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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being a CF here?

388 replies

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:08

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 30/05/2023 19:52

Coffeeandanap · 30/05/2023 19:18

Sounds like a hobosexual, run

Brilliant 😆

Original poster
Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:52

suburbophobe · 30/05/2023 19:38

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.

Jesus! You're moving a guy into your house but "still need to have that chat"?!

You're going about it back to front.

Of course he's keen to move in as his dad is throwing him out basically.

I wouldn't want an adult guy moving in who still lives at home.

And what about your kids? Primary aged. Your decision to move this guy in will make a HUGE change to their life. They might love him (he doesn't live there) but they cannot oversee the impact this will have on their life.

I'm a solo mum by the way and there is no way in hell I'd ever let a man move in here. My house is our safe space.

Also, what about his daughter if she has a falling out with her mum - teenagers and all that - who then wants to come and live in your house too.

You'll just end up the skivvy. In my life I saw fuck to all that.

Whatever you do, get your house 100% ringfenced. You owe to to yourself and your children.

I might come across as daft but there's no way in ashy hell that I'd allow anyone to get their hands on my house.
It's for my boys, that's it.
I do know I need to get this sorted, and fast.
He has been looking for a flat to rent already (but proving difficult these days), so it'd be around 6 months of living by himself if he gets one soon. He's saving a bit for that with what he saves by living with his DF.
He spends a lot on me and the kids when we are out, when he has the money.
Re other posters, yes he pays for his DD plus pocket money etc.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 19:53

TeaKitten · 30/05/2023 19:18

It’s very worrying that you think there is no indication he won’t want to pay his fair share… use some common sense woman! He doesn’t currently pay his fair share to his dad, he wants you to pay for the wardrobe, he doesn’t have his own property… he’s a looser. These are allllll big flashing indicators, don’t be blinded because he’s ‘lovely’

Show quote history

This! When you do have "that chat" he'll probably sound very reasonable about what he'll contribute. The reality is likely to be very different based on his current form. "Chip in" for a bed that he needs and you don't? Wake up!

Denise82 · 30/05/2023 19:54

Does he know you will be losing your benefits? And will need him to fully contribute a hell of a lot more than the £50 a week he currently pays to his dad. If you haven't had the conversation about his financial contribution to the household bills, is he under the impression that he is simply moving in and will pay the same as he does now with his dad? Because expecting you to pay for the bed and wardrobe makes it seem he will still view it as your house your responsibility if you see what I mean.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/05/2023 19:54

DO NOT MOVE HIM IN. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT MOVE HIM IN.

Sorry, I’m not usually one for capitals but this is an occasion that really calls for them.

This is clearly a move that’s come about because he’s losing his billet at his dad’s, and that’s no reason to move someone in. I’m sure he’s generous when he’s got no bills to pay.

Nothing in what you’ve said indicates he’ll “pay his way”. If he needs special furniture, he should be paying for it entirely - and to your tastes not his. He should be covering his share of his bills (plus a bit for emergencies) AND covering you for the fact you’re £1200 out of pocket.

And he should have said all do this up front before a decision was made about moving in. The fact he hasn’t - and that he mentioned “chipping in” re the furniture tells you he’s got no intention of doing so.

OP, please don’t move someone in when it puts you out of pocket to do so.

I can never understand the hurry to move a man into a child’s or children’s home anyway. It’s a recipe for conflict and nightmares.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/05/2023 19:56

He spends a lot on me and the kids when we are out, when he has the money.

This is an entirely different kettle of fish to pay his fair share as a matter of course and without comment.

Toddlerone · 30/05/2023 19:59

Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it

TowerRaven7 · 30/05/2023 20:00

He hasn’t moved in yet and you’re dealing with this already? Don’t move him in

Denise82 · 30/05/2023 20:00

Denise82 · 30/05/2023 19:54

Does he know you will be losing your benefits? And will need him to fully contribute a hell of a lot more than the £50 a week he currently pays to his dad. If you haven't had the conversation about his financial contribution to the household bills, is he under the impression that he is simply moving in and will pay the same as he does now with his dad? Because expecting you to pay for the bed and wardrobe makes it seem he will still view it as your house your responsibility if you see what I mean.

£40 *

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 20:01

Toddlerone · 30/05/2023 19:59

Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it

You missed one.

Don't do it.

There you go.

WinterDeWinter · 30/05/2023 20:01

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:43

Someone put me out of my misery and tell me what this is 😆

Show quote history

@Thatleadsingersbiggestfan it means that he's sexually attracted to someone who can give him a home.

