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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being a CF here?

388 replies

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:08

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

OP posts:
Rachand23 · 31/05/2023 21:02

in a couple of years you’ll split up and he will make claims on your property… get some legal advice before you go any further, or you’ll be working till your 80 to pay off the mortgage.

RachaelN · 31/05/2023 21:19

You need to see a solicitor about this! Protect what you own!

Macinae · 31/05/2023 21:42

If you're at the stage where you're taking steps to live together why can't you just talk to him? If you can't raise something as basic as finances then that's more the issue.

MrsPetty · 31/05/2023 21:57

What is a ‘cocklodger’ 😂

TheKobayashiMaru · 31/05/2023 22:06

MrsPetty · 31/05/2023 21:57

What is a ‘cocklodger’ 😂

A man who brings no money, no emotional support etc to a relationship but just offers sex. And even then it might not be that good. He's basically a male gold digger.

MrsPetty · 31/05/2023 22:13

Thank you @TheKobayashiMaru 😂

hvkz · 31/05/2023 22:46

Hi, you really need to back-pedal on this one rapidly. Make any excuse you can, dont let him move in! The 6-8 months idea is not a bad solution, just say you are not sure ... and that it's too rushed, or whatever someone on MN comes up with that works for you.. See what his reaction is. A man who REALLY likes you will understand and will do exactly that, without putting you under pressure. PS ..I speak from experience: it took a looong time to get rid of exDP (who was like yours, a bit financially strapped ... so only paid £30 a week towards ALL household bills for 14 years). (He left for another woman, who he started dating on the side ...& .. ). They got married & that went pear-shaped not long after. (He'd wanted to marry me (or my house, more likely- and I kept on saying 'no' ... 'not yet', without really knowing why I didnt want to marry him).... Lovely b4 he moved in & for several years, so lovely, that a part of me never believed it was genuine ! Red flags all over your one. Do take care ! There's no reason to hurry these decisions .... My kids ended up hating my Ex - which I never did, I was just thankful he went!

PeachyPeachTrees · 31/05/2023 22:55

CatherinedeBourgh · 30/05/2023 21:29

You should be no worse off, and even a little bit better off when he moves in than you were when he wasn't.

He has to pay for any expenses incurred due to him being there (including furniture he wants!), and make up for any benefits you lose, as well as 50% of the bills etc.

Exactly this.

kthnxbai · 31/05/2023 23:41

This is a poor arrangement for you even without considering the presence of your children.

With children in the house, I'd need a good set of reasons to move someone in. I didn't find these in your post, I found the opposite.

Suspect if you ask him to slow it down and live elsewhere else for a year, you may get some clarity.

Freckles978 · 01/06/2023 08:08

Once he has decided which bed and wardrobe he wants, just keep telling yup, I still buy once you send me half the money?

Also, does he not fit in your bed? Or is this just to make his feel comfy? Can he not take his previous bed to yours?

This guy seems to think you will pay his way in life.

Don't marry him, as he will have half of your house, but also contact a solicitor as him living there for ages will make him have rights to your house.

You just have to be smart in how to handle him if you truly want to stay with him.

alwaysoutdoors · 01/06/2023 09:18

He needs a bigger bed and wardrobe. Tell him to look on Facebook market place. And pay for it himself!!!

Grrrrdarling · 01/06/2023 09:28

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:13

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.
It's the wardrobe and stuff that has got me a bit mardy!

You needed to have that chat before agreeing he can move in!
He thinks he is on to another free ride here & you are it… in more than one way!!!!
Maybe I think more about costs & fairness but what adult lives in someone else’s home & doesn't contribute fairly or equally towards that household???

What he was paying at his dads wasn’t even the going rate for older college or working KIDS living at home so that alone is a major red flag for me.
I’d be telling him he needs to find somewhere else to live, he can rent a room somewhere & stay over at yours when it is convenient for you both, until he is sure he is ready for fully commit to the relationship financially, & emotionally as well as physically!

opinionssoughtplease · 01/06/2023 09:29

This sounds all wrong to me. Not owning his own property etc is one thing and I’m not going to judge him on that. But expecting you to pay for changes for him?! That’s out of order. Be careful

Grrrrdarling · 01/06/2023 09:31

kthnxbai · 31/05/2023 23:41

This is a poor arrangement for you even without considering the presence of your children.

With children in the house, I'd need a good set of reasons to move someone in. I didn't find these in your post, I found the opposite.

Suspect if you ask him to slow it down and live elsewhere else for a year, you may get some clarity.

I think your right on the reaction OP may get if she asks him to find somewhere else to stay for now. He won’t be pleased & true colours will show fast!
Sad but he seems like he just wants to be taken care of & defer 99.9% of financial responsibilities to OP!

operafiend · 01/06/2023 09:42

Do not let this man get his feet under your table. Been there, took years to get rid.

nevynevster · 01/06/2023 09:47

Greenfree · 30/05/2023 19:13

I would make sure have something in place to protect your house as even if doesn't pay a mortgage if your together long enough he can make a potential claim against if you split up.

