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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being a CF here?

388 replies

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:08

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 30/05/2023 20:09

when he has the money.

That says it all really.

MavisMcMinty · 30/05/2023 20:09

I’d move in with my Dad if it meant me paying £40 a week all in. You need to sort this out before he moves in. And he should buy his own long bed and tall wardrobe, he can take them with him when you eventually kick him out for being a leech.

TiredCatLady · 30/05/2023 20:09

You’re moving a bloke in with your children after 18 months and he’s making demands about things? After living with his parents?

As others have so eloquently put: cock lodger.

No. Not a catch - throw the waster back.

JudgeRudy · 30/05/2023 20:10

What prompted the decision to move in together? If it's that he's essentially homeless I don't think that's a good enough reason on its own.
I'm curious how things worked before. So he stayed over at yours in you 'small bed' and both of you had a unsatisfactory sleep. What was the set up at his end?

I'm curious too that whilst he was staying cheaply with his dad he hadntcsmmassed much 8n the way of savings. Presumably he has been paying his ex child support. What will the arrangement be for his child when he lives with you?
I think go go ahead with fhis arrangement you both need to be better off. He most definitely will be financially (compared to getting his own place but on the minus he'll be with your children everyday and 'responsible' for someelses kids. That big.
You can't end up worse off. He needs to pay a minimum of the benefits you'll loose plus a little bit more for you to benefit financially but maybe having someone around to share the load is worth more than money.
As for the bed I don't think it's unreasonable that you both contribute. You say you don't need a new bed. Maybe he feels he doesn't need a new bed but you won't let him put his old furniture in your home.
If you're both quibbling about paying towards a shared bed I'd say you're not that into each other.

MadeForThis · 30/05/2023 20:11

He sounds like it's time he lived by himself and supported himself.

Lcb123 · 30/05/2023 20:11

Please please please protect your house legally. Have the discussion ASAP about his contribution to bills, food shops etc. especially given you will lose out with him moving in.

Anewuser · 30/05/2023 20:12

I like the way you say, he spends money when he has it. He earns a decent wage, so minimum wage is a couple of thousand a month and gives his dad less than £200 a month. What does he spend the rest on then?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/05/2023 20:12

I think you are out of your mind moving forward with this man. Too many financial red flags and negative consequences for you.
I think you see it, too, or you wouldn't be posting.

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 20:13

GwinCoch · 30/05/2023 20:08

Floofydawg

“inappropriately sized wardrobe”

My Pinot just went down the wrong hole! 😂

*Slaps @GwinCoch on the back to stop her from choking

Whatonearth07957 · 30/05/2023 20:14

This has rightly set alarm bells for you OP. IF he moves in (and I'd advise not!) Use your savings to draw up a cohabitation agreement with a share of bills and rent. Set out no equity in the house and any furnishings bought by him are owned by him. It's his comfort clearly he should pay. You could contribute say to the mattress but anything else is bonkers and does NOT bode well for living together as others have pointed out. The red flags are there hede the warning bunting! This is your chance to say you no longer feel comfortable with him moving in.

AnaNimmity · 30/05/2023 20:14

He needs to pay you market rent and the loss of your benefits as a starting point.

you can then have a conversation about splitting the bills.

NB. making a contribution to mortgage payments is not seen by a court as a way to derive a beneficial interest in the property.

Tbh, the fact that he hasn’t even offered any of the above bodes very badly for this arrangement, id run a mile personally.

takealettermsjones · 30/05/2023 20:14

Spending loads on you/the kids isn't remotely the same as showing up every month to pay a mortgage, utilities, car insurance, council tax, TV licence... And then there's what happens when the boiler needs fixing, roof tiles need replacing, pipes mending and transmission replacing and and and and...

He has zero idea about any of this. And it's been 18 months. You barely know him! You've only had one Christmas together! You've got young kids!!

Please don't do this.

Babycakes39 · 30/05/2023 20:15

Oh ffs, really?! You've only been with him 18 months and you're moving him in with your kids?! Slow things down for your kids sake and yours!!!

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 30/05/2023 20:15

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:13

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.
It's the wardrobe and stuff that has got me a bit mardy!

You've yet to have the chat about finances but know he is moving in, regardless of confirmed moving date? I hope you've discussed this with your DC too for their input, it's very soon to move a man into their safe space, especially when you've not discussed finances.

INeedAnotherName · 30/05/2023 20:16

£40pw doesn't cover some peoples energy bills, and I bet he eats more than £40 a week too. Then add up all the other bills.

You can't afford him OP. Let another woman enjoy his golden cock. He does have one doesnt he??

GwinCoch · 30/05/2023 20:17

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 20:13

*Slaps @GwinCoch on the back to stop her from choking

Show quote history

splutter croaks Thank you!

AnaNimmity · 30/05/2023 20:17

Fuck me, 18 months????

I seem to have missed that bit!

Are you out of your mind OP? This is your DCs safe space, how could you even think of this arrangement after such a short period of time?

carly2803 · 30/05/2023 20:18

do not move in!! Make sure he moves out first and gets a house of his own - if you dont, make dam sure you protect your asset!!

He saves 1200 a month, why has he not buoght his own flat/house?

cock lodger..... run

Goodoccasionallypoor · 30/05/2023 20:18

Op, how did the decision for him to move in come about? If it's just the most convenient option for him, rather than about how the relationship is progressing then don't do it.

Moving a man into your children's home should be thought through carefully, not based on his father selling up and the local rental market being tricky.

He's already asking you to pay for things and it's likely he won't make up the benefits you lose, let alone make life easier.

If you don't have enough self esteem to care about the impact on you, just consider that he may actively deprive your kids of resources.

Ivesaidenough · 30/05/2023 20:19

What stood out for me was this
"DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met."
As do you.
Coincidence?

AnaNimmity · 30/05/2023 20:20

OP’s house is thankfully protected, unless they get married, even then it’s a bit tenuous whether he’d have a claim.

He can’t drive an interest unless there is a clear agreement between the two of them that this is the plan. Only things like contribution to the original purchase price, or home improvements really makes a difference here.

contributing to mortgage payments, not so much.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 30/05/2023 20:20

DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc.

Why does the wardrobe need to be taller? Is he planning to stand in it?

Ohjustboreoff · 30/05/2023 20:21

@Thatleadsingersbiggestfan wow woman! Give you're head a wobble. You have 2 DC's to look after.
You have to work out how much moving your BF in will cost you.
Loss benefits? More Food? Higher Utilities? Loss of single council tax break? It all adds up and on top of this furniture? NO NO NO!
You need to sit him down after you do your sums and say you must at a MINIMUM contribute XYZ to the household running. Or no moving in and you carry on as is. Are you afraid he will leave you if he can't move in?
Remember this money is coming out of what you would spend on your children.

Whataretheodds · 30/05/2023 20:21

Wishitsnows · 30/05/2023 19:16

So you will lose WTC and CTC if he moves in. He would need to cover that and some rent, bills. If he is only willing to chip in on furniture he wants I’d say he is lining up to be a cocklodger

And council tax single-occupier discount. And food and energy bills will go up as will wear and tear.

I'll put money on him expecting you to do more than 50/50 chores because you're PT and he's FT.

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 20:21

Good point well made, @Goodoccasionallypoor. I hadn't thought of that.