few years later, I spoke to the person, and said I was sorry, that I was in a very sensitive place and found her action very difficult to deal with, but hoped I could build a bridge. She told me she accepted my apology but had no idea what on earth she had done wrong. So I ended up appearing like the unreasonable one who was finally seeing the light, and she in a state of grace forgiving me! I don’t think we are on the same wavelength … point is, we who are the ‘harmed’ probably dwell way too deeply on the issue, while those who have done the harm give it way less reflection. There is a ‘letting go’ that comes with being in a place to de-ghost, so if it makes you experience closure, it can bring its own benefits to you.

If I were your friend, I think I would appreciate the apology, but as others have said, don’t hold expectations of a renewed friendship.

You want closure
You want to apologise
You feel bad
You want to make amends

The fact you want to apologise is because you want to help You

So basically you are being selfish

So no. Dont apologise .

And the fact you still hold a grudge because she hurt you 10 years ago doesn't seem like your therapy is quite finished yet ...

Well that's because I wrote the posts. I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to write it?

I got a long rambling e mail apology from a friend who dropped me and others in our circle.
I wasn’t interested, too much time had gone. I just sent a message back saying ok and deleted. I have no interest in looking back.

I was ghosted by two of my best friends at the end of uni. I had found something out about one of their boyfriends and didn't tell them about it as I didn't want them to fail their finals. I did however confide in two very close friends. Word got out and I was ghosted and never had the time to explain myself. I was very much seen as the villain and I can understand why, but it hurt. It took me many years to recover from, and there were some very dark times.

I still don't know how I would have dealt with the situation differently, but what I do know, is that if we had truly been great friends, we would have spoken about it at the time. For years I would have liked to speak to them and apologise, but too much water has now gone under the bridge, and I truly believe I am better off without them.

In some ways OP I can understand the side of the argument from people who say the apology is about you. As I have been the person who has been ghosted for breaking the confidence of a friend in the past I first saw it from my own perspective of wanting to exchange apologies and getting some kind of closure. But what would concern me is what the other party would feel they could get in return for this. I think in my situation (which is probably very different to yours) I would attempt to form some kind of political alliance with the other party, a bit like governments do from former warring countries…

I don’t think I could come back from someone ghosting me , it’s too callous to be honest , if time has went by I’d leave it alone .