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Original poster

To want to apologise to friend I ghosted?

189 replies

Fortytwothrough · 30/05/2023 19:45

Deliberately NC as I know she's on here. If a friend ghosted you almost a decade ago, sought therapy, realised it was a cruel overreaction used as a defence mechanism and was a clear flaw in her character that she was working on, would you want an apology or not?

It is out of deep regret and shame for having hurt someone I cared about, not because I want anything from her.

She broke my confidence and rather than speak to her about it like a grown up, I ghosted her.

AIBU to try to say sorry,or should I leave well alone. We live in the same place so do run into one another a few times a year, she's always polite, I feel nothing but guilt yet haven't had the courage to admit how hurtful my actions were. I'm ashamed it has taken me until mid 40s to realise how mentally unwell and emotionally immature I was back then. I'd like to make amends.

OP posts:
Glitterybee · 30/05/2023 20:39

I was ghosted by a very close friend 15 years ago.

completely out of the blue. We had babies and seen each other a few times a week, messaged most days. The last I saw her was at a party I arranged for her…. Everything was fun, fine & normal and then she fell off the face of the earth.

myself and another very close mutual friend (who she also ghosted too) often speak about this and just wonder why!

Yazo · 30/05/2023 20:39

I don't know, I'd love to hear from my old friend, but to be a friend, not to make her feel better by forgiving her. That takes more work and effort I think and the possible rejection. I don't know what I think, she was my best friend and never even got in touch when my dad died. I have no doubt she has things going on, I don't take it personally, but it's not simple to rectify.

Lullibyebye · 30/05/2023 20:40

I 100% get how you are feeling. I did the same to someone about 12 years ago who was having a shit time and really needed me. They bombarded me with so many phonecalls and relied on me to do things for them so much it started to make me feel incredibly stressed and ill so I just blocked them 😳 I too also had some counselling and realise I was a massive dick and should have just communicated how I was feeling and I really want to apologise to them but feel so ashamed. I have no words of wisdom, just letting you know that someone else feels the same.

SerafinasGoose · 30/05/2023 20:41

I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

It's been a long time and this is probably kindest in the circumstances.

madamovaries · 30/05/2023 20:42

Apologise but with no expectation of being forgiven, restarting the friendship or her even accepting the apology.

GracePalmer33 · 30/05/2023 20:42

Don't understand the people saying they'd tell you to fuck off. Id be more than willing to listen to an apology and happy to forgive.

CurtainsForBea · 30/05/2023 20:43

Have you been ghosted by a friend though? It's hard to explain how hurtful it can be.

Justalittlebitduckling · 30/05/2023 20:45

During the pandemic, a friend from school reached out to say she was sorry for cutting me off at school when we were 16. I had got over it so long ago, that I was somewhat perplexed by it tbh. She must have been carrying guilt around all those years, whereas I’d put it down to us just being 16 and going in different directions.

Original poster
Fortytwothrough · 30/05/2023 20:46

Yazo · 30/05/2023 20:39

I don't know, I'd love to hear from my old friend, but to be a friend, not to make her feel better by forgiving her. That takes more work and effort I think and the possible rejection. I don't know what I think, she was my best friend and never even got in touch when my dad died. I have no doubt she has things going on, I don't take it personally, but it's not simple to rectify.

I know what you mean. I don't have enough to give to be a good friend to her right now, wish I did, a rebuild would take a lot of work. It could end up a rejection all over again. I'd be popping up to say sorry and popping back out again. It's unfair to assume she'd be ok with that. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective, I was coming at it from a closure perspective. Fuck.
The more I think about it, the more I think I should leave her alone.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 30/05/2023 20:46

Yeah, I think I’d more or less let it go.

If you do decide to do this I wouldn’t necessarily initiate any contact but some day in the future if you happened to stumble across har and it wasn’t awkward timing you might be able to get something out like this.

Hey, just want to apologize for dropping out all those years ago. That was on me and I know that now. No expectations going forward just want you to I’m sorry.

Hollyppp · 30/05/2023 20:47

Let sleeping dogs lie. I’ve had a couple of close female friendships end (one age 19 and one age 28) and I think it’s best to leave them and walk away

SchoolShenanigans · 30/05/2023 20:50

I don't think it's ever too late to say sorry. It's impossible to know if she'd be willing to patch things up but you'll never know unless you try. Good luck!

