To want to apologise to friend I ghosted?

[Fortytwothrough]

Deliberately NC as I know she's on here. If a friend ghosted you almost a decade ago, sought therapy, realised it was a cruel overreaction used as a defence mechanism and was a clear flaw in her character that she was working on, would you want an apology or not?

It is out of deep regret and shame for having hurt someone I cared about, not because I want anything from her.

She broke my confidence and rather than speak to her about it like a grown up, I ghosted her.

AIBU to try to say sorry,or should I leave well alone. We live in the same place so do run into one another a few times a year, she's always polite, I feel nothing but guilt yet haven't had the courage to admit how hurtful my actions were. I'm ashamed it has taken me until mid 40s to realise how mentally unwell and emotionally immature I was back then. I'd like to make amends.

You could perhaps write her a note. A "friend" of mine ghosted me when I really needed her friendship at the time. Long story, but I supported her through various things like divorce, cancer, relationship break-up, bereavement, etc. When I was in hospital, seriously ill for 2 months, she rang a couple of times, but then only visited me at home when I'd contacted her. Didn't see or hear from her for another year. No contact now for 6 months. I'd appreciate a note of apology, then I could think "fuck off now"

My friend ghosted on me ten over years ago after I called her mum because I was concerned about her drinking and drug use. I would absolutely welcome hearing from her.

Surely it is possible and OK to
make an apology for its own sake, because it is the right thing to do.

Without any expectation of reconciliation, or a response, and without it being ‘all about you’?

I think so, personally.

As I previously stated, an acknowledgement of the pain caused is an important part of the apology.

Reach out and apologise but make sure it isn’t littered with excuses and don’t get hurt if she doesn’t respond.

I was ghosted by a friend I'd had for 30 years over 14 years ago. I don't think I'll ever get over it. No reason given. Just dropped. She has politely responded to messages on social media but clearly doesn't want me in her life.

If she reached out and apologised now I'd be grateful to know why she did what she did. Whether we'd have a friendship again... I honestly don't know.

So as long as you don't expect anything other than closure to a horrible thing you did, then yes... go ahead and apologise.

Yes this. I was ghosted about 7 years ago too. No idea what I did wrong so I still wonder. I suspect in my case it was because my "friend" had moved her kids to private school and she then had a better class of friends as she did keep telling me about her new million friend with a mansion.

But once someone shows you that they deal with problems by walking away and not talking? There are 9 better people out there for every 1 ghoster and I'd never trust or respect them again. Plus it's been way to long to repair now. Your different people now.

I’ve been on the receiving end of being ghosted, and would appreciate an apology and some kind of explanation, as I’ve spent 10 years wondering what I did wrong and it would be nice to know I didn’t.

Leave her alone. I was ghosted by my exbff and it’s was horrible. She made me feel absolutely worthless and a total waste of space. She did eventually tell me what it was but I will never forget what she did as she’s left me with anxiety and I wanted to end my life!! Fuck off and leave her alone. Yes I’m still angry and upset.

I absolutely would apologise and explain yourself. At the very least, you will feel better in yourself. I did something similar to a very dear friend in my mid 20’s. We had been friends since our A’ levels. I was in a very bad place after my mother died from a painful, terminal illness, which I nursed her through. My life was in the toilet and I was in utter despair. I felt my friend had let me down in my time of need. I’d been there for her through numerous family hardships and didn’t feel she was there for me in return when I needed her. In reality her life was going brilliantly - new career and new husband and she felt ill equipped emotionally to help me through my tremendous loss. I should have understood that bereavement is not something everyone deals with well and understood her well meaning advice of getting counselling. We had occasional, polite contact through 2 mutual friends but 9 years ago, I emailed her and explained everything. She was very kind in her reply. We finally met up with our 2 mutual friends last year and will do again this coming summer, when I am back in the UK, as I currently live overseas. It was wonderful to catch up! We are now in our late 40’s and have established the beginnings of a friendship.

I think ghosting is really cowardly personally. If you want to end that friendship and are angry with them for a valid reason then that’s fine but cutting contact eg ghosting means the other person doesn’t know what they’ve done wrong and has no idea if you’re suffering in another way.

