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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being a CF here?

388 replies

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:08

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 30/05/2023 19:30

You need to sit down before - i repeat BEFORE he moves in and have a chat about finances. If he is moving in he will also in essence need to take on some of the financial burden of your two children. Work out exactly how much your outgoings are per month with regards to all bills and running costs. See a solicitor and protect your mortgage. Make sure he is very very clearly aware that he will have no claim on the property at any stage. Be clear and tell him what proportion of outgoings and food etc he will be expected to contribute each month without fail and with no excuses. You should not and must not be subsidising his lifestyle or living costs. If he is the eight man he will be fair and reasonable. Don’t be taken for a ride!

CalistoNoSolo · 30/05/2023 19:31

Wtf benefit will this man actually bring to your life, but more importantly, your childrens lives? I think you would be beyond insane to allow him to move in.

FlamingoQueen · 30/05/2023 19:32

Have conversations with him now. If you have your own house, don’t risk it for someone who is already suggesting you buy things.

Curseofthenation · 30/05/2023 19:33

Nah, he makes do with the regular size bed or he forks out for the bed himself.

Make sure you clearly discuss the bill contributions now OP. God knows why you're discussing furniture purchases before getting the nitty gritty out of the way.

Butterflybutterflies · 30/05/2023 19:34

With regards to the new furniture tell him he can sell your current bed and wardrobe and use the proceeds as your contribution towards the new ones.
It does sound like you need to really look at your finances and set clear boundaries before he moves in. Also protect yourself and your children so you don’t lose the house of you split up.

Noicant · 30/05/2023 19:34

Don’t do it, you can still date but do not move him into your house and don’t assume he will contribute fairly financially or to the running of the house. it’s not like you want a bed, he wants a bed but you are supposed to provide him with one. You know you will end up subsiding him and I’m guessing cooking cleaning etc as well.

Tonkerbea · 30/05/2023 19:34

Oh god OP, wake up. I face palmed through most of your post, moving him in is a bad idea on multiple levels. Put you and your son's first, continue dating your partner (if you must), but don't worsen your financial prospects for this prince among men. Put your children first.it doesn't matter how much they like him, he'll leach money that could be put away for your DC's future.

aloris · 30/05/2023 19:35

I don't understand why you assume he'll pay his share of the bills when he's expecting you to replace your new furniture at mostly your expense... for his benefit. His logic is already skewed but you seem to think he'll somehow become reasonable when it comes to the mortgage and expenses. Are you sure that if he pays you rent he won't try to turn it into a claim that he is part owner of your home? Also, if you are losing your CTC and WFTC because he's moving in, then that should factor in to what he pays you. He's going to be financially better off, and you (and your kids!) worse off, for him moving in with you. Why would you do this? It makes no sense whatsoever. You have little children who depend on you, you need to be ruthless about making sure you look out for their needs. Don't risk their stability on trusting men to be self-sacrificing, it's not a good risk.

Original poster
Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:36

MichelleScarn · 30/05/2023 19:23

So does he never stay over and sleep in your terribly unsuitable bed at the moment?

Yes, he tends to curl up so his feet don't hang over the edge, he takes up more space curled up and I moan! 😆

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/05/2023 19:36

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:13

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.
It's the wardrobe and stuff that has got me a bit mardy!

Erm, yes you have… He needs/wants a new bed and wardrobe and expects you to pay for them and you pay more than you share for meals out etc. That’s your indication twice over

aloris · 30/05/2023 19:38

If he buys the bedroom furniture himself, what will happen to yours? Where will it go? If you break up, will you have to spend on all new furniture? Either way (whether you buy new furniture or he does) this is not a winning situation for you. He is winning and you are losing, either way.

suburbophobe · 30/05/2023 19:38

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.

Jesus! You're moving a guy into your house but "still need to have that chat"?!

You're going about it back to front.

Of course he's keen to move in as his dad is throwing him out basically.

I wouldn't want an adult guy moving in who still lives at home.

And what about your kids? Primary aged. Your decision to move this guy in will make a HUGE change to their life. They might love him (he doesn't live there) but they cannot oversee the impact this will have on their life.

I'm a solo mum by the way and there is no way in hell I'd ever let a man move in here. My house is our safe space.