SoShallINever · 30/05/2023 20:54

Whatever kind of therapy you are having, you need to re evaluate how helpful and reputable it is. You talk about "atonement", and forgiveness? Have you become involved in a religious organisation or something?
Conventional therapy should not make you feel guilty. She broke your confidence and you reacted a certain way at the time.
She has no obligation to forgive you.
Just forgive yourself and move on.

DrHousecuredme · 30/05/2023 20:54

I've been ghosted once and I would welcome her reaching out to clear the air. In that particular case I would end up apologising too because we both contributed to the end of the friendship.
That said, I wouldn't pick the friendship back up it would just be nice to have closure.
If you do it then make sure it's for the right reasons.
I don't think many friendships can be restarted after a ghosting.

Advicerequest · 30/05/2023 20:55

Yes. I have done this several times.
in one case We rekindled the friendship after i apologised (three years after ghosting).
In the second I didn't ghost but i I unintentionally hurt someone who I liked. I called them up six years later, met them and apologised unreservedly. He accepted my apology and thanked me. Our friendship did not survive but I found peace. He died soon after so I'm glad I got the chance.

I also apologised unreservedly to a woman who contacted Me furious 25 years after I'd slept with her husband (she knew about us at the time - he had a fiction his wife consented to the affair). I think it gave her peace.

Flymetothemoon2000 · 30/05/2023 20:56

Reading all of your replies, it sounds like you want closure more for yourself than her. You want to say sorry because it'd make you feel better. It feels pretty selfish. I think its best leaving your old friend alone.

forgotmyusername1 · 30/05/2023 20:57

I have been on the other side of this. A friend ghosted me and I never knew why. She got in contact with me again a number of years later and I now understand what happened and while I dont think we will ever be besties we can be acquaintances again and possibly rebuild a relationship again. I appreciate her getting back in contact. It must have taken some guts to do it.

billy1966 · 30/05/2023 20:58

Leave it alone OP.

However you reacted, it was from her betrayal.

I appreciate she wanted to fix it, but you were not in a place to accept that.

Indiscretion is a tricky one.

People take it very very personally.

I am a "to the grave" type of person.
I have reared my children to be very discreet.
It is a great life skill that has served them and me well.

I have moved on from friends in the past 40 years, but their secrets are 100% in the vault no matter what.

I would never repeat the private conversations of any friendships.

I would never want to re-engage with an indiscreet person either.

I have great similarly discreet friends.

VenusClapTrap · 30/05/2023 21:01

I had someone get in touch out of the blue a few years ago, to say sorry for being a dick years previously. He had reflected on his behaviour and realised it was completely unacceptable. I appreciated the gesture and accepted his apology. We met up for a coffee which was slightly weird but quite nice to catch up, then parted on good terms and that was the end of it.

Passerillage · 30/05/2023 21:02

I would apologise.

I was ghosted by someone abut 12 years ago and it broke my heart. It would mean the world to me to have her speak to me about it now.

LoonyLois · 30/05/2023 21:05

I have a friend who I haven’t spoken to in about six years. She stopped talking to me because of political differences, and literally blocked me on everything. We were so close, used to go away together and spoke nearly every day. She was my best friend and I do refer to her as my “ex-best friend”

I would love her to get back in touch. I don’t think we would be as pally as we were, but I do miss her. We had good times. I now live closer to her than I did when we were friends but I can’t reach out to her because I’m blocked on everything.

You can only try

Banrockmystation · 30/05/2023 21:06

If you owe someone an apology then you should apologise. That’s kind of all there is to it! It doesn’t matter about any of the other stuff you are agonising over. If you did something wrong then just say sorry and move on.

porridgeisbae · 30/05/2023 21:09

I think it'd be hard to apologise without saying 'I did that because you...' if you see what I mean. It'd bring it all up again. She maybe really regrets what she did and doesn't want to think about it. Mind you, I suppose you could both apologise to each other.

Latenightreader · 30/05/2023 21:09

I ghosted a friend. I made a mistake and rather than dealing with it, buried my head in the sand and then felt it was too late to correct. A couple of years ago (about eight years after) I sent a really apologetic message, briefly explaining why I had acted that way, stressing it was not the result of any action of hers, and wholeheartedly apologising. She replied saying she had been very hurt at the time, but thanking me for explaining. We chatted a little, and it was nice, but we don’t have the same friendship we used to.

I was ghosted by my best friend from school over 20 years ago. We had gone our separate ways but stayed in touch, and then she just dropped contact. I have no idea why, and almost don’t care now. I would be so happy if she got in touch.

Paperlate · 30/05/2023 21:12

It would probably make her feel very awkward about her part in it and perhaps she would rather let it lie rather than have to go over it all again.