To want to apologise to friend I ghosted?

[Fortytwothrough]

Deliberately NC as I know she's on here. If a friend ghosted you almost a decade ago, sought therapy, realised it was a cruel overreaction used as a defence mechanism and was a clear flaw in her character that she was working on, would you want an apology or not?

It is out of deep regret and shame for having hurt someone I cared about, not because I want anything from her.

She broke my confidence and rather than speak to her about it like a grown up, I ghosted her.

AIBU to try to say sorry,or should I leave well alone. We live in the same place so do run into one another a few times a year, she's always polite, I feel nothing but guilt yet haven't had the courage to admit how hurtful my actions were. I'm ashamed it has taken me until mid 40s to realise how mentally unwell and emotionally immature I was back then. I'd like to make amends.

If it was me then I would appreciate the apology

If someone had ghosted me I’m not sure what I would make of an apology - apologies are generally for the apologiser - I guess I would think it was a bit pointless.

I don’t really know why you’d have to work on yourself to be friends with someone. If you find it that hard then maybe just leave it alone.

I think she might appreciate the apology, she may have gone through a lot of upset about it and this could help her. You say you over-reacted, and only you know the exact circumstances and the dynamic of your friendship to judge that. So - I'd send an email or short message apologising with expectation of reciprocation and then you'll know you have taken some action to atone for it.

Was she a very close and long-standing friend? If not it might not have been that significant to
her? It depends on what she did as well, sometimes friendships just come to a natural end and you just weren’t that compatible anymore. I’d probably leave it tbh, unless she was an extremely close friend

At the mo she just has experience of your behaviour, which you admit you're ashamed of. So, tell her. You want to do that, so do it.
At least then she'll have your honesty.

I was ghosted by a lifelong best friend. It was incredibly painful and has taken me years to heal from. If I heard from her now, any apology would seem insincere and self-serving. Do you expect her to forgive you and absolve you somehow? You had been selfish and the damage is done. You feel uncomfortable for a reason and that’s your responsibility to bear, not hers. You need to let it lie.

Just to add, an apology is meaningless unless you plan to make amends. Just saying sorry and strutting of into the distance feeling great about yourself is a purely selfish act.
Hmm, I think I must still be bitter 😂

I would love my old friend to get back in contact, I think we are both in the wrong and had stuff going on. But I don't think she ever would and her life has changed a lot since we haven't been talking so I wouldn't want to reach out to her as from what I've seen she looks a lot happier now.

Did she ever apologise for breaking your confidence?

I would want the apology.

I have been in a similar situation but on the other side of things. Friend reached out to me with an apology via message after 8-9 years. I did appreciate the apology, but because I had got over everything that had happened, it kind of gave me the ‘ick’. We said we would meet for a coffee (I felt too awkward to decline) but fortunately nothing came of it and we never re established the friendship.

I totally understand you wanting to apologise and seek forgiveness, but perhaps you need to just accept what’s happened and forgive yourself because no one is perfect and you did what you had to do at a very difficult time of your life :)

This. I still don’t know what I did wrong but I miss her.

Ah exactly the same here. Also, OP - I'd leave well alone really.

I changed my number when I left my marriage and went no contact because he was abusive. I was in a major transition period and I sweated over whether to give my friend my new number and in the end decided not to and so, in effect disappeared from her life. She was controlling, there would be digs at me and dragging me back to the past when I didn't want to talk about it anymore and she saw me as a project to fix. The last time me and DC stayed at hers I felt like I was on eggshells, she was prone to kicking off at her partner and kids and her father had cut contact with her because she could just be so unpleasant to be around. We did know each other for years though and also had some great laughs at times. I started avoiding her and then feeling anxious about having to call her. I would come away from calls with her feeling angry and realised she needed me to be vulnerable so that she could 'fix' me. She belonged to the old me and that wasn't the direction I was headed. I know she would never have been someone I could have told my feelings about her and our friendship to - BUT I also have history of not really speaking my feelings, so she didn't know I was getting unhappy.