Also, what about his daughter if she has a falling out with her mum - teenagers and all that - who then wants to come and live in your house too.

You'll just end up the skivvy. In my life I saw fuck to all that.

Whatever you do, get your house 100% ringfenced. You owe to to yourself and your children.

ReachForTheMars · 30/05/2023 19:38

I dont get it, surely you talk about who will pay what before moving in?

It is fair to split the costs of mew furniture.

But is he good with money? You say he is generous but you have the perception, without talking to him, that you will be paying it?

Remona · 30/05/2023 19:39

Bloody hell. It’s only 5 years until my house is my own and no way on God’s green earth would anyone be moving in and particularly so when they’ve nothing to bring to the table.

The bedroom furniture is the least of your problems here. This bloke has pound signs in his eyes and no mistake.

He can want a bigger bed and a taller wardrobe (eh?) until he’s blue in the face. Look after yourself first and foremost here and sort the financial situation out.

Original poster
Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:43

Vitriolinsanity · 30/05/2023 19:23

OP when you were writing your opener how many tries did it take and yet still make him look like a CL?

I like hobosexual. I'm going to use that.

Someone put me out of my misery and tell me what this is 😆

OP posts:
Wineismybestfriend · 30/05/2023 19:45

You’ve discussed moving in, buying new furniture etc but haven’t discussed how bills will be paid?

Id be having that discussion now.

TeaKitten · 30/05/2023 19:45

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:43

Someone put me out of my misery and tell me what this is 😆

Show quote history

Pretty obvious really OP, same as cock lodger.

itsmylife7 · 30/05/2023 19:47

Dont do it would be my advice.

Coffeeandanap · 30/05/2023 19:47

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:43

Someone put me out of my misery and tell me what this is 😆

Show quote history

Someone who dates with the purpose of finding somewhere to live - a hobo with a sexual spin

AMuser · 30/05/2023 19:47

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:43

Someone put me out of my misery and tell me what this is 😆

Show quote history

It’s a cocklodger @Thatleadsingersbiggestfan A man who doesn’t support himself financially and leeches off his previous partner, his father (even though he’s an able bodied adult) and then tries to get his feet under the table with his current partner.

Does this ring ANY bells with you at all???

or do you still want to answer only questions about the bed.

You do realise that he’s currently “mostly” generous because his father is subsiding him, right?

GwinCoch · 30/05/2023 19:48

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 30/05/2023 19:30

You need to sit down before - i repeat BEFORE he moves in and have a chat about finances. If he is moving in he will also in essence need to take on some of the financial burden of your two children. Work out exactly how much your outgoings are per month with regards to all bills and running costs. See a solicitor and protect your mortgage. Make sure he is very very clearly aware that he will have no claim on the property at any stage. Be clear and tell him what proportion of outgoings and food etc he will be expected to contribute each month without fail and with no excuses. You should not and must not be subsidising his lifestyle or living costs. If he is the eight man he will be fair and reasonable. Don’t be taken for a ride!

Sage words. Agree with all of this.

viques · 30/05/2023 19:48

Your first post said it all “ being subsidised to a degree” Being subsidised to a blooming PhD I reckon. So what has he done with all the money he has saved sponging off his dad? He must have saved enough to buy a decent bed at least.

Frankly my dear, I wouldn’t bother with buying a new wardrobe for his use , I wouldn’t be letting him unpack his suitcases , or more accurately his bin bags, because he sounds more like a bin bag man than a matching set of suitcases man.

YoSof · 30/05/2023 19:49

So he moved into his ex’s house.

Then moved into his dads.

Now he’s moving into yours?

This has got disaster written all over it, please take the advice you’ve been given.

AMuser · 30/05/2023 19:49

And you’re not going to answer questions about the fact that you’ve discussed him moving in, he’s swaying round Dunelm picking stuff but you’ve not had a discussion about money. Ffs.

LadyLapsang · 30/05/2023 19:50

£40 pw, ‘subsidised to a degree’. If he isn’t a teenager or a new graduate, does he realise the extent of the current subsidy? £40 pw would not even pay the utility bills. I think you have to have a very clear conversation, but better still, don’t move in together.

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