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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being a CF here?

388 replies

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:08

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

OP posts:
AMuser · 30/05/2023 19:09

Oh god.

FFS.

Two words.

COCK LODGER

FiloPasty · 30/05/2023 19:09

Oh yes as above!

Run for the hills!!!

Missingmyusername · 30/05/2023 19:11

“Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?”

Erm Yes. He is a cf.

Whilst at it get to a solicitor and protect your house!

AMuser · 30/05/2023 19:11

What first attracted you to this loser. He’s onto a good one eh. Out of his Dad’s bedroom and into a daft woman’s nearly paid off house. Rubbing his hands in glee.

ItsEasilyDone · 30/05/2023 19:11

Dont do it

He will complain about the cost of living at yours, wont contribute properly and you'll end up resenting him

Make him rent his own place for 6 months to a year and then he can move in with you,

bibbityboppityboo · 30/05/2023 19:11

Don't do it!!

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 19:12

What everyone has already said. This is not normal at all. He needs to pay his way.

Will be expect you to chip in for his child as well?

MrsDrDear · 30/05/2023 19:12

Nobody loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

This is all kinds of wrong. Hope you really reconsider.

papayabread · 30/05/2023 19:12

Surely he currently has an appropriately sized bed and wardrobe at his DFs that won't be needed when DF moves?

Get him to bring those, even if they don't match, or he pays himself for new stuff.

Original poster
Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:13

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.
It's the wardrobe and stuff that has got me a bit mardy!

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 30/05/2023 19:13

DONT DO IT!!!!!!

Greenfree · 30/05/2023 19:13

I would make sure have something in place to protect your house as even if doesn't pay a mortgage if your together long enough he can make a potential claim against if you split up.

With regards to new furniture I would be asking him to pay as just be honest that you can't afford it. Could you save up for a new bed together? The bed thing makes sense but I have no idea why he would want to spend money changing a wardrobe.

I would have an honest conversation with him about how your splitting expenses going forward. Hope it all works out

TheSnowyOwl · 30/05/2023 19:13

Make sure you legally protect yourself regarding him moving in.

I wouldn't buy the bed or wardrobe. Just say you can’t afford it and don’t have surplus money for that sort of thing so he can either manage without or buy himself.

Rhondaa · 30/05/2023 19:14

Absolutely do not allow him to move in until you have a solid agreement regarding finances. It's the most basic thing to iron out.

As an aside I had no idea folk bought beds and wardrobes to suit height, I thought they were all pretty standard 🤔

AMuser · 30/05/2023 19:14

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:13

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.
It's the wardrobe and stuff that has got me a bit mardy!

For Christ’s sake gave the bloody chat!!!

How long have you known this prince among men.

Does he pay for his child that lives with him 0% of the time???

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 30/05/2023 19:15

Christ on a bike, get him away from you pronto! This will not end well op. Please protect yourself and your kids and don’t let this leech move in, he can find a house share or rent by himself. Don’t end up like the hundreds of other posters who are stuck with these cocklodgers draining all their money.

Original poster
Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:15

papayabread · 30/05/2023 19:12

Surely he currently has an appropriately sized bed and wardrobe at his DFs that won't be needed when DF moves?

Get him to bring those, even if they don't match, or he pays himself for new stuff.

It's an awful heavy old bed and old fashioned built in furniture 🤮.

OP posts:
AMuser · 30/05/2023 19:15

“Generous mostly.” Lol.

Wishitsnows · 30/05/2023 19:16

So you will lose WTC and CTC if he moves in. He would need to cover that and some rent, bills. If he is only willing to chip in on furniture he wants I’d say he is lining up to be a cocklodger

Mythril · 30/05/2023 19:16

Why do you need to move him in with your two young sons. You lose your benefits, complicate your kids' lives for what? Some loser who still lives with his dad and wants you to buy him new furniture? Can't you date him and leave it at that?

AhNowTed · 30/05/2023 19:18

Seriously OP, this is ridiculous.

Before you even get into who's paying for a new bed and wardrobe that HE WANTS....

How much per month will he be contacting to board and bills??

TeaKitten · 30/05/2023 19:18

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:13

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.
It's the wardrobe and stuff that has got me a bit mardy!

It’s very worrying that you think there is no indication he won’t want to pay his fair share… use some common sense woman! He doesn’t currently pay his fair share to his dad, he wants you to pay for the wardrobe, he doesn’t have his own property… he’s a looser. These are allllll big flashing indicators, don’t be blinded because he’s ‘lovely’

Coffeeandanap · 30/05/2023 19:18

Sounds like a hobosexual, run

AMuser · 30/05/2023 19:19

This is going to be one of those threads were the OP doesn’t listen to the universal spotting of a cocklodger isn’t it.

Be good to look back on it when she’s trying to get him out in 5 years time 😢

EvilElsa · 30/05/2023 19:19

Please PLEASE be so careful. You have a good life with a nearly paid for house. Do you really want to move in a "mostly generous" bloke who is already pushing his luck with cheeky requests? Is he the type who will be asking you to sub him the money for his child maintenance soon?