It's not my finest moment. But then ghosting is different to cutting contact with someone in your life who makes you unhappy. Ghosting is deliberately using someone and then disappearing - it's not quite the same.

As my therapist said at the time 'she'll get over it' - I talked a lot about it in therapy and do sometimes think of her, and feel guilty, but then I was miserable and if she came back into my life, the same patronising crap would start.

I would feel the apology was only to make the OP feel better so no, I'd probably tell you where to stick your apology.

I was ghosted once. I used to chat to someone online in a gaming group. One day I said that I was finding my young children tricky and they'd had a few meltdowns (one was in special school, another in preschool, one a baby). She said that I should strip their rooms of all their toys, etc., and make them go to their rooms to punish them. I said that I wasn't going to do that. She got really insistent that I wasn't disciplining them enough and I couldn't cope with her ire as well as their behaviour, so said that I needed to log off for the night. That was the last she ever spoke to me. It seems that she was offended that I wouldn't take her 'advice'. She was offended that I ended the discussion.

If she found me and apologised, I'd be really grateful. I don't play that game anymore, my life has moved on, it turns out that 2 of my DC have ASD and one is on the waiting list. I shouldn't care, but I still have flashes of memories of that night, feeling that I was misjudged. I was just a Mum of children with SN, doing her best in a very difficult situation.

I was ghosted by a friend 12 years ago, completely out of the blue. Had been friends for 10 years, very close, told each other everything. Then just stopped answering my calls and texts, blocked me on fb etc. No idea what it was about, was awful, felt like a relationship ending in some ways, I cried so much. I still think of her on her birthday and wonder if she thinks of me on mine. For the first year or so I would have loved to hear from her not now, I'm not so sure. I dream about her occasionally and in the dreams we become friends again but in real life I don't think I could. I'd still like to know what happened though!

I’ve been the friend who broke the confidence of another in the distant past, which resulted in a ghosting. It was very traumatic. I had always wanted to exchange apologies as I think we both behaved badly. However, I felt like I couldn’t reach out again and left it, and moved on. However, if I did hear from the ghost friend I would appreciate an apology as it would give me a chance to apologise too.

Sorry I didnt read the whole thread.
My dh ghosted his friend 10 yrs ago. They moved abroad 2 yr later. They moved back last year and I bumped into the wife in the supermarket, they had moved to the closest town to us. Went for a coffe with her within a month my dh and his friend were back talking. 1 yr later the fall out has never been mentioned and we are all back been friends.
Maybe next time you see her ask her for a coffee and a chat. You never know.

I'd be impressed that they had the decency to apologise. I might not feel like returning to the friendship but I would think better of them for it.

In her shoes I would appreciate the apology & explanation, even in light of your last post saying you don't have it in you to give to a renewed friendship. Just be honest. Glad

Ghosting hurts, so much. Friendship breakdowns can be more painful than breaking up with a romantic partner and she deserves to know the truth.

Send your apology, but make no overtures to renewing the friendship, just apologise/ explain. If she wants to renew the friendship - I'd be surprised - then you can address the issue of not having enough to give to it, but honesty will be the best policy.

Absolutely, it's really rare. The older I've got the more I've realised people will do anything to not apologise.

No, there's nobody from my past who has wronged me in any kind of friendship or relationship capacity that i would ever want to hear from again. Life is for moving forward, not backwards.

I was ghosted by someone years ago and it really hurt at the time as we were so close. I always wondered what I did wrong. If she ever got in touch to say similar to your OP I actually think it would really help so I'm in the yes contact her category

I would appreciate the apology hugely. We might not be friends going forward but it would help me understand

No. You've got to just sit with your own uncomfortable feelings about this and not hand them to someone else to take on / fix / forgive, which is what it sounds like you're wanting to do. We all do things we're not proud of sometimes, and we have to accept the guilt and shame that result.

Also - she may not have been all that bothered by being 'ghosted'. Sometimes people just drift apart, or fall out with each other, and most people are able to accept that. So your feelings about how bad a thing this was may be exaggerated.