To want to apologise to friend I ghosted?

[Fortytwothrough]

Deliberately NC as I know she's on here. If a friend ghosted you almost a decade ago, sought therapy, realised it was a cruel overreaction used as a defence mechanism and was a clear flaw in her character that she was working on, would you want an apology or not?

It is out of deep regret and shame for having hurt someone I cared about, not because I want anything from her.

She broke my confidence and rather than speak to her about it like a grown up, I ghosted her.

AIBU to try to say sorry,or should I leave well alone. We live in the same place so do run into one another a few times a year, she's always polite, I feel nothing but guilt yet haven't had the courage to admit how hurtful my actions were. I'm ashamed it has taken me until mid 40s to realise how mentally unwell and emotionally immature I was back then. I'd like to make amends.

YABU. She probably doesn't give you a second thought and would brush off the apology.

Someone I thought was a good friend, has ghosted me now for 2 years. Never said why, and going back over literally every text/email there's absolutely nothing to trigger it. I was confused and a bit hurt. I don't want her to get in touch, but I'd love to know what was behind it all. Go with your gut feeling xx

So you could end up arguing over how you could trust each other again and then that will dredge everything back up.

A friend who adored at college dropped us all in a very cruel way, when she decided to move in with her boyfriend and wanted to get out of the shared tenancy she had her family come and pack all her stuff for her and sent police round saying we’d stolen from her (locked) room. We were heartbroken and I missed her terribly so that for the following year when I moved to the same city she moved to I was constantly looking for her in the crowds.

mid love her to have apologised. We reconnected when Facebook became a thing but it was never brought up again. I’d apologise.

As someone who has been ghosted I'd appreciate the apology and think well of you for wanting to do that. People grow and change, people evolve to better awareness (hopefully!) of their own actions and how they can be hurtful. To me it says a lot more positive things about someone who has done that growth and can admit their actions with an apology, than someone who never tries to right their wrongs.

I'd be open to meeting up with this friend for a coffee, certainly the friendship couldn't go right to where it left off.

Maybe write a letter and leave the ball in their court if they want to be in touch again!

You can’t ask anything of her IMHO without risking digging up the past and conflict.

It seems that you haven’t forgiven her confidence breaking and I think you need to do this before getting in contact if you want to avoid hurting both of you.

This doesn’t mean agreeing her actions were acceptable but accepting they happened and move on.

Or maybe you want / need to talk about those actions which you were unable to at the time. Do you want an acknowledgment from her of her behaviour?

Are you happy to let sleeping dogs lie?

Did her confidence breaking deserve you to remove yourself from the friendship and was it only the way you did this that you regret?

I was ghosted by a very good friend who had been my closest friend through university, we'd been good friends for about 12 years so it was very upsetting.

About 10 years after she ghosted me she made contact through Facebook and apologised to me. She realised she had made a mistake and wanted to reach out. I accepted her apology, but our friendship never recovered. It's now birthday likes on FB and that's it! It allowed me to make peace with myself though, I had always wondered what I'd done wrong, and actually made me realise that it really wasn't me at all!

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Same thing happened to me OP. I reached out last year after ten years and apologised. Explained that I had acted in a really immature way and that whilst I didn’t expect forgiveness (or even a response) she still deserved the apology.

She accepted, forgave and we have a lovely friendship now. It was completely unexpected but has been wonderful.

I also reached out this year to a friend I hurt a few years back when I was going through a really difficult time and I didn’t feel she was being supportive (she had recently gone through a very difficult event and I had been there for her, and expected the same in return without acknowledging that what she had gone through was so much harder and she was still recovering and couldn’t really prioritise my issues). Said similar, that regardless of if she wanted to forgive me she still deserved the apology. She read it and never replied, and that’s fine. I’m still glad I did it, she deserved to know that I realised I was in the wrong.

Life is about understanding and forgiveness. I think it's really admirable you want to apologise to her and I think that says a lot about how much you've grown. I think apologising is a great idea. It might give you both closure. You don't need to rekindle anything on either side. It's not about that.

How can the posters saying you'd hurt her all over again know this, because they aren't her? You have no idea. You have to decide what you think the right thing to do is. In your heart. You have no control over the outcome or how she might feel about it. No one does and no one knows.

I don't particularly get the impression you want to be close friends again, or really that it's just you who should apologise so I'm not sure what will be achieved.

This is the thing about not reacting in the way we'd like initially to a slight. We end up being the only one apologising when we didn't cause the whole problem. I'm not sure you'll get what you want out of this. I think she will accept the apology and explain how she felt, leaving you waiting for amends from years ago. Then you'll have to decide whether to accept any overtures of friendship or essentially let things slide again. Otherwise if you push for apology from her side too, to make things properly right again, she will wonder why you're doing so after so long.

I don't think you owe her such a personal explanation regarding your MH etc so would perhaps suggest leaving it, unless she approaches you again.

Maybe you could be a bit friendlier if you see her again and open the door a bit that way, but certainly don't wait around for this to happen. I don't know. I just don't think it's really you in the wrong if she discussed something serious you had told her in confidence, and I'm not sure i believe she hasnt worked out it's that by now. Perhaps better to think 'onwards and upwards' with your recovery.

I understand thanks to a roughly similar experience. A friend treated me poorly in a couple of ways. I rose to it as I was experiencing MH issues at the time and ghosted her. I got back in touch when world events affected her home country. We're still in touch, she accepted my explanation but there was never any acknowledgement that my reaction had come from something on her side. I accept that but it feels a bit annoying at times as I have owned up to the fault on my part, but she has not done so in return so it looks rather like it was a one sided rift. Depends if you mind that being the case.

No, leave her alone. I was ghosted by my best friend for no reason I could understand, and lost my whole friendship group from the awkwardness. I took it really badly, the not knowing and losing someone I though was permanent in my life.

3 years later he reached out to sort of apologise, sort of remind me why it was my fault and it set me back miles. Leave her alone

https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/10/the-thinnest-ice-youll-ever-walk-on-how-to-reconcile-with-a-long-lost-sibling

This is an interesting article and although it’s about siblings IMHO applies to close friendships as well. It looks at reconciliation after estrangement and outlines where this is successful - basically never expecting an apology and not returning to the past issue - ie starting afresh from the present.

Even the title ‘the thinnest ice you’ll ever walk on’ expresses the risks and the dilemmas of hurting the other and it backfiring on you.

I would apologise, that’s not to say you will get a reply or be friends again but at least you will have peace of mind. I’ve been in a similar situation where I apologised but never became friends again but I’m glad as we would be the friends we were.