I also feel if you end a friendship generally there’s no way back especially as you’ve both said or done unforgivable and unforgettable things. There were 2 friendships over the years where 1 friend spoke to me about my faults and then we restarted the friendship, it just gave her annunciation to treat me badly again! I was someone she did a lot of things with (both single) so I think she liked that side of the friendship. The second friend she’d been strange over the years but then was attacked and behaved badly over that but the police and a court case were involved and we both behaved badly. When we met up she was really apologetic and the friendship resumed but she continued treating me like shit with words and actions, then something happened over me lending her money and I thought she’s the same as before and I don’t want this friendship.

In your case I’d leave well alone. Apologise if you’d like but nothing else.

Having been in the situation where I was the one who was ghosted - I would welcome the explanation and apology. What happened essentially made me doubt every meaningful interaction I had with my ex-friend, and question whether any part of our friendship was genuine. I have had therapy over it and my therapist described ghosting as a ‘character assassination’ of the victim, as it can make them question everything and impacts how they act/think/form relationships forever more. I’d like to know I wasn’t going crazy.

I've been ghosted twice. The hardest thing is getting no closure, so I'd appreciate an apology or explanation. Like others I wouldn't want to resume the friendship.

Be sure that you are apologising for the right reasons, not to ease your guilt.

As someone who is still truly hurt by having a friend ghost me, I say apologise.

If my friend got in touch with me now, I’d just be really pleased that she recognised that her actions were hurtful.

I would welcome an explanation as long as you'd also welcome a passive aggressive thumbs up reaction in response.

Absolutely apologize to her. Do it for yourself and don’t expect anything from it. She doesn’t have to accept the apology, you just have to give it. It will do so much for you. You are still having feelings about it every time you see her. It’s always best to clean up your side of the street. That cloud you feel when you do run into her will be much smaller.

I just had a huge blow up with my sister. We aren’t talking (nothing abnormal there). I texted her a few days later, cleaning up my side of the street. She did not respond at all. I’m actually fine with the rift being permanent. I feel much better having made amends for my part, even though I honestly believe she was about 90% of the problem. Others agree that what she did was actually unforgivable.

Like with your ex-friend breaking your confidence, that was most likely unforgivable to you. Still, cleaning up your side of the street will make you feel much better. You can always just apologize for the manner in which you reacted to it, not the fact that you cut her off. I once had to apologize to a boyfriend for breaking up with him via email. I didn’t apologize for breaking up with him, just for doing it over email. That was pretty lame, if I do say do myself. :-)

I had a friend for many years
From uni who it took a while to twig that she was elbowing me out of her circle, and I felt like everyone knew except me, but I am
Astute and felt the draft! I stepped back, she contacted me again and I gave her a
Chance , it was to tape for information from my job and get contacts, and again ghosted me. I don't want to know about her now - she's shown her true colours now.
If you can honestly say it was just a blip then speak to her, but if you've done the wrong thing by this person then maybe just leave her be, unless she's in a dire situation and you'll actually be there for her

If you apologise and she wants to rekindle the friendship, what will you do?

It would be awful to ghost her again.

As the person who was your friend in a similar situation, apologising is nice to do, as well as annoying. I felt it was good that they realised albeit years later. Also it did bring back those feelings I had at time. Not sure what I'm trying to say exactly, my advice is do it! Send the apology

Breaking up with someone via email isn’t necessarily lame. Sometimes you just don’t feel you will be able to say what you need to in person or are scared of the reaction.

I thought I was going crazy too. After 20 years I now know I wasn’t going mad. It has taken this long though.

Very similar experience to me. I let my friends actions cause me to question so many things about myself, I became a lot less confident socially and was genuinely very upset. Hardest part was she stayed friends with others in the group so it was personal towards me and im now constantly afraid they will turn against me too. I still get anxious if I'm invited to something by a mutual friend as our paths have crossed a few times. She lives near a park and im nervous to bring the kids there for the same reason. Even for closure sake I would love an explanation so i can move on. Its been 6 years.

I'd ask her how we could ever trust each other again. We've both changed too, time changes you doesn't it.
Despite all these replies, I'm still undecided. The posters saying I'd hurt her all over again are what's stopping me. I would understand a "fuck off" or a "thanks for that" or silence, but I don't want to risk hurting her more than I already have.

Yes, you should apologise.
I think it will be potentially be good for your friend to hear, and this is obviously still in your present as you are thinking about it, this may be the what will help you forgive yourself and your friend to see you are sorry.

Be brave. The response may suprise you.

I’ve been through something like this and an apology would mean the world to me. So long as it didn’t come with strings