Hobo is the American word for tramp/homeless person.

innerspace · 30/05/2023 20:01

Did you see the flags and think ’Wow! Red is my favourite colour.’?

viques · 30/05/2023 20:02

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:52

I might come across as daft but there's no way in ashy hell that I'd allow anyone to get their hands on my house.
It's for my boys, that's it.
I do know I need to get this sorted, and fast.
He has been looking for a flat to rent already (but proving difficult these days), so it'd be around 6 months of living by himself if he gets one soon. He's saving a bit for that with what he saves by living with his DF.
He spends a lot on me and the kids when we are out, when he has the money.
Re other posters, yes he pays for his DD plus pocket money etc.

Show quote history

He is generous “when he has the money”. Well what are his priorities when it comes to spending , he’s not paying his dad much for his accommodation, , he gives his dd pocket money, so how much does he pay her mum, and is it a regular payment or a” when he has the money” arrangement. You do realise you will be feeding and housing his dd for 50% of the time when he clocks onto 50/50 means low or no maintenance?

Iyiyiiii · 30/05/2023 20:03

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:13

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.
It's the wardrobe and stuff that has got me a bit mardy!

Why on earth haven't you had the conversation yet???

LovelyIssues · 30/05/2023 20:03

Sorry OP you have a coc lodger moving in...

SoShallINever · 30/05/2023 20:03

Don't be a mug OP.
£40 a week to his father! He should be ashamed.
No wonder his Dad is kicking him out.
Once he gets his feet under your table he will be difficult to shift.

Reigateforever · 30/05/2023 20:03

Please see a solicitor to have it written that it is your house and your mortgage to protect yourself, so that in a few year’s time when he moves out and needs x amount of the house, he won’t be able to claim. He won’t be the first.

WinterDeWinter · 30/05/2023 20:04

Honestly @Thatleadsingersbiggestfan the fact that you will be losing benefits and havent discussed with him how he will replace that income for you shows that you have really bad boundaries/ assertiveness and low self-esteem.

Ask yourself why you haven't had that conversation? Are you scared of his reaction? Are you pitifully grateful that he wants to move in with you? Do you know in your heart of hearts that he will change his mind if you insist on him paying his way so that you financially benefit from his living with you in a way that offsets what you will lose and the risk you are taking that he will eventually have rights to your property that you have worked so hard for?

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 20:05

In all seriousness, my (now) husband didn't move into my house until

  1. We'd been together for 5 years
  2. He'd lived independently and run his own house after his divorce
  3. We set out an agreement on ownership of the house
  4. We agreed exactly who would contribute what
  5. We agreed that neither of us would subsidise the others kids

And after all that, and the fact that he is 100% NOT a hobosexual, I still miss my own space all the time.

I think the OP is not going to come back and is going 'lalalalala I can't hear you' behind her inappropriately sized wardrobe, just so that she can get a regular shag. I despair.

Coralsunset · 30/05/2023 20:07

FFS OP.

If this Wankbadger moves in without a properly drawn up legal agreement, you could lose half your bloody house. What are you thinking?

Do not let him move in!!!!

I think the above may already have been mentioned, but just to emphasise,

Do not let him move in!!!!

You can date him, sure. But he can rent a place for himself and his DC and not be sponging off you.

Or can he not?

viques · 30/05/2023 20:07

Generous-mostly

generous - when he has the money

says it all

OP you have worked hard to provide security for your lads, please stand up straight and tall and be the amazing woman you are. Don’t hand all your hard work over to a man child who can’t even sort out his own accommodation.

CharlieBoo · 30/05/2023 20:07

Honestly, you need to protect your house. If you can’t afford a solicitor you need to ensure he doesnt contribute to your mortgage and bills. After a period of time together he could make a claim on your property should he be able to prove he has been contributing. You need to be very careful here.

it’s all win win for him and you’re loosing all your benefits. You will be worse off financially.

Isthisexpected · 30/05/2023 20:08

Surely you have the chat before you decide to move in?

WinterDeWinter · 30/05/2023 20:08

"@Thatleadsingersbiggestfan it means that he's sexually attracted to someone who can give him a home."

Actually to be brutally honest @Thatleadsingersbiggestfan it means he behaves as though he's sexually attracted to anyone who will give him a home. Sorry, it is quite brutal but literally everyone on the thread is saying the same thing.

It's great that you're waking up - but you do need to move fast.

GwinCoch · 30/05/2023 20:08

Floofydawg

“inappropriately sized wardrobe”

My Pinot just went down the wrong hole! 😂

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