To want to apologise to friend I ghosted?

[Fortytwothrough]

Deliberately NC as I know she's on here. If a friend ghosted you almost a decade ago, sought therapy, realised it was a cruel overreaction used as a defence mechanism and was a clear flaw in her character that she was working on, would you want an apology or not?

It is out of deep regret and shame for having hurt someone I cared about, not because I want anything from her.

She broke my confidence and rather than speak to her about it like a grown up, I ghosted her.

AIBU to try to say sorry,or should I leave well alone. We live in the same place so do run into one another a few times a year, she's always polite, I feel nothing but guilt yet haven't had the courage to admit how hurtful my actions were. I'm ashamed it has taken me until mid 40s to realise how mentally unwell and emotionally immature I was back then. I'd like to make amends.

Move on. Don't look back.

Wow @Fortytwothrough I am going through exactly the same. I didn't ghost my friend, but made less and less effort once I had decided I wanted to withdraw from the friendship. It was horrible of me to do and only years later, after much therapy and lots more self awareness, do I think about how it made her feel.

It had nothing to do with her. I just couldn't be a friend and didn't know how or why. I was completely self absorbed in my mental illness.

For weeks I have thought to write to her to say I'm sorry, it had nothing to do with her and that in hindsight I now know that I was very ill. I don't want to intrude into her life and have no expectations of the friendship working again. Part of me just wants to do the right thing and deliver a genuine apology. I do regret what I did and know I missed out on many years of good friendship. I'll my intuition guide me and think I will email her once the moment feels right.

Honestly I think I would, but it all depends how you go about it.

It's been a decade so clearly it's on your mind. Contacting them out of the blue may feel a bit like you're after something.

Personally I'd write a message, detailing your apology and wishing them all the best. Make it clear from that message that you expect nothing from them, not even a reply. Send it and move on.

If they contact you back, take it from there but if they don't, you've apologised and done as you needed and they've had the apology they (maybe.. I don't know what she did) deserve. Hopefully closure for everyone.

I was ghosted by a friend 11 years ago. I have agonised over what could have caused it and I honestly cannot think of anything. I reached out a couple of years ago, saying I missed her and if I did anything to upset her I’m sorry. I got a reply saying no, she just got busy. Rubbish. All I wanted then and would still love is an explanation. Not even bothered about an apology. Don’t need to be friends again. So in your shoes, yes, please do at least explain yourself!

She broke your trust in what way?
Im sure she knew she should not have done something, whatever it was.
I think it's ncie for you to get closure, so I would say why you ghosted her, and then you can move on.

If it were me, I'd appreciate an apology and would be happy to be friends again.

I’d suggest doing a bit of research on the Alcoholics Anonymous way of making amends.

Ive used it a few times after learning about it from my partner. If you go in open about admitting how you were wrong, and not expecting anything in return, I think it will be a weight off your shoulders. I highly doubt she will tell you to ‘fuck off’ like some people are saying, but I also wouldn’t expect her to pretend it never happened

This is me as well.

I’ve been ghosted and would appreciate it. Probably in written format with no return details and making it clear that no response is expected / required. Just an apology.

In answer to what do I want to atone, honestly it's to do the right thing. I wouldn't expect her to trust me again, neither of us could repair the trust. I don't expect anything from her at all. I behaved appallingly. If it would help her to have the closure I'd like to give her that.

Can't say how she broke my confidence, too detailed. It wasn't bad enough for me to ghost somebody, that's for sure. The mature, respectful thing to do would have been a frank conversation. I wasn't capable back then.

It is out of deep regret and shame for having hurt someone I cared about, not because I want anything from her.

You do want something from her though and that's understanding and/or forgiveness.

You need to consider whether you're mentally strong enough to cope, if you don't get it from her.

You talk a lot about you hurting her, but it seems she hurt you too, has she ever reached and apologised? Or tried to get in touch otherwise? Or has the contact just stopped?

I feel the same. The deliberation is driving me mad. Would it be raking up the past, is it better left there. On the other hand, she deserves to know I accept I was a twat.

She broke your confidence? I don't think she should expect a friendship to be the same after that! It doesn't sound like you're entitled to blame.

Entirely to blame

Reading your posts I wonder if you are not too harsh on yourself OP!

She did hurt me, I should have explained to her at the time. She reached out too, a couple of times, asking what she'd done wrong. I said she hadn't done anything wrong then didn't reply. She gave up in the end, left me to it.

She broke your confidence and you think you should apologise? That's a deal breaker for me. I need to be able to trust my friends.

I don't think any good comes from raking up the past. It sounds like the apology would be more for your benefit than hers.

I had a friend seek me out and apologise to me a few years ago for her behaviour many years prior to that. I realised after she, again, never got in touch, that she was apologising purely to make herself feel better. And she was equally as selfish as she had always been. Should have just told her to fuck off.

Having read your futher updates, I think you need to leave it.

You want to do this to satisfy some itch in you. But I think you should leave your ex friend in peace and live with and fully accept what you did.

This is something I'm also working on!

Yes, this matters.

I’ve been ghosted in the past and I think I’d genuinely find it more painful if they contacted me today to explain or apologise.

Every situation is different and you need to do what feels right to you.

She may have known what she did wrong (re the break of trust- is it likely? ) and rather than own up, she knew you would have forgotten about it or not mention it.
People drift apart. Some people dwell on for years why, some move on.
I really would not be beating yourself about your guilt, in your case the blame was on her side for breaching the trust to begin with. Maybe (or maybe not) you acted over the top, but Im sure you had a right to do what you did.

I drifted apart from a very good friend who also did something I could not gloss over, at the time it was a right decision. I would not even mention it to her now as in perspective it was silly, but at the time it wasn't.
And for you maybe it's the same, you agonise over something that went wrong not because of you.