With regards to new furniture I would be asking him to pay as just be honest that you can't afford it. Could you save up for a new bed together? The bed thing makes sense but I have no idea why he would want to spend money changing a wardrobe.

I would have an honest conversation with him about how your splitting expenses going forward. Hope it all works out

This is spot on. You need to put in place some protection for yourself and making sure he doesn't impact eg your credit rating. You need to be totally honest that you cannot afford the new furniture and so either he needs to pay for it or put up (surely he is sleeping in his childhood room now he's not got extra long ned anyway) and you need to have a really honest conversation about bills etc. If you don't see eye to eye on this stuff then don't let him move in.

scotvic · 01/06/2023 10:29

No, no, no! Either don’t let him move in, or take financial and legal advice and draw up an agreement to protect your rights and your property. Firstly, of course he must pay for his new bed and wardrobe! Huge red flag if he doesn’t see this!
Write out all the benefits you will lose and the financial contribution you will need for him to be paying his way fairly. It might be better to just charge him regular rent per month as a lodger (to cover shared household bills), and that way you don’t have to hassle over each bill as it comes in, and so he can have no claim on your house if you split. Also think about the other things like food shopping - is he going to be expecting you to do most of the shopping and cooking? buying cleaning products? saved fund for home repairs etc? It sounds rather likely….?

Kate0902900908 · 01/06/2023 10:35

This is your classic cock lodger.

it’s already decided he’s moving in BUT there has been no discussion about bills… so how is he moving in what if he’s like a lot of men who will happily pay for going out and treats but doesn’t like paying for the boring stuff I.e bills?

you really need to wise up. You’re going to loose your wtc and ctc but haven’t actually agreed a number he is contributing? You can never go back on them as it’s now universal credit (generally a lot less) … I think you need to really think about what you’re doing. This could become a nightmarish situation. And if I’m being frank with the cost of living crisis you’re not being very smart. The likelihood is you will sub the majority and he will pay days out ext until your savings are gone and your on lower income than you were before and he’s sitting pretty like when he lived with daddy.

written and whitenesses agreement for X amount of money per month (on which date) signed by him.
no pay no stay.

GelPens1 · 01/06/2023 10:56

@Thatleadsingersbiggestfan DP buys his own food, it's not included in his £40 'rent'. DP hasn't amassed 'thousands' in savings.

Did he only pay £40 a week rent? He didn’t pay half of the utility bills and council tax? I’m not sure how he didn’t save money! I don’t think 18 months is long enough for you to let him move in with you and your young sons. If he does move in then he needs to pay half of all the bills and buy new furniture if he wants new furniture.

threatmatrix · 01/06/2023 11:41

Run

Iksu · 01/06/2023 11:48

Hi OP, I’ve not read the whole thread but as a family lawyer I have read enough to tell you that at the very least you need to enter into a cohabitation agreement with your DP before he moves in. If you split up, he could try to make a claim for a beneficial interest in your house. While he may not be successful (unlikely he would be, at least in the first few years) it would still be costly and stressful if he did go down that route. Never say to him ‘what’s mine is yours’ and definitely NEVER write that down to him! Really i think it sounds like this guy is best avoided to live with at least.
good luck with whatever you decide.

Maggie178 · 01/06/2023 11:58

Before you move into together you need to sit down and work out the finances. Agree to what he will he expected to contribute in terms of money and chores. Don't let him move in without this discussion.

KateKateLee · 01/06/2023 17:12

My friend had an official agreement drawn up in a similar situation. Her DP is effectively a lodger who pays rent so has no claim on the house if they break up. You need to discuss the furniture and what happens with bills etc and that you are losing benefits when he moves in. Make sure you won't be losing out by him moving in. Good luck OP. I hope it works out for you.

Harls1969 · 01/06/2023 19:42

I also had no indication that my ex wouldn't pay his share of the bills when he moved in. He had a decent job and agreed, prior to moving in, to paying his share. Within a week of moving in, he'd given up his job and paid not a penny. It was a long time ago and I was young and naive and thought I was in love, so I did put up with it for quite a while. He'd put expensive items in the trolley when we were shopping, but never his hand in his pocket. He even asked for petrol money if he took me to work. Proceed with care! Don't buy the bedroom furniture.

Noodlehen · 01/06/2023 19:49

OP, I have read the thread. But one thing a PP mentioned is that if you came off the benefits you’re on, you may not be able to reclaim handy if something went wrong . Now I’m not handy on benefits but I know they’re not pots of gold. You’re with this man 18 month and have not discussed financial
contributions- in the current climate are you sure you want to move someone in and lose your security blanket? You’ve DCs to think of! That’s aside from all the other red flags other posters have picked up on.

you are clearly in the dick sand and are not gonna listen to anyone else but are you sure you want to give up your security? A discussion now will tell you everything you need to know.